DEJA VU

Here we go again.

Beasts annual 'give up smoking and diet' train wreck.

This time I have enrolled with smoke stop for 1-to-1 therapy , rather than the ghastly group therapy session

ahem ' My names Beast and I am a smoker'

***embarrassed ragged round of applause***

Bollocks to that , I am also giving the new drug Champix a try .I have started the drug but don't have to give up smoking till next week .

Now Champix is generally very good in 70% of people but has some startlingly bad side effects in a few , so they are quiet careful with monitoring you in the early stages . My session today started with my counsellor ,we shall call him The twat in the cravat , yes yes he actually wears a cravat , and has that foppish Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen 'artistic' bleating voice .He peered at me closely, like he was inspecting some sort of laboratory experiment that is about to explode , then asked me very loudly and slowly if I had gone mental yet.

He gave every indication of not believing me and was somewhat disappointed when I said I hadn't.

Still he cheered up a little when informing me the REAL danger period was the next week when the dose doubles ,and then chirruped happily 'how some of his clients had had some really AWFUL incidents but not to worry nobody has died......... YET '.

So feeling suitably motivated .....I left . If I haven't gone frothing mad by next week , I think he may cry.

Just to make things interesting I have also gone back to Slimming World . Why make yourself suffer with giving up smoking , when you can starve yourself to death at the same time.

I shall let you all know how its going , In the mean time if you hear anything howling at the moon.

Its probably just me!


AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

FILTH I RENOUNCE THEE

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I have given up my doomed quest to become the Interwebs filthiest blogger and languish in the adoration of the Knudsen Nation , when it finally dawned on me that opening my own blog at work was causing screams and sqwuaks of disgust from the nosey bastards who sit the length and breadth of the open plan office and have a clear view of my enormous attention seeking screen .

Still hopefully we all learned something from the experience , I think some would have been happier having not seen Miss Fiona Flaps danglers in all her glorious wide screen majesty while they were aimlessly chewing their ham sandwiches , but hell , its a timely reminder that curiosity killed the cat or at the very least put it off its lunch.

Therefore Beast will be reverting to the usual Angelic form

SALT BEEF SATURDAY

While other blogs are saturated with sagging old man meat.

Beastliness is making a stand for femenism

Cast aside those restrictive pantyhose

Discard the supturating scanties

and

FREE THEM FLAPS

This pubic service anouncement has been brought to you by Beastliness

Thank you

BEASTBITE BOOK CLUB SUMMER SCORCHERS

Beast has been scouring the vacation seasons litary offerings and selected a second list of books to keep the diverse and 'interesting' tastes of the average Beastbite reader satisfied while they are sprawled in an overstretched thong giving the general public the benefit of their orange peel thighs and oiled love handles.

1. A cautionary tale of ring burning intensity























2.A tense thrilling story of forgotten HRT patches and muderous Menopausal Mayhem .











3.For the practical minded. You will be dying to read this weighty tome....gedditttt













4. Good Clean fun for all the family(Pop up Version) !










5. A self help classic for those who like to spend their down time in a little self improvement

6 .Develishly delicious hot lezzbo grinding , this will make you scream at the sight of a grilled sardine

7. Banish those tedious holiday snaps ,Hours of fun with your digital Camera











8.One for the boys that get bored lazing by the pool .Real speedo splitting stuff











9.Nostalgic drivel for anyone who was ever a girl guide









10.Companion Novel to no 9 for the Ex Boy Scout













Beastbite wishes you all a happy and healthy vacation , where ever you may go

WHAT I DONE THIS WEEK , BY BEAST

I have had a varied week so far , work has been quite busy , and then I was summoned for a 'galley slave' shift in the kitchens of Cafe C , toiling under (o'er) head Chef Mr C.





The 'Galley slave' job spec is general service prep , preparing salad stuff , veg and garnish(pictured left Beast preparing fresh local produce 'a little road kill goes a long way) , washing up etc etc .Once service starts its a bit like being a operating theatre nurse to Mr C's star surgical consultant . I am there to produce the required crockery , implements , food stuffs , garnish , vegetables etc etc immediatley on his barked commands
"TONGS , Dont stand there gawping , now means NOW , I don't pay you to think Beast" he snaps as Beast tugs his forelock proffering Mr C's special gold plated vegetable tongs , pausing briefly to mop the star performers brow as he sweats decorously with the effort of creating his culinary masterpieces.
As soon as the last meal exits the kitchen , Mr C majestically sweeps out , with a 'dismissive clean this place up Beast , its a mess' , leaving me with the washing up , kitchen clean down , more washing up , floor mopping , even more washing up (You get the picture ,washing up features very heavily)


Frobisher was working front of house and had dressed to impress , cutting a dashing figure , gliding about the restaurant , dispensing drinks and the occasional lap dance for Cafe C's discerning patrons(A party of caterwauling ,libidinous menopausal schoolteachers). He was visible flagging towards the end of service having to drag around underpants filled with loose change .'Tips for a five star service' he haughtily wheezes , jiggling his undies.... the Beast cant help noticing the Wages of Sin play havoc with ones nicker elastic !





Next evening I had booked a shoulder re adjustment with 'crusher' Phil , who seems to enjoy the inflicting of pain a little too much .He cheerily informs me that the next procedure may be a little uncomfortable and then chortles loudly when he invokes a muffle scream of pain followed by much cursing from the poor Beast.

A bruised and broken Beast is now 'resting' for a couple of days , at least until I get full use of my arm back :-)

SCREAMING HEAP

First day back in the office from my holiday and the pleasures of air conditioning struck again. I got an earache , sore throat , all my joints ache like a very achey thing and I cant stop sleeping except to eat till I nearly burst.

Ravenous

Achey

Ear achey

Soar throated

Knackered

Beast

If I dont stop stuffing meself like a foi gras goose I will end up looking like this

And another thing , if I have to see another advert for feminine hygeine products tonight , I will go insane.Every single ad break its wall to wall lady parts .

Take thy 'Fanny Fresh' and leave ggggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I AM NOT ONE TO COMPLAIN.....BUT

The Beast is back from a weeks vacation........


The Beast is in cantankerous mood. My biggest gripe at the moment are the new self service checkouts at the supermarket.A marvellous invention where you can scan your own goods in a fraction of the time it usually takes to queue at a normal checkout. However , I have noticed of late that dim witted parents feel this has been put in place as a toy for there lumpen children. You join a massive queue , and why is it so massive???? because every dumbass that has managed to breed , thinks its a rollicking good idea to allow their 6 year old offspring to scan the shopping, you can see the look of misplaced pride that the inept fruit of their lions is taking 15 times longer to scan anything and holding up masses of shoppers .This of course escalates in that any parent in the queue feels a need to do the same thing , whether its for reasons of displaying parental pride or that their ill disciplined brats will starts screaming if they don't let them.


Who knows , but if only I had a harpoon gun I am sure I could sort this one out pretty quick.












Next up its caravan'ers , as soon as we hit July , those with a tortoise like mentality start clogging the roads . Hoards of the buggers trundling everywhere at 30 miles an hour. I have never seen the value in it meself.



Some will tell you its the romance of it all. However spending a week or two living in an area approximately the size of the average garden shed , crapping in a bucket and living off tinned spam and dehydrated mash all cooked up on your two ring baby belling. Broiling if its sunny(put a chicken leg in a Tupperware pot and leave it in the sun for a day and just see what state its in) or freezing to death if the British summer turns inclement , don't sound much fun to me.







Rumour has it that the Caravan Club meets are a hotbed for swingers(one suspects this rumour was spread by the Caravan Club publicity department).So if anyone fancies playing hide the sausage with the caravan 'er pin ups on the left , I am sure the CC will be beside themselves to hear from you.Doris is greasing her thighs with tinned ham jelly as we speak.



Ooooooh the Glamour !

HOW BIG IS YOURS????

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I refer of course to my magnificent Phoenix Palm , luxuriating in the front yard of The Beasts Lair.

I bet Miss First Nations would love to play with her Barbados Barbie set in the shade of this beauty.

Miss MJ will be making saucy suggestions about the size of my coconuts , if I am any judge , and Mr Bananas will be itching to swing through the branches.

Re the photograph. As you can see , I have yet to master auto focus :-(.

The Beast has a weeks vacation , and will be having a good old clean out.

(I am talking about the contents of the house , not a high colonic) , gardening fest , gym freak out and if I can fit it in , I may well wander down the road to the beach , for a refreshing * dip in the English channel **

*ie Fecking freezing

**No Miss MJ I will not furnish pics of me in a speedo