Monday, 14 April 2008

ANOTHER FINE MESS



I have just spectacularly embarrassed meself.

I love vegetables , so I made myself a big old hash of veg for me dinner , mashed potato , sprouts , leeks , sweet potato , carrot and mushy peas all served with a gravy so thick , you could dance on it. My eyes being bigger than my belly ,an impossibility the mean spirited amongst you may shout.(One word MJ and your banned!) .I made a smidgeon too much.

Having manfully done my best , I had a bit of a dilemma on my hands , I gathered the left overs onto a plate with the intention of doing the decent thing and chilling it for tomorrow. Sadly my inner Paris Hilton stepped up and had a screaming tantrum about being expected to eat manky day old veg AGAIN tomorrow.I weakened , threw economic caution to the wind and chucked the whole sorry mess down the downstairs lav .Well I didn't want the malodorous ghost of dinners past stinking up the kitchen.

At this point the door bell rang , a friend from work popping round for a chat and a coffee .Chat and coffee accomplished they asked to use the loo before they went.

***Bathroom Door closes..... startled scream.... hasty embarrassed exit.****

Which seemed a bit odd, as they hadn't been in there long enough to have done a massive dump , so requiring a quick getaway before the stench invaded the house.

As I was puzzling over this bizarre behaviour , I suddenly realised with horror , that on chucking the horrible morass of vegetables and gravy down the loo(completely splattering the pan in the process) , I had closed the lid , but hadn't flushed .

God alone knows what kind of horrific gastric incident they thought had occurred and I dread to think what hideous rumours will be circulating tomorrow :-(

35 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Next time give it to the foxes. I'm talking about the animals, not the girls who might be bribed into giving you sexual favours for food.

Hammer said...

If I had a dollar for everytime that has happened to me.

MJ said...

Stinky banana-bottomed big-bellied bulky Beast.Roly-poly Beastie and his smelly swollen stomach. Stinky smelly big-bottom butterball blimpy Beastie.

Stinky.

Blimpy.

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Next time give it to the foxes. I'm talking about the animals, not the girls who might be bribed into giving you sexual favours for food.
I dont think a plate of vegetables would cut it Mr B , however hanging around outside your local weight watchers meeting with a bag of donuts , could prove very successful , top tip MR B

BEAST said...

Hammer said...
If I had a dollar for everytime that has happened to me.

Flushing is key Mr H :-(

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Stinky banana-bottomed big-bellied bulky Beast.Roly-poly Beastie and his smelly swollen stomach. Stinky smelly big-bottom butterball blimpy Beastie.

Stinky.

Blimpy.


I see your haiku for begginers is coming on well Miss MJ

FirstNations said...

coulda been worse. it



....actually no, thats pretty bad.


*snoooooork*

BEAST said...

FN:Worse things happen at sea , so they tell me :-)

INNER VOICES said...

thats fucking great man! you played the joke in reverse! thats got to be one of the most fun jokes on the planet to prank people with, (asides from lifting the lid on back portion of the toilet and doing your business in there instead)but when you goto a friends house and leave them something unforgetable in their bathroom to "clean up" is a crack up!!! and vegetable soup is one of the best! fun post man!

MJ said...

stinky big bum

INNER VOICES said...

ooooooo... i think she likes you....

BEAST said...

Voices , I was thinking a good beef curry would probably be a more robust and all together more disgusting offering.

Miss MJ would you like to sniff my shorts ???

Voices . as you can see Miss MJ 's pick up lines may need a bit of work

INNER VOICES said...

yeah, its got to be chunky. the trick of it is to put it in the back of the can. the unsuspecting person closes the lid and does the flush, leaves the bathroom and the next person in thinks it was the person before...


i never grew up...

you should invite me over sometime.

INNER VOICES said...

id be a little leary if she wants a "foot" massage these days...

Beast at work said...

Voices . Thats a good trick , but I shall reserve it for someone elses house , I dont want to be fishing lumps out me own cistern.
Re Miss ~MJ's foot , I think thats just a crafty way to disguise a hidious verruca

MJ said...

*inserts tiny lotus-like foot up Beast's arse*

Beast at work said...

Careful you dont dislodge them bananas.
Its an art instalation ahem......

MJ said...

*feeds another helping of Ma Beastie's chickpea curry to Beast*

There. Now it's a fart installation.

mutleythedog said...

You could casually mention that you found this horrible mess after that person left and blame them for it?

OR...

You could claim you were storing it there to eat later...

OR


You could brick the loo in and claim there was never a lavvy there....

Liz said...

You see, you should have eaten it like I ate all of my fry-up on Monday night. Having to crawl up the stairs to bed afterwards would have been less embarrassing. Assuming your guest didn't stay for the night. Rolling over and squashing her dead in the middle of the night would have been more embarrassing.

BEAST said...

Mr Mutley , thats a great idea get my retaliation in first and start immediate scurilous rumours about this persons toilet habits.

Liz . Would you stay the night after being confronted by a lavatory horror. I physically couldnt force anmore down if I tried . I was stuffed

Liz said...

Philately. Can you hear it roll over my tongue?

Donn said...

Atleast now they know how you keep your boyish figure..
they prolly think that you're vegetarian...
and a purger!

The best of both worlds eh?

BEAST said...

Liz dont be disgiusting

Donn since there was whole brussel sprouts perched on the top , I apparently dont chew iether

MJ said...

Please don't mention the tinned corn niblets.

Fatty bum Beastie.

BEAST said...

Miss MJ , there was no corn invlolved. Look at the listed veg , there is a careful culinary balance of flavours and texture...corn would be totally wrong. You great big canadian philistine.

Donn I just noticed . vegetarian ....VEGETARIAN.never in a million years.Ma Beasty as a matter of cooking convenience quelled any youthfull attention seeking/rebellion vegetarianism by dicussing loudly with Pa Beasty some research she had been reading(and on reflection years later had blatantly made up) that vegetarians developed small man parts. Vegetarian leanings never reared their ugly heads ever again chez Beasty.

Liz said...

What?!!!

Daisy said...

omg...i laughed so hard at this post...beast you just crack me up...i would have left the toilet, come wherever you were and asked what the hell is wrong with your digestive system...let you find out the problem with the loo...and then had another coffee and laughed with you about the whole incident...

MJ said...

I have to go to work.

Can you pack me a lunch?

Not that mess and not the chickpea curry.

What else do you have?

BEAST said...

Good afternoon Daisy , well you are made of stronger stuff than the person involved.

Miss MJ , I have a nice BANANA sandwich for you.

Daisy said...

that's cause i am corn raised from illinois...we are made of stronger stuff and can handle a little loo humour

MJ said...

A banana sandwich?

I demand to see the chef!

Lippy said...

There are no words Beast - which is why I didn't comment before, Please post something new ! This is making me feel ill!

BEAST said...

Miss MJ thats most unlike you , you are normally demanding to see the chef's nekkid arse.

Lippy no sooner said than voila!

Chaucer's Bitch said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

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