Monday, 28 April 2008

ITS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE



The Beast has long been a champion of equal rights for all , while accepting there are major differences between the sexes. I don't just mean devils dumplings and dangly bits.
As the good doctor would have it Men are from Mars....blah blah blah.






In general the Beast is very understanding of incompatibility in thinking style , lets face it if I was in the grip of a whirling maelstrom of hormones 24/7 , I could be forgiven for spectacular freaky logic and obsessions with the size of my arse and shoes.**
However there is one area of female behaviour that is currently insensing the Beast. The lunchtime SALAD BAR.


What is it with girls and salad . They seem to lose all vestiges of conscious thinking .You see the blighters standing there , mouth agape , totally bemused. They will then at some point , leap into action and start putting things on their plates ....slowly VERY VERY slowly , heaven forbid you may go wild and end up with 1 shred of grated carrot too many , better to be safe than sorry.
Then we are on to the leaves , should I take this one....oh no better stop and think for a bit first....maybe that one , its just so confusing.Cucumber hmmmm , could be dangerous , lets just stand here blocking the queue for a bit , just in case they explode or something.Lord preserve us if there are any premixed salad dishes , we have half an hour of fishing the bits they like out of the mixture
JESUS FECKING H CHRIST I ONLY GET AN HOUR FOR LUNCH .
The upshot is I end up with 3 minutes to stuff my lunch down, and end up with an uncomfortable afternoon of indigestion.
SINGLE SEX SALAD BARS ARE THE WAY FORWARD !

What annoys you about the opposite sex ???



**Miss First Nations or Miss MJ will probably beat me to death with a garden spade for this , thats another thing about girls......dead touchy!

61 comments:

Newforestandy said...

Aww sounds like it might be a good thing to prepare your salad at home and take it with you, then you would avoid the stressful lunchtime and the following indigestion.

Having very little close to close contact with the opposite sex I dont really have things that annoy me too much! (Thankfully)

livesbythewoods said...

Hm, blokes who insist on building huge bowl-extension constructions out of cucumber to allow themn to heap more and more potato salad into the bowl.

The salad bowl, not the toilet. In case you were wondering.

MJ said...

It sounds to me like you have a bad case of PMT.

I suggest a lie down and a nice cuppa chamomile tea.

By the way, what's your shoe size?

Leah said...

Well, nothing annoys me about men. They're pure, unmitigated delight............

Now, being the mayonnaise afficionado I am, I have made your recipe (or more accurately Eliza Acton's recipe) for salad cream. Yes, I did, believe it or not. Delicious. I used heavy cream in place of double cream, and gingerly dipped some cucumber spears and carrot sticks in to taste test. It really was good. Salad Cream doubters believe!

Daisy said...

beast i can sympathize with you and have often had that problem myself...i like salad bars but go through them quickly and hate waiting for someone else...

the thing that annoys me to no end with men, is how they talk to my tits...do you guys not understand that they have no ears? i have had to literally show men where my eyes were before and asked them to look in them when talking it is so annoying...as if we can't see where you are looking? wtf

Gorilla Bananas said...

Eating salad from salad bars is not for the male of the species, Beast. You should have your own vegetable patch and eat it raw. As for hurrying the ladies along, try staring at their bottoms intently. They can always tell.

Liz said...

Why on earth does a man want to eat salad anyway? Men don't do salad. not unless they're gay ...

FirstNations said...

too busy growing it to worry about it when the time comes for IT TO DIE MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!

you would love standing behind me in line. not only is the view spectatular, i pile the stuff on my plate all willy-nilly. it's all compost eventually. plus i take my shirt off at random and brandish it about like a flag.
i like salad.

Donn said...

You insensitive bastard! You know damn well that a Lady cannot appear to be starving herself half to death just to fit into the skirt (one size too small) that she's wearing.

It's disturbingly similar to when they are engaging in Intercourse..they cannot appear to know how to do this or do that...like a pornstar..that would mean that you weren't the first (ie THE BEST) and nobody needs that...pfft..
that's so old school eh?

Like the suicide bombers and their seventy f*cking two bloody virgins OY!
To hell with that!
I'd trade them all in for one Pro...maybe two.

INNER VOICES said...

so who would be left to properly toss my salad then at the all mens salad bar?? i think i might sneak into the womans salad tossing area... mix that with my salad cream and be done with it.

BEAST said...

Newforestandy said...
Aww sounds like it might be a good thing to prepare your salad at home and take it with you, then you would avoid the stressful lunchtime and the following indigestion.

Having very little close to close contact with the opposite sex I dont really have things that annoy me too much! (Thankfully)

Mr NFA , The Beast organised enough to make his own lunch ....MWHA HA HA HA HA HA.
Likethats EVER going to happen

BEAST said...

livesbythewoods said...
Hm, blokes who insist on building huge bowl-extension constructions out of cucumber to allow themn to heap more and more potato salad into the bowl.

The salad bowl, not the toilet. In case you were wondering.

Thats sounds a good trick LBTW I will give that a try

BEAST said...

MJ said...
It sounds to me like you have a bad case of PMT.

I suggest a lie down and a nice cuppa chamomile tea.

By the way, what's your shoe size?

Miss MJ its Pre Lunch Tension , no bugger gets between a hungry Beast and his food
Cammomile tea tastes like warm piss
Size 10 (Thats a UK ten not a wierdo US one or an even freakier euro 44)

BEAST said...

Leah said...
Well, nothing annoys me about men. They're pure, unmitigated delight............
Do I detect a soupcon of sarcasm ???

Now, being the mayonnaise afficionado I am, I have made your recipe (or more accurately Eliza Acton's recipe) for salad cream. Yes, I did, believe it or not. Delicious. I used heavy cream in place of double cream, and gingerly dipped some cucumber spears and carrot sticks in to taste test. It really was good. Salad Cream doubters believe!
Did you spend half an hour selecting the carrot sticks and cucumber spears from the salad bar ????..... see I told you it was goooooooooood

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
beast i can sympathize with you and have often had that problem myself...i like salad bars but go through them quickly and hate waiting for someone else...
Rats Daisy you have shown up my wild sweeping generalisation about girls for what it is

the thing that annoys me to no end with men, is how they talk to my tits...do you guys not understand that they have no ears? i have had to literally show men where my eyes were before and asked them to look in them when talking it is so annoying...as if we can't see where you are looking? wtf

Its unfettered optimism and a healthy dollop of stupidity . Like dogs us boys think if we stare at something long enough it will by force of will alone end up coming our way. A slap accross the nose with arolled up newspaper works on dogs and men alike :-)

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Eating salad from salad bars is not for the male of the species, Beast. You should have your own vegetable patch and eat it raw. As for hurrying the ladies along, try staring at their bottoms intently. They can always tell.
Mr B , sadly having to eat in the workplace, one is not afforded much of a choice , its salad or slop. In theses days of diversity I find growling more effective than ass staring , and less likely to result in being carted off by the Human Resources Sexual Harrasement Swat Team

BEAST said...

Liz said...
Why on earth does a man want to eat salad anyway? Men don't do salad. not unless they're gay ...
Liz , Liz , Liz....... everyone knows quiche is poof food.
Now a Beast saladwould be.
Take a large bowl, chuck in leaves of choice , diced beetroot , cucumber , red onion , mixed peppers , grated carrot and strong cheese , radishes , celery , freshly cooked new potatoes , tomatoe , a can of tuna. Dress with lashings of salad cream or olive oil and vinegar. Serve with a large chunk of garlic bread.
Now thats propper man food .
Anyone who disagree's is a GREAT BIG LESBIAN

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
too busy growing it to worry about it when the time comes for IT TO DIE MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!

you would love standing behind me in line. not only is the view spectatular, i pile the stuff on my plate all willy-nilly. it's all compost eventually. plus i take my shirt off at random and brandish it about like a flag.
i like salad.

You will get no arguement out of me Miss FN .
Home grown is best
There is not enough Gratuitous salad bar breast baring .
I too love salad

BEAST said...

Donn said...
You insensitive bastard! You know damn well that a Lady cannot appear to be starving herself half to death just to fit into the skirt (one size too small) that she's wearing.

It's disturbingly similar to when they are engaging in Intercourse..they cannot appear to know how to do this or do that...like a pornstar..that would mean that you weren't the first (ie THE BEST) and nobody needs that...pfft..
that's so old school eh?

Like the suicide bombers and their seventy f*cking two bloody virgins OY!
To hell with that!
I'd trade them all in for one Pro...maybe two.

Well said Donn , we want the sort of girls who will attack the salad bar or the bedroom like a truffling pig :-) , thats if they can get past an amazonian bare breasted Miss First Nations wielding the salad tongs

BEAST said...

INNER VOICES said...
so who would be left to properly toss my salad then at the all mens salad bar?? i think i might sneak into the womans salad tossing area... mix that with my salad cream and be done with it.
Mr Voices you have suffered too long under the yoke of rampant femenism , grab your testicles , break free and toss your own salad

MJ said...

I almost forgot to beat you with a spade.

*brandishes salad tongs instead*

MJ said...

Your shoe size is larger than I expected.

What size are your pants?

BEAST said...

Do you mean trousers or skivvies Miss MJ. 34 " waist/ large
46" chest
6 ft
Anything else ????

MJ said...

Why don't you tell me your skivvies size as I measure the inside seam of your trousers?

BEAST said...

my inside seam is 31 " miss MJ and my skivvies size is LARGE. I will leave to your fevered imaginings as to wether the beast favours boxers or briefs.

MJ said...

Large. That doesn't surprise me as you need enough space to accommodate the fruit basket.

BEAST said...

That was a vile rumour spread by those bitter sarcastic types who shall remain nameless Miss Mj

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Aggressive driving. Why do all men suddenly think they're Louis Armstrong in an F1 car the minute you put them behind the fucking whee!?!

BEAST said...

What a bizzare image CB , a trumpet playing F1 driver. I have noticed anyone in a BMW regardless of sex gets like that

Daisy said...

aw beast i am not a girl...i am a real woman...big difference...i don't need the salad bar to complete me...just feed me :)

Liz said...

You looking for a fight, pretty boy? Come on, come on, if you think you're 'ard enough. I've been taking fighting lessons. I throw a mean right hook.

BEAST said...

Daisy .One of the great pleasures in life is feeding people.The Beast will be cooking up a delight for you.

Liz . Ther is nothing pretty about the Beast , who would frighten the crows from your aunts garden (as the saying goes) Both myself and Daisy are karate trained so watch out , you got a fight on your hands.
***Drops into stance****

Daisy said...

beast i would love nothing more than popping by for dinner with you cooking...of course i would want to sample as it went along and would want to be there from start to finish drinking wine and joking throughout...it would be lovely...and i don't care what you have in your loo :)

...joins beast and pulls back for a roundhouse kick...i got ya back beast!

Pink Drama said...

you do know there are 2 sides of the salad bar right beast? that way if one side is taking too long, move to the other!!!

Frobisher said...

Shopping Beast, have you noticed that?

Wimmen will pack away all their shopping in bags in a leisurely fashion then look utterly surprised when the cashier asks for the money.

Then the whole who-ha of looking for their purse - checking the handbag, all pockets, un-packing shopping to see if the purse is in their, then realising that it was in the car! Burns my ass.

Me on the other hand have already calculated roughly the value of my shopping and have the correct money on hand or card to pay with so I can be out of the shop as quickly as possible.

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
beast i would love nothing more than popping by for dinner with you cooking...of course i would want to sample as it went along and would want to be there from start to finish drinking wine and joking throughout...it would be lovely...and i don't care what you have in your loo :)

...joins beast and pulls back for a roundhouse kick...i got ya back beast!

Ha Ha Ha , the loo was a once only mistake , social cooking is the best , with good music , convo and a few drinks :-)

BEAST said...

Pink Drama said...
you do know there are 2 sides of the salad bar right beast? that way if one side is taking too long, move to the other!!!
Sadly Miss Pinky , the salad bar at work is one sided only, so your stuck until the dithering girlies have finished :-(

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
Shopping Beast, have you noticed that?

Wimmen will pack away all their shopping in bags in a leisurely fashion then look utterly surprised when the cashier asks for the money.

Then the whole who-ha of looking for their purse - checking the handbag, all pockets, un-packing shopping to see if the purse is in their, then realising that it was in the car! Burns my ass.

Me on the other hand have already calculated roughly the value of my shopping and have the correct money on hand or card to pay with so I can be out of the shop as quickly as possible.

Oh yes Frobisher I have noticed , but I thought it best to draw a viel over that one in case i got lynched by maruading gang of enraged femenists(once they finish rearranging their handbags , of course)

INNER VOICES said...

SELF-SALAD TOSSING??? i dunno man, sounds like something you would see a picture of at mjs...

*gets shivers and bad taste in mouth*

BEAST said...

Oi voices talking of which .....Its FILTHY FRIDAY at MJ's tomorrow....Yippeeeee

MJ said...

Beast and Voices: I'm sure my readers will be interested to see the pic of the two of you that I'm posting on Filthy Friday.

UBERMOUTH said...

hahahaha so true!
What bugs me about the opposite sex?

It would be less exhaustive to list what DOESN't bug me. Instead I shall tell a joke-
what is the difference between a dildo and a man?
A dildo can't mow your lawn.

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Beast and Voices: I'm sure my readers will be interested to see the pic of the two of you that I'm posting on Filthy Friday.

Pah , It only adds to the smokescreen surrounding the true Beast , and allows me to carry on my nefarious activities in complete anonimity

BEAST said...

UBERMOUTH said...
hahahaha so true!
What bugs me about the opposite sex?

Fasten you seatbelts , here it comes

It would be less exhaustive to list what DOESN't bug me. Instead I shall tell a joke-
what is the difference between a dildo and a man?
A dildo can't mow your lawn.


Whats the difference between a girl and an automatic washing machine Miss Uber.......

You can dump your load in a washing machine and it doesnt follow you around for 3 weeks :-)

Daisy said...

frobisher...not all women shop like that...i only use a debit card when i shop because i hate people looking at how much cash i have and counting it in front of people...i carry it in my pocket and just pull it out to pay...no mess no wait...and i am done...and i am not the only one...my best friend shops like that as well...

BEAST said...

I am queueing up behind Daisy then :-) I always pay by card , its much easier , I like using those self service tills as well , its amazing the mayhem you can cause with them

Daisy said...

beast if you are going to be behind me...i'd better put my tight jeans on for you ;)

btw i love those self serve tills too!

MJ said...

I'm not bothered where I am in the queue as long as it's not behind Beast.

Peuwwww.

UBERMOUTH said...

hahahahah

What's the difference betweena man and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around for ten days after you have used it.

BEAST said...

MJ . You would loveto be standing behind me checking out my pert ass.

Uber thats cheating , you pinched my joke and reversed the sex.....

You know when you see them signs saying 'Wet Floor' thats a warning Miss Uber....not a command :-)

UBERMOUTH said...

Did you know I am a dominatrix? You better be careful who you are warning/commanding buddy. :)

BEAST said...

UBERMOUTH said...
Did you know I am a dominatrix? You better be careful who you are warning/commanding buddy. :)
You will have your work cut out trying to tame a Beast

Daisy said...

oh beast...you just have to have the right touch for a beast...fine the spot where they like to be...rubbed...

BEAST said...

****blushes****

Pink Drama said...

okay you two, get a room. yeesh!!! i already have nightmares from the salad cream post, don't make me have to have therapy, too.

but i'm like daisy in the sense i carry only my debit card and my drivers license with me in a store. so many places no longer take checks, it's a waste of time to take a pocketbook.

then again, i do know some women who carry cash around in their bras. i don't cause i'd never find it in time to check out.

The Old Tarf said...

Sitting waiting for them to find the right pair of shoes. they tend to try on every pair at least twice. Then go on to the next store to see if any thing better.

Hey it is play off time for the the Stanley Cup some things are just more important than shoes.

MJ said...

Tarf: Shoe shopping is a day-long event for me. I am occasionally accompanied by a gay man but ladies should be advised to never take a straight man shoe shopping.

But I have exact change when I approach the till.

Go Habs.

MJ said...

I shall make an exception to the straight man shoe shopping rule.

Beast, you may accompany me to hold my bags and fetch me cocktails.

BEAST said...

Pinky , bra rummaging at the checkout would be better than a handbag re org....very entertaining.

Old Tarf . I am with you on that one

MJ . When the Beast has to shop , its a quick in and out , I know what I want , and go and buy it.Sorted.....

MJ said...

Rumour has it that it's a quick in and out with you in all departments.

FirstNations said...

*dashes past with a plate of salad, spitting nickels like a fountain*

wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

About Me

My photo
Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO