BEASTS REAL COUNTRY KITCHEN

This week , Beast has been Kitchen Bitch for the Gaskins making 'Gaskins secret recipe pear and plum chutney' .As it turns out Mr Gaskin was thrown out of the kitchen before we even started and Mrs Gaskin is almost worse than Mr C in the Prima Donna Chef stakes . the Beast peeled , cored , and chopped mounds of onions , garlic , pears , apples and plums . Weighed sultanas , and ground spices , while Mrs G imperiously critiqued my chopping , chatted to familly and friends on the phone , quaffed tea and repelled borders everytime Mr G attempted an incursion . But finally after hours of boiling and stirring delicious chutney was born.




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If your boil washing your undies and the water looks like this its maybe time for a bath


































The Beast predicts, as with all culinary despots , Mrs G will dispute this version of events , laughably claiming the lions share of the credit for herself .No doubt Frobisher will be carping that his opening a few packets in his inner city 'kitchenette' constitutes the real deal and obvoiusly Mr C will be making scurrilous remarks about my kitchen prowess.
However gentle reader we all know the truth :-)

BEACH BABY

Hurrah The Beast finally has two weeks off from work .
If the weather cheers up (not likely) the Beast will be down the beach

I say madam can I borrow your water wings







First stop on the holiday agenda is Ma Beasties Surprise 70th Birthday do
I dare say there will be a bit of kitchen bitchery at cafe C
Mucking out my house
Laundering my stinky duvet

Will I have time to practice being a homosexual as suggested by Gods representive on earth ...Charles (Do you think half an hour of aerobic mincing will suffice ??? or is this going to be a mamouth undertaking like the dreaded childhood Piano Practice - I will moan about this another time)

Anyway(talking of homosexuals , Piggies fave word) , I must away to the Birthday shenanigans.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

CREEPY CLOWNS

OK so I am scared of clowns.
No shame in admitting that
I am scared of clowns and wasps (that's about it).
My little brother Beast Minor used to wait till the lights were turned out when we were kids and then tell me if there was a nuclear holocaust only me and swarms of giant mutated wasps with clown faces would survive....horrible little bastid.
Anyway I digress This advert particularly freaked me out
What stupid advertising exec EVER thought this was a good idea.
Not only is the clown particularly creepy , its also a pervy peeping tom clown

***Beast honks on horn and pedals off on unicycle***

DEAD BORED

The Beast is bored half to death.

So bored I can't think what to write

***twiddles bored thumbs***

BEAST LEARNS TO DO THE SPLITS

Beast has been a busy boy , the usual grind of the day job , and an emergency dash to Cafe C for a kitchen Bitch shift (Frobisher being unavailable as he was having a back, crack and sack wax in readiness for his Spanish Holiday - is anyone else having visions of plucked chickens ??? ) .
Beast bussled into Cafe C , a little dynamo of energy and bonhomie, and promptly skated the full length of the kitchen ending up in a heap half in the sink . A startled and stressed Mr C having just slopped a load of cooking oil on the floor .
After getting a lecture for attention seeking gymnastics and being late , and the restaurant being full of eager diners , gagging for a portion of Mr C's grub , we didn't have any time to do anything about the oil and had to commence service , skating around like Torville and fecking Dean . It was so bad by the sink I had to tie my shoe laces together while I was tackling the huge mound of washing up , as one false move and I would do a sudden and gusset bursting fit of the splits .....Mr C was not amused by all this 'Norman Wisdom' slapstick as the constant muscle tearing induced screams of agony and shattering crockery was spoiling the ambiance for the diners





Beast and polish waitress Gruchenka prepare the order for table 6







My kitchen performance is obviously improving. I only got told off once as my salad garnish was not 'Glamorous' enough for evening service.
Mr C was expecting the salad equivalent of Big Saturday Night Out Hair









Sadly the Beast's first attempt was found wanting............

BBQ BEAST ****updated***

Oh Yes its a rare picture of Miss MJ's bike

As we all know BBQ tends to be an Alpha male thing , and many are rubbish at it , you gotta keep the food circulating from hot to medium parts of the grill so they cook properly and dont burn and dry out.

Vegetarian BBQ is just plain nasty and should be outlawed . You are what you eat ,so they say , therefore its no suprise vegetarians are generally withered and miserable :-)

A useful trick if you have a lot of people round is part cook things like sausages and ribs in the oven and finish them off on the BBQ , you can knock out far more food in a shorter amount of time that is

a. Edible

b.Wont kill the old/weak of your friends and family.Natural selection is cool but best leave it to nature.

The only other tip I would give is dont buy simple to make salad dressing's as the manufacturers have a knack of over flavouring and manage to produce something quiet vile . How difficult is it to make a subtle and savoury oil, vinegar and herb dressing rather than the foul toxic glultinous crap on offer in the supermarkets .

For the unadventurous or pressed for time Premade mayonaise is a perfectly serviceable product , but make your own and there is a world of difference in taste.

One doesnt need to yet again sing the praises of any form of Salad Cream bottled or fresh.........Miss MJ tells me its better than sex (some would say she isn't doing it right , but who are we to criticise )

YET ANOTHER WEAK GAG ABOUT HAVING A DRAG ON A FAG

Ok not that sort of drag or fag , but this book looks well exciting anyway *








Its been two weeks without a cigarette and its going rather well . No really dreadfull side effects and the Champix seems to be living up to its promise in that the nicotine cravings are very lowkey and easy to ignore.
My tastebuds are however going a bit funny , everything has a fishy taste at the moment ** and I seem to be sleeping a lot *** Obviously its going to take a few weeks to get into the not smoking groove , but its looking good**** .




But the rest of you .....go on put a smile in your smokin














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* Actually It looks utter shite - who on earth writes/reads this drivel
** I can confirm in case anyone was wondering , fishy cake is not very nice
***Ok not that much , I am not in danger of getting bedsores .
****Just like me :-)