Monday, 28 April 2008

ITS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE



The Beast has long been a champion of equal rights for all , while accepting there are major differences between the sexes. I don't just mean devils dumplings and dangly bits.
As the good doctor would have it Men are from Mars....blah blah blah.






In general the Beast is very understanding of incompatibility in thinking style , lets face it if I was in the grip of a whirling maelstrom of hormones 24/7 , I could be forgiven for spectacular freaky logic and obsessions with the size of my arse and shoes.**
However there is one area of female behaviour that is currently insensing the Beast. The lunchtime SALAD BAR.


What is it with girls and salad . They seem to lose all vestiges of conscious thinking .You see the blighters standing there , mouth agape , totally bemused. They will then at some point , leap into action and start putting things on their plates ....slowly VERY VERY slowly , heaven forbid you may go wild and end up with 1 shred of grated carrot too many , better to be safe than sorry.
Then we are on to the leaves , should I take this one....oh no better stop and think for a bit first....maybe that one , its just so confusing.Cucumber hmmmm , could be dangerous , lets just stand here blocking the queue for a bit , just in case they explode or something.Lord preserve us if there are any premixed salad dishes , we have half an hour of fishing the bits they like out of the mixture
JESUS FECKING H CHRIST I ONLY GET AN HOUR FOR LUNCH .
The upshot is I end up with 3 minutes to stuff my lunch down, and end up with an uncomfortable afternoon of indigestion.
SINGLE SEX SALAD BARS ARE THE WAY FORWARD !

What annoys you about the opposite sex ???



**Miss First Nations or Miss MJ will probably beat me to death with a garden spade for this , thats another thing about girls......dead touchy!

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

SALAD CREAM - AN EPICURIOUS ORGASM


OK so here we go for the heathen hoards out there that have not come across gods own salad dressing. Wikipedia extols that altho it is enormously popular in the UK , this culinary masterpiece is unavailable elsewhere in the world.....I am sure it meant to add that as you are all heathen foreigners with nasty habits you don't deserve it....still
It has been a popular salad and sandwich dressing in the UK since the 1800's and was bottled commercially by the sainted Mr Heinz from the early 20Th century.
Famous Chef Marco Pierre White claims it is the greatest culinary invention of the 20th century. While we at Beastbite applaud the sentiment, we also snigger at the ignorant french twerp for getting his dates wrong.
So in the interest of world peace the Beast will now reveal possible THE quintessential Salad Cream recipe from Victorian housewife superstar Eliza Acton.
3 large eggs
good pinch cayenne pepper
150ml fromage frais (or double cream)
4 teaspoon white wine vinegar
salt
1.Boil eggs for exactly 9 minutes . then cool under cold running tap
2.Peel eggs , cut in half and scoop yolks into a bowl.
3. Add 1/4 teaspoon of salt and cayenne pepper and pound to a paste
4.Stir in the fromage frais a bit at a time , mixing it smoothly.
5.Stir in the vinegar and check seasoning.
6.If it looks too thin at this stage don't worry , cover the bowl and put in the fridge for a couple of hours. It will end up the consistency of thickish cream.
Now slurp it on your salad, slap it in your sandwiches or spread it on various body parts , but if you want to be sophisticated and cultured , Like what I am (wipes nose on sleeve)
Make some cucumber sandwiches spreading a god slurp of salad cream on one side of the bread (and cut those damn crusts off , we are NOT entertaining down the docks).Tastefully arrange them on a doily , maybe a few slices of cake on another
Make a nice pot of tea , dress up, sit decorously(no slouching) and nibble your sandwiches(no gobbling) , pinkie raised and politely discuss the weather.
More tea vicar ?

Sunday, 20 April 2008

A DELICATE HINT OF BOWEL



Half the week we spent enveloped in a choking cloud of vile odours wafted over the English Chanel by the dreadful french .Redolent of the horrors of continental plumbing , cow farts and gauloise , It bought back olfactory memories of having to use 'Turkish' toilets on the motorway into Paris.If you have been there you will know what i mean.
What do you expect from a nation that only wash below the waist , the sooner we get out of the European Union the better.


Our freaky April weather continues with a somewhat protracted Thunderstorm this afternoon. Now I both love a good storm , but they also frighten me . I think the fright bit comes from grandma Beasty , she was a little wrinkled , gnome of a woman with no teeth , she was a veritable storehouse of bizarre stories and superstitions. She would creep about when it stormed , taking out all her hair pins (in case she got struck by lightening) and covering all the mirrors (in case evil spirits came thru) , and would then tell us kids terrible stories about people getting struck by lightening so that all that was left was a pair of smoking shoes , or catching site of something nasty in an uncovered mirror and there hair going white and all their family dying and stuff.(it was always some distant relative for added realism)....
This used to frighten the bejezus out five year old kids , and altho I am now in my forties , and its the middle of the day . I am sitting here resisting a very strong urge to cover the huge mirror in my lounge.......I know its stupid , but I wont look at it, just in case :-)

What childhood supestitions do you carry with you into your 'rational' adulthood

Monday, 14 April 2008

ANOTHER FINE MESS



I have just spectacularly embarrassed meself.

I love vegetables , so I made myself a big old hash of veg for me dinner , mashed potato , sprouts , leeks , sweet potato , carrot and mushy peas all served with a gravy so thick , you could dance on it. My eyes being bigger than my belly ,an impossibility the mean spirited amongst you may shout.(One word MJ and your banned!) .I made a smidgeon too much.

Having manfully done my best , I had a bit of a dilemma on my hands , I gathered the left overs onto a plate with the intention of doing the decent thing and chilling it for tomorrow. Sadly my inner Paris Hilton stepped up and had a screaming tantrum about being expected to eat manky day old veg AGAIN tomorrow.I weakened , threw economic caution to the wind and chucked the whole sorry mess down the downstairs lav .Well I didn't want the malodorous ghost of dinners past stinking up the kitchen.

At this point the door bell rang , a friend from work popping round for a chat and a coffee .Chat and coffee accomplished they asked to use the loo before they went.

***Bathroom Door closes..... startled scream.... hasty embarrassed exit.****

Which seemed a bit odd, as they hadn't been in there long enough to have done a massive dump , so requiring a quick getaway before the stench invaded the house.

As I was puzzling over this bizarre behaviour , I suddenly realised with horror , that on chucking the horrible morass of vegetables and gravy down the loo(completely splattering the pan in the process) , I had closed the lid , but hadn't flushed .

God alone knows what kind of horrific gastric incident they thought had occurred and I dread to think what hideous rumours will be circulating tomorrow :-(

Thursday, 10 April 2008

WHAT A CROCK.......


The Beast's entrepenurial spirit has been spiked by the news that the worlds most expensive cup of coffee has gone on sale at Peter Jones in Chelsea. 50 Quid will get you a blend of Jamaican blue and beans recovered from cat shit(its true , look it up you lazy barstids)
The Beast will be jumping straight on this bandwagon .I am overfeeding next doors manky moggy to secure supplies and bringing you a cheeky little blend of Lidl's finest value instant coffee mixed with geniune Bournemouth cat excrement.
I shall be calling this culinary marvel a Crapaccino !.

Friday, 4 April 2008

BEASTIES HELPFULL HOUSEHOLD HINTS


Fuck! thought Mavis, I was hoping for an orgasmatron 9000 turbo.

Until now vacuum cleaners have been associated with household drudgery.Many a practical yet confused man has bought one as a present , expecting a rapturous response , culminating in him being flung on the sofa with scant regard for the artfully arranged soft furnishings and strumped till his teeth rattle.
History has proved a 4 month headache and permanent PMT is the likely result.





Partly* this is becuase men harbour furtive fantasies of what bored housewives get up to when they are not there .A coffee morning could so easily explode into a maelstrom of dusters , pledge, pop up bra's and some spirited crevice tool action.
This vitually never (unless you live in Bridport) Happens.
Until now.
As reported on ananova


Ananova:
Vacuum screamer
A US mother-of-three has invented a sex toy that connects to a vacuum cleaner to give an orgasm in just ten seconds.
The gadget, called Vortex Vibrations, works by concentrating the air flow to create a rapid and gentle vibration, reports the Sun.
Inventor Joanne Drysdale claims it can give multiple, back-to-back orgasms lasting up to a minute a time - and it does not even touch the skin.
The 49-year-old former toolmaker was cleaning her carpets when she came up with the idea for Vortex, which sells for £35 through lovehoney.co.uk.
She saw how a piece of rubber that had got caught in the nozzle was gently resonating in the air flow. She also felt a soft stimulation to her fingertips as she tried to remove the rubber.
At the time Joanne, from Utah, had not had sex for 15 years following her divorce.
She said: "In my attempts to alleviate frustration, I began to think what I could do. I noticed how the rubber moved in the top of the vacuum.
"After several hours, I came up with the prototype. The first time I tried it I reached an orgasm within 10 seconds.
"That was when I knew I was on to something that could potentially bring pleasure to all women."


**




*The other part is becuase men are hopefull creatures dragged thru life by rampant genitals retricting the blood supply to their brains........ I should know , I am one.

** Some of you may dispute this - please send pictures

Tuesday, 1 April 2008

MA BEASTIES REVENGE

The other night , I was just home from work and gassing to Ma Beasty on MSN messenger. I was just saying to her I didnt know what to have for dinner , and I could not be bothered with too much cooking.She said try this chickpea curry recipe , its a peace of cake , dead quick etc etc

1 Onion Chopped
1 clove garlic chopped
1 can chopped tomatoes
1 small potatoes pelled and fine diced (add creamyness and thickening to sauce)
1 can chick peas
1 tsp curry powder(depending on taste)
1 tsp garam masala
Seasoning to taste

1.Sweat off onion and garlic in 2 tbls oil
2.Add curry cook for 2 minutes
3.Add tomatoe and potato dice and simmer for 20 minutes , then mash or blend
4.Add Chickpeas and garam masala and simmer for 10 more minutes


I have to say it was un expectedly revolting . Texture , flavour , wrong on so many levels .Added to which I woke up in the night with shocking stomach cramps(I was dreaming I was having a baby) followed by a dreadfull gastric incident , that had me enthroned in the lav for a good 30 minutes.
The next day I spoke to Ma Beasty and said that curry was terrible.
She said , far too gleafully for my liking
'I know !! it was really , really horrible ,Your father goes green if I mention it, I just wanted to see if you thought the same' and then laughed
This is just petty revenge for the Steamed mushroom pudding incident
(Which I wont go into as it still makes me feel sick)
One Expects better of ones parents :-(

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO