Monday, 22 February 2010

BEDRAGGLED

It was a dark and stormy night as wind and rain lashed the Beasts Lair . I had managed to wrestle two over excited dogs onto their leads for the dash to the car , and exited the front door in a maelstrom of barking , yanking canine hell (Walkies are just sooooooo exciting). Just as I got into the garden , Alfie yanked really hard on his lead and jerked the keys out of my hand . They sailed directly over my head and landed on the door mat just as the wind slammed the self locking front door.
There was much dancing and cursing as a bedraggled Beast , Alfie and Lloyd were locked out of both the house and the car in the pouring rain. I remembered I had secreted a spare key under one of the array of pots that litter the front garden.....
But which damn pot was it ?????.
There followed much scrabbling , groping , yanking , screaming and shouting in the pitch black (the street lights had decided to switch themselves off , just to add to the misery) .I can report that it is amazing how much slimey ick can accumulate under pots over the winter , eventually I located the key and rescued the car and house keys from the mat .
A soaked  , begrimed and vile tempered Beast and his two howling familiars finally departed for Cafe C and promptly got stuck in a two hour traffic jam.
It was not an evening I care to repeat.
Two days later , I was running about getting ready for work , late as usual and the hounds of hell were being contrary . After finally getting them settled , wee'd and watered . I ran out the door and realised  just as the door slammed shut that I had grabbed the Cafe Keys rather than my own . So I was now once again locked out of the house and car   , and the dogs were locked inside.
Had I replaced the spare key in the garden
Had I f*ck!
****interlude of more dancing , cursing and swearing***
I was now well late and had to march off to work to open all the support desks (Its a 40 minute hike) . Once there I rang several locksmiths  , all of the buggers claimed they couldnt fit me in till the next day unless I paid a 5 million pound callout fee but eventually I found one who said its very busy but he could fit me in ,  in 30 minutes or forget it  , so I had to yomp back home in record time.
I was expecting some big old mularkey with skeleton keys or lock drills as I stood wheezing and sweating on the pavement , but the guy hoiked some manky old length of metal tubing from his van , that had been bent into a U shape. Stuck it thru the letterbox and lifted the inner unlocking handle.........it took all of thirty seconds and just goes to show how frighteningly crap these supposedly secure doors are.
Thirty seconds work for £50 quid....the guy must be minted.

The  exciting news  of the day is that a suspicious looking package was lurking on the door step when I arrived home. Hurrah the pee book prize  has finally arrived from Miss MJ














The Beast doesnt need no book to tell him that this majestic specimen is yelling RAW SEX APPEAL................RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

i new you had stolen some of my knok off fags bastard!!

BEAST said...

Eh ?
No I didnt , I only had the packet you gave me and Luke on Friday

KAZ said...

You can learn from this experience Beastie.
Buy yourself a piece of metal tubing and retrain.

eroswings said...

Good lord! That is a terrible experience! Thank goodness that lovely book arrived in time to brighten things up.

We have deadbolts here. You need a key to lock 'em and unlock 'em.

What is that marmite jar in the back? Is it like vegemite?

Scarlet Blue said...

I've seen the letterbox trick... and the credit card trick.
I'll shut up now.
Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

Is that your wee then?????
EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW....
Sx

BEAST said...

KAZ said...
You can learn from this experience Beastie.
Buy yourself a piece of metal tubing and retrain.

sounds like a plan Miss Kaz , altho I am not very dextorous , it could all end in disaster

BEAST said...

eroswings said...
Good lord! That is a terrible experience! Thank goodness that lovely book arrived in time to brighten things up.

We have deadbolts here. You need a key to lock 'em and unlock 'em.
I can just imagine ending up locked INSIDE the house

What is that marmite jar in the back? Is it like vegemite?
Marmite is stronger than vegemite , Its lush

BEAST said...

Scarlet Blue said...
I've seen the letterbox trick... and the credit card trick.
I'll shut up now.

Smatypants !

BEAST said...

Scarlet Blue said...
Is that your wee then?????
EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW....
Is it the foaming head you object to Miss S ???

Scarlet Blue said...

I'm having a fit of the vapours... I need MJ... and Firstnations; I cannot cope with this alone.
Sx

MJ said...

Help has arrived, Miss Scarlet!

But wait...

What's that smell?

Oh mother of piss it's a urine sample! GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

This is almost as disturbing as the day Piggy showed us a photo of his stool sample.

MJ said...

And is that bog roll in the background?

Scarlet Blue said...

It is nightmare inducing... there is a sinister looking funnel going into a bottle... and WEE HAS BEEN SPILT on the cutting board.
This is not a kitchen. This is a laboratory.
Are you making Marmite wine, Mr Beastie?
Sx

inkspot said...

I quite like being bedraggled.

Depends who's doing the raggling of course.

BEAST said...

Scarlet Blue said...
I'm having a fit of the vapours... I need MJ... and Firstnations; I cannot cope with this alone.

Girls make such a fuss , its only a glass of foaming wee

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Help has arrived, Miss Scarlet!

But wait...

What's that smell?

Oh mother of piss it's a urine sample! GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

This is almost as disturbing as the day Piggy showed us a photo of his stool sample.

Its sealed and in the post Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha. As I only spent 50 p on the stamp , it should have matured nicely by the time it arrives Miss MJ :-))

mutleythedog said...

A fine pint of Old Lesbian No.3 by the look of it..

BEAST said...

MJ said...
And is that bog roll in the background?

Its kitchen roll , you bat eyed bint :-~~)

BEAST said...

Scarlet Blue said...
It is nightmare inducing... there is a sinister looking funnel going into a bottle... and WEE HAS BEEN SPILT on the cutting board.
This is not a kitchen. This is a laboratory.
Are you making Marmite wine, Mr Beastie?
I love marmite , it is especially good spread on carrot sticks

BEAST said...

inkspot said...
I quite like being bedraggled.

Depends who's doing the raggling of course.
You naughty wordsmith you!

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
A fine pint of Old Lesbian No.3 by the look of it..

dammit , The Old Lesbian secret recipe is out , its finger lickin good , just like the colonel said :-)

kabuki zero said...

you pee and eat on the same table? eewwwww. even my parrot will stick its birdy tush over the edge and tinkle on the floor. what a barbarian. cancel my dinner invitation, i'll just scrape something off the road and spread it on toast.

Donnw/2nz said...

I am pathetic with keys...rubbish..I need to have one surgically attached.
I finally made a stuff-station where my wallet. watch, cell, keys glasses..everything all goes in the second I get in the door..no exceptions EVER!!!

BEAST said...

kabuki zero said...
you pee and eat on the same table? eewwwww. even my parrot will stick its birdy tush over the edge and tinkle on the floor. what a barbarian. cancel my dinner invitation, i'll just scrape something off the road and spread it on toast.

Kabuki...your such an old fashioned girl at heart .There is damn fine eatin on them roads :-)

BEAST said...

Donnw/2nz said...
I am pathetic with keys...rubbish..I need to have one surgically attached.
I finally made a stuff-station where my wallet. watch, cell, keys glasses..everything all goes in the second I get in the door..no exceptions EVER!!!

Donn , I like the cut of your gybe Sir , the stuff station sounds like man heaven , my keys have a little attachement that warbles if you whistle and a little light flashes.....its so coooool

MJ said...

Where is this man heaven of which you speak?

Oh Hai, Miss kabuki!

BEAST said...

Its wherever Donn and his Stuff Station is Miss MJ. Just the name STUFF STATION sends testosterone coursing through the veins .It wreaks of the Hunter returning triuphant to his cave ...your a girl you wouldn't understand

MJ said...

I WANT A STUFF STATION!

Scarlet Blue said...

...it's called a handbag...
Sx
I was sleepy when I first read these comments... I was going to ask if I was a stuff station... but then read it all properly.

BEAST said...

A HANDBAG?????

That Oscar Wilde....he knew how to write a killer oneliner :-)

KAZ said...

It takes a true intellectual to think of Oscar Wilde when the word handbag is mentioned.
We women would be only concerned with style, colour and cost.

BEAST said...

Spoken like a true WAG Miss Kaz

MJ said...

Does anyone here remember Beast’s manbag?

Scarlet Blue said...

Yes! I wonder if he's got a new one since then?
Sx

MJ said...

I caught him browsing this page of the Ed Hardy catalogue.

Scarlet Blue said...

Very nice too!
How about this?
Sx

MJ said...

Why that's lovely, Miss Scarlet.

He can carry his tampons around in that quite nicely.

BEAST said...

Miss MJ and Miss Scarlet .Bestill your twanging knicker elastic .
You cant offset The Beasts raw sexual magnetism by attempting to femenise my post , brandishing chi chi handbags and female sanitary products .You just have to accept and bask in the glow :-)
***wafts cloud of phemerones at MJ***

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