THE PENNY DROPS

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OH MY GOD

Its three weeks to christmas.

I havn't even started thinking about what to get anyone.

***RUNS ABOUT FLAPPING ARMS***

So you lot what do people of the female persausion like as pressies????

I am completely stuck for ideas

****RUNS ABOUT FLAPPING ARMS AND YELLING ****

PEELING MR GASKINS PLUMS

Not these kind of plums







These ones.
Yes yet again it was chutney making fest at Gaskin Towers. I was dragooned into service as Kitchen Bitch , while the Gaskins flitted about making double entendres and laughing like hyena's at genital shaped pears .
I have a willy shaped like a parsnip so I found this a little tactless.
Anyways(Poofy Piggies favourite word)
I was chopping heaps of onions and garlic and peeling fecking plums.
Have you ever had to peel 46 lb's of plums......?????
HAVE YOU ????
For the love of God ........WHY???????

My chores finished I was eventually allowed to stagger off into the night , bleeding swollen fingers barely able to hold my car keys , reeking of onions, garlic and vinegar .
If I ever see another plum , or a pear amusingly shaped like a knob I will not be responsible for my actions.

**** Exits stage left with as much dignity as possible****
****given the dreadful whiff of vinegar*****

ANOTHER DAY CLOSER TO DEATH ***BIG SIGH ***

Generally I am an insanely optimistic person (as Mr Mutley points out).
Occasionally you just drag yourself up in the morning , its grey , cold and manky (the weather is not up to much iether) , and you feel like crap.

I have a theory ....There is a little bit of your mind thats been storing up all the day to day bullshit you blithley gloss over , the poisonous little slights , the things you should have done , and didnt. All the crap thats part of life and like a pustulating blackhead suddenly splurts it out for your delictation and delight.

Now the Beast's theory is this , when this happens , dont just mope and soak it all up again.
Embrace it.......own it......and master it.

Heres what you do.
1. Physically feel the pain............. clean your house till you drop , manically do your garden , go to the gym , do any thing physically onerous and suffer baby suffer.
2.Drag up all those nasty little fragments of thought that have erupted into your conciousness and have yourself a little self flagellation and fight back party.
Get yourself a pen and paper , write down whatever pops into your head ....... read it, feel it and then cut loose with a response .The response may be directed at yourself , your friends or the world in general....... be viscious , be angry .....fill your boots.

Now you have physically felt the pain , mentally addressed your issues and had a screaming hissy fit at yourself , your friends and the universe in general.
3.Go buy your favourite baaaaaaaaaaaad foods , hole up on the sofa , in your fantastically clean house , put some crap on the telly , snuggle up under a quilt , stuff yourself stupid and just allow yourself to wallow in a bit of soul healing self pity , It helps if you imagine some dreadful retribution scenario's against those who have sinned against you.
4.Go to bed early and have a good nights sleep.

Tomorrow is another day........and I guarantee you will feel purged , optimistic and a feck site better.
Meanwhile The Beast can be found festering on a sofa near you , gutsing donuts and day dreaming of messy accidents involving certain people and a runaway steam roller/combine harvester.
Harumph !

WRATH OF THE GODS

As I floated down the office this morning , someone had laid out a tray of big juicy jam(jelly for our heathen American cousins) donuts . They were enticing me with their greasy sugary lovelyness , crooning their calorific siren song. So as no one was about , and to steal a march on all the other greedy bastards , I trousered one pretty sharpish and scuttled off to my desk. I then to my horror saw Eric and Natemare returning from the coffee shop so I had to unhinge my jaw and bolt the damn thing in one go. I thought my look of innocence would carry it off , but sadly my sugar and jam besplattered countenance were my undoing .

Natemare gave me a beady look and asked very loudly if I had just pinched a donut.

I could see my chance of a second 'public' donut slipping thru my fingers , I off course blustered and lied ,

How dare you......my body is a temple , blah , blah etc etc.

Eric spotting my obvious duplicity told me The Baby Jesus would know if I had lied .....AND WOULD MAKE ME PAY.

Piffle I thought. and sauntered off all fake wounded innocence to our new smoking shelter. Conveniently situated up a steep slope 200 yards from the building.

No sooner had I got there , than the sky blackened , fork lightening started to sizzle all around , and belicose rumbles of thunder reverberated in the air. Within a minute the most amazingly violent hail storm battered our little smokers wendy house . Beast cowering at the communal ashtray begging forgiveness , and promising to sacrifice the fat girl in the corner who had obviously been pinching more donuts than me.

With a parting shot of ' Your donut snaffling days are over Lardass.....Repent or boil in you own body fat' I skidded off down the ice packed slope , battered by the the boiling tempest all the way.

I now repent and on Frobishers life will never tell another donut related lie again (dont make any long term plans Mr F :-) )

ALL TOO MUCH FOR A WHITE BOY

The Beast is having a tantrum.

What is it with fecking duvets......... why do I have so much trouble trying to stuff my duvet into its tasteful cover (pictured left).

It should be quite a simple opperation get square duvet into square cotton bag . Put top corners into place ease the bag down while holding corners , ease in bottom corners and bobs your uncle.

Its like putting on a condom (ok with added corners and a flabby member but the theory is the same) however we should all be proficient in that particular skill by now.

But no , the duvet manages to tie itself in a granny knot , or I end up inside the cover and the duvet doesnt.

I suspect a femenist/european union conspiracy .

Does anyone still use blankets.?

The Beast is going to make a few predictions of peoples bedding preferences

Frobisher - Ben Cohen Duvet set

Piggy and Tazzy - pink brushed nylon , matching valance , curtains and sink skirt.

First Nations - Animal Pelts/Human scalps (trapped , skinned and hand cured by FN herself)

Jungle Jane - Black Silk (of course)

Mutley - Power rangers Duvet set

Champ - A blanket knitted by his adoring army of female fans from his shed body hair.

MJ - something in sateen effect polyester..... with girly frills and matching throw cushions.

Daisy and Pinky probably have something classy in egyptian cotton.

Hitch i suspect is a good old fashioned sheet and blankets man

BEAST'S COUNTRY KITCHEN PRESENTS.....

PICCALILLY

OK this recipe is for First Nations. Yes it looks like cat sick but it is lusciousness incarnate , Spicy hot , crunchy magnificence......an orgasm on your tongue. You can have it slapped on anything , cheese , meats , sandwiches . I love it on hot buttered toast.

Its that good .You wont know wether to eat it or spoon it down your skimpies............anyways here is a basic piccalilly recipe , For a Ma Beasty extra kick add finely chopped fiery red chillies to the veg.

Ingredients
Wet Brine

150g/5oz kitchen or sea salt

1.5 litres/2½ pints cold water

Vegetables

900 g/2lb mixed vegetables approximately(Basically any veg you can eat semi raw , whatever you got laying about green beans , carrot , cucumber celery , red and green peppers)

300g/10oz cauliflower florets

225g/8oz silverskin onions

175g/6oz gherkins

115g/4oz celeriac

115g/4oz green peppers

Spiced Vinegar

600ml/1 pint malt vinegar

1 tsp mixed pickling spices

Sauce

25g/1oz plain flour

15ml/1tbsp English mustard powder, or to taste(use 2 :-) )

2 tbls sugar (optional : if you like a sweet sweet counterpoint)

7.5ml/½ tbsp turmeric, or to taste

2 x 5ml/2 tsp ground ginger, or to taste

3 tbsp malt vinegar

strained spiced vinegar
Method

1. To make the wet brine - mix the salt with cold water in a large mixing bowl, allow plenty of space for the vegetables.

2. To make the vegetables - prepare the vegetables by cutting them into 1½ cm/½ inch pieces or even smaller. Make sure they are as regular in shape as possible.

3. Put into the wet brine and leave for 24 hours. Place a plate on top of the vegetables to make sure they are kept well under the liquid.

4. For the spiced vinegar - put the vinegar and spices into an aluminium or stainless steel saucepan, bring just to boiling point, lower the heat, cover the pan and simmer gently for 10-15 minutes; allow to cool. There will be less than 600ml/1 pint of vinegar but this will be correct for the sauce.

5. For the sauce - blend the flour, mustard powder, turmeric and ginger in a good sized basin, add the three tablespoons vinegar, stir to make a smooth paste. Gradually strain the spiced vinegar over the ingredients, make sure the mixture is smooth.

6. Pour into a large saucepan and stir over a low heat until as thick as required. It should be thick enough to coat the back of a wooden spoon without running off.

7. To complete the piccalilli - remove the vegetables from the brine, drain very well but in this case do not rinse in cold water as there is no salt in the sauce. Add to the thickened sauce. When this has reached simmering point simmer for one minute only, so the small pieces keep a good shape and texture.

8. To bottle - stir gently to ensure a good distribution of vegetables then spoon into hot sterilized jars and cover. Do not put metal tops directly over the pickle, for the vinegar would rust these. If using metal tops, line with thick cardboard.

AUTUMN

I love this time of year , the crisp air , the beautiful colours , falling leaves swirling in the breeze like snow and the satisfying crunchy walks thru the resulting leaf drifts. Bonfires , roaring log fires , roasted chestnuts and comfort food dinners . You just cant beat it.




However the spector of past autumnal childhood embarrasments hover on the periphery of the conciousness , howling for attention.When I was a kid , just started school for the autumn term Ma Beasty had a domestic goddess/earth mother fit and knitted me the most hidious mittens that were attached to a string and threaded thru the arms of my coat (so you dont lose them sweetie) and joy of joys a matching hat........ with a bobble on it.

They looked like they had been knitted from half digested muesli.

The hat made me look like my head had half melted.

It was tantamount to child abuse in my book...... and we have had words about it since. I mean why not just make your child walk around with a big sign on their back saying please bully this child . Luckily my older brother went to the same school and has always had the demenour of a hung over rotweiler with piles.......so I escaped pretty lightly on the bullying front.

I did eventually persuade our pet German Shepperd Karla to eat the hat and bury the mittens.......I loved that dog :-).

Which leads me into that old chestnut Porn star names...... I think mine is pretty good , the formula being your first pets name and your mothers maiden name

So ladies and gentlemen may i present , the pnuematic and pouting Miss Karla Knobs.

Now fess up whats yours

CHRISTMAS...... RUINED !

Beasty is trying not to spend any money untill next pay day , as Beasty is broke. However the Evil God of Shopping keeps poking things thru my letterbox. Things that are so laden with special offers and must have coolness that one would think it would be hard to resist.
I was scornfully flicking thru a christmas gifts catalog the other day , taunting the Evil God with studied indifference to his glittery baubles and sleek black electronicals when I turned to a full page add which said
'HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF YOUR EARS COULD LIGHT UP'
accompanied by a picture of a man in a darkened room with glowing ears , not fake glowing ears but his own glowing ears ..... yes glowing with an unearthly light.You could not see his face too well but his bearing screamed incredibly smug.My ears light up....I am Lord of all I survey. These fantastic bits of cutting edge ear light technology could be mine for only £9.95.
These were the coolest thing I have ever seen , I canvassed my lunch chums the next day and they agreed it was possibly The best Christmas gift EVER , and i scampered off home clutching money for 5 orders and the accolades of King of Christmas ringing in my ears , anticipating those expressions of wonder on Christmas morning as the lucky recipients opened their very own Ear lights.



Sadly , I had a recycling fit the night before , and threw the magazine away and would you believe it the bastards actualy emptied the recycling bin for once.I have scoured the internet to no avail . Dreams of Christmas illuminated ear fun have been dashed , everyone hates me
I am gutted :-(

A STEAMING SAUSAGE , A QUICK FLASH AND A LOUD BANG

The title may sound like an evening out with Mr C and Frobisher , but I refer of course to Guy Fawkes Night or what is fast becoming Guy Fawkes Fortnight in the uk.

It is a celebration of the foiling of the infamous 'Gun Powder plot' a group of disgruntled catholics led by Mr Fawkes hell bent on blowing up good protestant king James and the houses of parliament . Mr Fawkes was caught , unfairly tried and then to add insult to injury hung drawn and quartered , who said protestants dont know how to have fun !. Mr Fawkes unseemly end is now celebrated annually on the 5th of November with Bonfires (with Mr Fawkes being burned in effigy) and fireworks.

I cant help remembering childhood Bonfire nights . We would all gather in Ma and Pa Beasties garden after dark , it was always cold with that autumn smell in the air .
We would then have about half an hour of rubbish fire works. Rockets that you had to stand in a milk bottle that just went whooooshhhhhhhh followed by a weedy phut , catherine wheels that span once then exploded , these crappy things with big fanciful names like The Mummies Tomb or Pandoras Box , when you lit them , you got a flame that changed colour if you where lucky , something that looked like a dog turd used to curl out the top and clouds of choking sulphorous smoke (could have been called MJ's Minge then HA HA HA....ahem) , ooooh and sparklers.
This was followed by lighting the bonfire with the 'Guy' made out of old clothes stuffed with newspaper on top.
Jacket potatoes , sausages hot from the oven , hot soup in big mugs and crusty warm bread were all dished out , while all the kids burnt stuff and messed with the bonfire.
If you have not poked a bonfire with a stick you have not lived .
When it was all burnt down and everyone was roasted on the front , frozen on the back and reeking of smoke we would all go in for hot cocoa in front of a roaring log fire with Bonfire cake (made with chocolate fingers so it looked like a bonfire geddit..... , with a guy made of licourice allsorts) and Pa Beasty used to tell us ghost stories by firelight before bed.
It was magical :-)

These days the fire works are bigger and flasher , bonfires are not allowed at public events due to European health and saftey laws..........and its just lost its magic.

Or maybe I grew up

What a drag