A SIMPLE ENOUGH REQUEST

It shouldn't have been difficult.
Mr C regally issued orders for Beast to go to the vet's surgery round the corner from my house and get flea and worm stuff for Alfie.
I bumbled in there and was faced with a real sour faced witch of a receptionist.

I need the usual flea and worm stuff for my dog requests Beast with a winning smile
DOGS NAME she snapped (eyeing me suspiciously)
Alfie Cuntt I responded chirpily (receptionist looks like she just smelled a ripe turd)
ADDRESS she barks
Beast gives address
Alfie not registered under Beasts Address
Tries Mr C's Parents address down the road
Alfie not registered under parental C address
At this point the receptionist gives a flustered Beast a lecture about the flea stuff being a prescription drug not just given out to all and sundry(the strong subtext being .especially deranged lying junkies like meself with imaginary dogs , who was obviously going straight out to snort the stuff behind the dumpster) , as she puffed up like some venomous toad and edged towards the panic button.



Luckily Mrs Schrodinger from no 3 stumbled in at this point with her cat*.Beast took advantage of the diversion and scarpered.
In reality Beast blustered a bit under the gaze of the harridan , futilely trying to explain why I didn't know where my dog lived or whether it had been to this vets in the last 6 months ..... then I scarpered.

Mr C eventually phoned the vet's and blagged it , so I can apparently attempt to go and pick up the stuff today..............unless.......... ITS A TRAP



Heroic Beast , innocent fugitive from justice , makes a trip to the corner shop for some biscuits.




* Oh yes its a quantum Physics joke

L'EAU DE FROBISHER

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Feeling somewhat parched from a long walk along the Dorset Cliff path , I stumbled into a cafe with a mouth as dry as Gandhi's flip flop , and demanded instant liquid sustenance.

Imagine my surprise to be presented with 'Frobisher in a bottle' or more accurately , Frobisher's squeezed BUMberries.

Full marks to Mr F for exploiting his hanging haemorrhoid's as a natural resource ripe for the harvest ,

However , the Beast was less than impressed I don't know whether it was the glutinous , blood red liquid that flopped out of the bottle , or the slightly sulphurous odour that put me off :-( . Do you think Frobisher's Gusset Goo would have been a better choice ???

EXCITED

This is a picture of the lovely Boscombe Beach , site of the first artificial surfing reef in the Northern hemisphere , due for completion just in time for the Beast's two week vacation in September.







They construct the reef from 100 ft sandbags 245 metres off shore . So far it has cost 3m quid and taken about 12 years of committee meetings , but at last its is nearly ready . I am sure that come the first winter storm , the reef will end up in Boscombe High street :-)

Bournemouth council are hoping this will bring a veneer of surfer glamour to Boscombe , one of Bournemouths more run down and chavy suburbs .

Winner of this years 'Miss Bountifull Boscombe' crown , Ms Caress Scrubb is hoping it will lead to a 'Baywatch' style boost to her burgeoning career as an airship errrm plus size model




One can imagine it will lead to a proliferation of all manner of exciting outdoor sports.


Beast will be squeezing into a shorty wetty and spending my two weeks paddling about in the rolling surf , fighting off impertinent advances from the Japanese Whaling fleet and nimbly avoiding molestation by the hordes of killer jellyfish the tabloids insist are massing off the beaches.

BEFUDLED

The Beast is having concentration issues at present.

I start something and wander off in the mi

YAY

THREE WHOLE DAYS OFF THE FAGS



Not these fags

you fools














These ones





Whose a clever boy then :-)

CANNON FODDER

The Beast has found his Niche in life.
Cannon Fodder.
Let me explain . For those of you who have never worked in a commercial kitchen , it is a high pressure environment , when service kicks off its two hours of pandemonium presided over by 'The Talent' .
The Talent's every whim is serviced by The Minions.

Now Cafe C is a small establishment so is a microcosm of a larger kitchen.When The Beast is summoned to do a shift , I am under no allusions that Mr C and his assistant chef are The Talent and the Minor Talent and I am The Minions.
Now at least twice during a busy service The Talent feel the need to have a Great Big Pressure Relieving Diva Tantrum.
The natural conclusion of a GBPRDT is someone has to be thrown out of the kitchen . In a larger establishment ,of course you have a choice of hapless minions to take the bullet for the greater good , (its obviously bad practice to give the minor talent the red card in the middle of service) , therefore in Cafe C , the fickle finger of fate is pointing squarely at the Beast.
Its always the Beast that has to take the walk of shame and don the proverbial dunces cap.
'BEAST YOUR DOING MY HEAD IN GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN'
***Beast heaves a sigh and totters off***
***waits ten minutes***
***Totters back , carries on with washing up and waits for the next time*** .
Of course If I completely misunderstood my role , I could get on my high horse , bluster away pointlessly proclaiming my obvious innocence and cause a kitchen meltdown , but I accept my fate of staggering out , with the accumulated weight of the sins committed against The Talent's insistence for efficiency , style and perfection and provide closure.
As the Catholic Church discovered centuries ago , when the going gets tough , publically persocuting the innocent puts a smile on everyones face.Thank the lord Public Boiling has been outlawed or tomorrows soup of the day could have been Beast Broth.

On another note, Miss MJ's Knit Yourself a Girlfriend challenge has gone horribly wrong ! Do you think it will shrink if I boil wash it ???

DOUBLE FEATURE

The Beast being a fan of the performing arts likes nothing better than settling down for an evening of culture and marvelling at a performer with ENORMOUS talent.A double bill of Miss Chesty Morgans big n bouncy brand of method acting is just the ticket.

Miss Morgan manages to steer her 73" whoppers through 'Deadly Weapons'(gedditttt???) and Double Agent 73 (GEDDITTTTT???) without knocking anything over and even manages to deliver lines.

What are your top nominations for Beastbite film of the year ?