Wednesday, 25 July 2007

ITS BEEN ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE



Thanks to First Nations and her recent post for causing this psycological trauma from my formative years to rear its ugly head.

When I was about 6 all I wanted was a proper bike , like the flash shiny one my granparents bought my eldest brother. Xmas came and this horror was waiting for me under the tree.

The Wikpedia entry for Moulton bikes reads thus :-

Moulton is an English bicycle manufacturer starting production in the 1960s. The company was founded in 1962 by Dr Alex Moulton who designed the suspension system for the famous Mini motorcar.
Moulton bicycle's are noted for their unconventional frame design, small wheels, and front and rear suspension.

What they failed to mention , is that it weighed a ton , the suspension creaked and groaned alarmingly and it had stoopid little wheels. In short it was social death( on wheels) for any hapless schoolchild who happened to own one.

It was my first taste of the compromises and cruel disappointments one has to endure as an adult. My parents did not have much money , with three kids of their own and a variety of weekend foster children , they were so chuffed that they had managed to get me a second hand bike , and I had to pretend I loved it. I have felt guilty all these years that I hated the damn thing , and still feel the acute embarrassment of having to ride the buggering clown bike to school everyday.

Ma and Pa Beasty

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ! :-(

but on the other hand Thanks for buying your little Beasty a bike :-)

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awwwwww poor old fat beasty!! can i point out to you that they didt have suspention on bikes in the 60s....

cunt

BEAST said...

Mr C , read wikpedia entry as indicated...... it had 'suspension' oh yes , but not like the stuff these days

Tickersoid said...

Hailed as a technological miricle of it's time.

Didn't it hinge in the middle to be put into the boot of your car?

If you had a car why whould you want the bike?

BEAST said...

Ticks , It didnt hinge and you would have needed a fork lift truck to get it in there....it weighed a ton .Mind you it would have been handy for taking the damn thing to the tip

Frobisher said...

You forgot to mention that you had stabilizers on the bike till you were 15 years old.

BEAST said...

Frobisher , and those coloured streamers that attached to the handle bar ends , I bet you had those

Anonymous said...

awwww bless... i bett they look back at those days and wett them selfs with laughter like your naibours did watching little spindley legs breaking under the strain... oh how things are differnt these day.. its the bike that buckles under the waight now!

cunt

Mental Mac said...

Me and my brother had a similar experience. However, when my parents read my brothers "What I did at the weekend" story following Christmas, they were shocked to discover, "... I got a bike for Christmas. I think my parents got it from the dump..."

Mental Mac said...

We were young 7 and 9. (I forgot to add).

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
awwww bless... i bett they look back at those days and wett them selfs with laughter like your naibours did watching little spindley legs breaking under the strain... oh how things are differnt these day.. its the bike that buckles under the waight now!
Embarrasing one's children is the major compensation of parenthood , so Ma Beasty tells me.
As to the other , pots and kettles spring to mind .....Kate Moss

BEAST said...

Mental Mac said...
Me and my brother had a similar experience. However, when my parents read my brothers "What I did at the weekend" story following Christmas, they were shocked to discover, "... I got a bike for Christmas. I think my parents got it from the dump..."
Ha Ha Ha MM , your poor parents , I would have loved to have seen their faces when they read that.

Jenny! said...

At least you can ride a bike...i had a nice shiney new one but am too retarded and crashed it into a drainage thing! My knees haven't been the same since!

Tickersoid said...

We wud've been greatfull fer any kinda bike in my day. All I 'ad were a single roller skate wi' one wheel.

First Nations said...

you have my deepest, heartfelt sympathy. thats just awful.
wouldn't we have looked a pair, riding our bikes to school? we'd have needed to carry fricken' handguns just to survive the damn trip.

did you see my link? raleigh just re-released the chopper!

First Nations said...

frobi totally had playing cards clothespinned to the spokes of his bike.

Newforestandy said...

Well Sir Beast, I always knew you liked a good ride. I didnt realise how fussy you were about what or who you were riding, that includes the bike too! hehe

jungle jane said...

I have a great idea Beastie! Lets go out and buy your parents replica bikes for their Xmas this year. It will be awesome - I am certain it will bring you closer as a family.

BEAST said...

Jenny! said...
At least you can ride a bike...i had a nice shiney new one but am too retarded and crashed it into a drainage thing! My knees haven't been the same since!


Awww Jenny , I think thats a girl thing.....
Women know you limits

***** runs from hail of kitchen implements and curses.....snigger ****

BEAST said...

Tickersoid said...
We wud've been greatfull fer any kinda bike in my day. All I 'ad were a single roller skate wi' one wheel.

Thats right Tic , rip the scab off of another childhood wound why dont you......rollerskates

BEAST said...

First Nations said...
you have my deepest, heartfelt sympathy. thats just awful.
wouldn't we have looked a pair, riding our bikes to school? we'd have needed to carry fricken' handguns just to survive the damn trip.

did you see my link? raleigh just re-released the chopper!


Especially if i was wearing the balaclava Ma Beasty nitted for me and forced me to wear ...It looked like a used teabag .sob


First Nations said...
frobi totally had playing cards clothespinned to the spokes of his bike.

and I bet he wore driving gloves (he still does)

BEAST said...

Newforestandy said...
Well Sir Beast, I always knew you liked a good ride. I didnt realise how fussy you were about what or who you were riding, that includes the bike too! hehe

As the title says Mr NFA , having had my high expectations dashed so cruelly as a nipper , its been all downhil from there . I invariably go for the chopper and end up with the moulton

The Hitch said...

poor mr beast
The Hitch being of a similar age to yourself reacalls some children actualy having one of these contraptions, unlike cool kids like me who had a chopper then a reacing bike (swank)

now they are fashionable when called a brompton folding cycle well fashionable witht he people who owned one fisrt time around.
Beast get a decent bike

BEAST said...

jungle jane said...
I have a great idea Beastie! Lets go out and buy your parents replica bikes for their Xmas this year. It will be awesome - I am certain it will bring you closer as a family.

That is a good idea JJ , but they might still have mine in the shed , and then I will have to go out with them .....

The Hitch said...

ps
they always reminded me of a giraffe on wheels.

The Hitch said...

anon 10;14
what happened to you as a child that turned you into such a poisonous little nothing?

whatever it was i hope it hurt

BEAST said...

The Hitch said...
poor mr beast
The Hitch being of a similar age to yourself reacalls some children actualy having one of these contraptions, unlike cool kids like me who had a chopper then a reacing bike (swank)

now they are fashionable when called a brompton folding cycle well fashionable witht he people who owned one fisrt time around.
Beast get a decent bike


I have a well cool bike now Mr Hitch , never again will people point at me a laugh in the street (well not because of my bike anyways).
Do you feel having a chopper has made you a better person ???

knicksgrl0917 said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

BEAST said...

The Hitch said...
anon 10;14
what happened to you as a child that turned you into such a poisonous little nothing?

whatever it was i hope it hurt


Mr Hitch , thats Mr Cunt , AKA Mr C , he is the motivational life coach that i hired from the free ads.....as you can see he adheres to the tough love school of nurtur

BEAST said...

knicksgrl0917 said...
hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

Thank you knickers917 , but i make loads of money selling my body on street corners, you should try it :-)

Hammer said...

It's kind of charming, but of course I had to ride a yellow girls bike so I'm not much on style.

Anonymous said...

CUNT SAYS SUCK MY COCK AND GO GET A JOB WITH THE SUN......


MR C

BEAST said...

Hammer said...
It's kind of charming, but of course I had to ride a yellow girls bike so I'm not much on style.

Mr Hammer , were you making some sort of statement about the struggle of womin in this modern world ? ?
Did it have a basket on the front lie Mr C's bike ?

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
CUNT SAYS SUCK MY COCK AND GO GET A JOB WITH THE SUN......


See, this is what i pay for , my morning pep talk and career advice .
Do you feel motivated ?
Do you ?
Do You ?
I think I do.

moultonbuzz said...

Hey, look on the bright side... you could have been given a hideous RSW, which was Raleigh's Moulton Killer.

BEAST said...

moultonbuzz said...
Hey, look on the bright side... you could have been given a hideous RSW, which was Raleigh's Moulton Killer.

Moultonbuzz , I think its a close run thing as to which is more hideous

jungle jane said...

enough about bikes. I cannot stop laughing at the cow urine. i especially love this bit:

1. Nation is pawed from the bane of cow slaughter and resulting inevitable calamities.

2. Cowherd is saved of severe sin of selling cows to butcher.

3. The butcher can make his human birth meaningful by avoiding abominable act.

4. Beefeaters may be saved from grave diseases caused by beef eating.

BEAST said...

jungle jane said...
enough about bikes. I cannot stop laughing at the cow urine. i especially love this bit:

1. Nation is pawed from the bane of cow slaughter and resulting inevitable calamities.

2. Cowherd is saved of severe sin of selling cows to butcher.

3. The butcher can make his human birth meaningful by avoiding abominable act.

4. Beefeaters may be saved from grave diseases caused by beef eating.


JJ it is a medicinal miracle , I shall be settling down to a steaming cup of cows urine instead of indulging in my usual abominable acts and calamities and ovaltine

The Hitch said...

Beast said...

Do you feel having a chopper has made you a better person ???

Mr Beast I would say that although it hasnt made me a better person it has been a constant source of delight to myself.

BEAST said...

The Hitch said...
Beast said...

Do you feel having a chopper has made you a better person ???

Mr Beast I would say that although it hasnt made me a better person it has been a constant source of delight to myself.


Mr Hitch....I knew it , that makes me even more bitter and twisted about the whole manky moulton business.

Newforestandy said...

On a completely different topic, I was wondering if you were going to start up a wnidsurfing/surfing school once the new reef has been built? I suppose you would have your HQ in the normal position under Boscombe Pier, tho u may need to move the mattress?

Anonymous said...

Watt a horrrible thing to say, are implying that beast hangs around under boscum peir, waiting for the tide to to come in so to speak lol

BEAST said...

Mr NFA and Mr C ,
These are scurrilous rumours spread by the Boscombe Tourist Board.
I spend my days pursued by the paparazzi , and reporters (ie 'Scoop' Frobisher Scandalous Society editor of the Bournemouth Clarion).Great beauty like what I got , is a curse.
I bet David and Victoria dont have to put up with this sh*te.
****Throws Hissy fit, slaps assistant and storms out****

Lippy said...

Oh God I had one of those too! Put me off bikes for years, but now I have proper mountain bike with a ton of gears, much better!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Life is certainly cruel, is it not? I got one bike, a red one for my 5th b'day. I rode that thing till my knees scraped the pavement. I feel ya!

BEAST said...

Lippy said...
Oh God I had one of those too! Put me off bikes for years, but now I have proper mountain bike with a ton of gears, much better!
Lippy , we are bike twins :-)

BEAST said...

DirtyBitchSociety said...
Life is certainly cruel, is it not? I got one bike, a red one for my 5th b'day. I rode that thing till my knees scraped the pavement. I feel ya!

Watcha DBS , I knew you would have a red one :-)

Newforestandy said...

As we all know, despite what Sir Beast may say, all sorts of Beasts lurk under Boscombe Pier. Good to see Beast hasnt lost his title as the Boscombe Queen. I didnt realise you managed to find a new assistant.

mutleythedog said...

You can swap nude pictures with me ... Now!!

mutleythedog said...

Don't believe Lippy by the way... just saying...

BEAST said...

Newforestandy said...
As we all know, despite what Sir Beast may say, all sorts of Beasts lurk under Boscombe Pier. Good to see Beast hasnt lost his title as the Boscombe Queen. I didnt realise you managed to find a new assistant.

Mr NFA , the local job centre sent me a fresh one :-)

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
You can swap nude pictures with me ... Now!!

Do you want a 'split beaver' shot ?????

Don't believe Lippy by the way... just saying...

I do , i bet Lippy has a stonking mountain bike

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