Tuesday, 22 April 2008

SALAD CREAM - AN EPICURIOUS ORGASM


OK so here we go for the heathen hoards out there that have not come across gods own salad dressing. Wikipedia extols that altho it is enormously popular in the UK , this culinary masterpiece is unavailable elsewhere in the world.....I am sure it meant to add that as you are all heathen foreigners with nasty habits you don't deserve it....still
It has been a popular salad and sandwich dressing in the UK since the 1800's and was bottled commercially by the sainted Mr Heinz from the early 20Th century.
Famous Chef Marco Pierre White claims it is the greatest culinary invention of the 20th century. While we at Beastbite applaud the sentiment, we also snigger at the ignorant french twerp for getting his dates wrong.
So in the interest of world peace the Beast will now reveal possible THE quintessential Salad Cream recipe from Victorian housewife superstar Eliza Acton.
3 large eggs
good pinch cayenne pepper
150ml fromage frais (or double cream)
4 teaspoon white wine vinegar
salt
1.Boil eggs for exactly 9 minutes . then cool under cold running tap
2.Peel eggs , cut in half and scoop yolks into a bowl.
3. Add 1/4 teaspoon of salt and cayenne pepper and pound to a paste
4.Stir in the fromage frais a bit at a time , mixing it smoothly.
5.Stir in the vinegar and check seasoning.
6.If it looks too thin at this stage don't worry , cover the bowl and put in the fridge for a couple of hours. It will end up the consistency of thickish cream.
Now slurp it on your salad, slap it in your sandwiches or spread it on various body parts , but if you want to be sophisticated and cultured , Like what I am (wipes nose on sleeve)
Make some cucumber sandwiches spreading a god slurp of salad cream on one side of the bread (and cut those damn crusts off , we are NOT entertaining down the docks).Tastefully arrange them on a doily , maybe a few slices of cake on another
Make a nice pot of tea , dress up, sit decorously(no slouching) and nibble your sandwiches(no gobbling) , pinkie raised and politely discuss the weather.
More tea vicar ?

39 comments:

Hammer said...

I must admit I've never heard of salad cream.

We have mayonaise and different bottled dressings like ranch that may fit similar roles.

Your recipe with the boiled egg yolks and the spices reminds me of the deviled eggs we make. The only difference being we put the cream back inside the halved eggs, sprinkle paprika and dill on top and serve them as a hors'derve

Leah said...

All joking aside, that sounds tasty. I looked up "double cream" and found that we don't have the equivalent here in the U.S., but if one is serious about replicating such a recipe, one can concoct a complex potion to fill in. Either that or use creme fraiche. I also just like the name: Salad Cream. I'd read it in books before, but wasn't sure what it was...like blanc mange. Or sultanas. And sometimes my husband asks for a "jam butty." I thought the butty part meant that he wanted butter with his jam.

And hey, is "Brideshead Revisited" really one of your faves? It's one of mine too. Oh, those naughty Flytes.

MJ said...

Leah: Maybe your husband is asking for a jam BOTTY which means he wants to slather jam on your buttocks.

Oh my. Isn't this an exciting cultural exchange?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Interesting recipe. It you don't like the taste, you could rub it over your skin to repel the mosquitos.

Lippy said...

Ah yes beast - salad cream. None of this poncy French mayonaise nonsense! Who'd have olive oil when you can have double cream eh?

Well (blushes ) I really really hate salad cream, it has to be good old Helman's mayonaise for me!

mutleythedog said...

There is a tinned version of the delightful cream available-also a tesco Economy version...

It mixes nicely with cooked fish -like smoked mackerel to make a delicious pate!

On a lighter note - are you still limping after Monday nghts accident with the high heeled boots?

Leah said...

Jam BOTTY! Of course! Why didn't I realize? No wonder he sometimes accuses me of not listening...he must have been seething with disappointment each time I brought him bread and jam...

Liz said...

That sounds like salad cream with another name to me. No, I meant to say mayonaise. Except mayonaise not made with hard boiled eggs and cream. So it's mayonaise with a differenet name and different ingredients.

Excuse me, Eliza Acton had fromage frais? I don't think so. This is another of Ma Beastly's recipes, isn't it? And we all know what her curry is like.

Frobisher said...

Salad cream is great.

Will you be using it a lot when your cooking in the kitchens of Cafe Cuntt?

FirstNations said...

if it's salad cream then why are you putting it on sandwiches? there has to be a law about that someplace. you could be sued for deliberate misuse of a condiment, and you know thats how 90% of teenage pregnancies start.

*runs*

BEAST said...

Hammer . You havn't heard of it , becuase we have been keeping its silky yet tart lovelyness to ourselves :-).
Leah , double cream is just the higher fat content one , you have pouring cream which is thin , whipping cream which is a bit thicker , then double cream , which is still pourable but thick.I think you might call it heavy cream ???. I love Brideshead Revisited , its a top novel.
MJ. ***Beast waves salad cream smeared butt ***

Mr Bananas . How could you not like the taste.......
Lippy I love mayo as well , but I think salad creeam has the edge. Aparently its making a big comeback.

Mr Mutley, why didyou leave your high heeled boots on my stairs....where you trying to kill me ???

Leah....who would be dissapionted by a jam sandwich ???

Liz your right the double cream was old whats her face , the fromage frais apparently gives a better taste. and your right its gravy under another name without the stock , flour and fat :-)

Frobisher .I think Iam already banned , so its probably you doing the cooking.
Miss Nations . Yes its salad cream , but it is so luscious you willbe slapping it on EVERYTHING , including the biker
Its that good :-)))

Donn said...

Isn't that the same as Mayo? The thing about Mayo is that it will turn anything rancid that it comes in contact with in a matter of hours. I don't trust it but I eat it all the time...ooh there's a segue for ya!

MJ said...

Salad cream on your butt?

I'm sure it was meant more for a vegetable salad and not a fruit salad.

Newforestandy said...

Why bother making the recipe when you can just go out and buy a jar of Mr Heinz Salad Cream..... or for our foreign friends, strike a deal with Mr Beast Export Inc. to get a regular supply, that would be a supply of salad cream too!

BEAST said...

Donn . Its nothing like mayo, its pure liquid gold scrumptiousnes.

MJ At last you admit my butt is like a firm peach.

NFA hurrah there you are , I was publishing the recipe for our poor overseas cousins who dont have the luxury of buying Mr Hienz's liquid loveliness

Daisy said...

it really does taste like the stuff on coleslaw...without the cabbage...kind of a miracle whip/mayo/butter thing

kylie said...

well, we have salad cream in australian supermarkets, but i've never seen anyone buy it!

Liz said...

Kylie, it's only bought in this country by people who have milk bottles on the table, and use Mother's Pride sliced white bread.

BEAST said...

Daisy , maybe they made your coleslaw with salad cream instead of mayo :-)


Kylie . Go on break the mold , by the damn stuff , you will never look back.

Liz . Apparently that was the view in the 90's and its sales declined as those trying to upmarket moved to mayo....but its making a big comeback and has some of the top chefs raving about it

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

YUCK

Salad cream... raw eggs, olive oil and vinegar.

If that's your thing...

personally, I would rather chew off my own hand, squirt the bleeding end over my ham & cheese toastie, and munch on that than put salad cream or - worse - mayo - near my mouth.

EUCH!

BEAST said...

Miss Mermaid....... do feel free read the recipe I posted for your culinary delectation.
COOKED EGG yolks

vinegar(well done you got that bit right)

Fromage frais or cream.

I humbly agree it doesn't make such a dramatic 'splash' as garnishing ones sandwiches with fresh arterial blood and a gnawed extremity.However it is tasty AND has the added bonus of not requiring time consuming mutilation when knocking up an impromtu lunch :-)

Pink Drama said...

well there goes my lunch.

*flushes toilet*

UBERMOUTH said...

I prefre blue cheese or atleast ranch. :)

BEAST said...

Pink Drama said...
well there goes my lunch.

*flushes toilet*


Miss Pinky , If your lunch jumps up and throw itself down the toilet...this is a indication that you DIDNT COOK IT FOR LONG ENOUGH.....I should have my own TV chef show , there is obviously people out there who need me :-)

BEAST said...

UBERMOUTH said...
I prefre blue cheese or atleast ranch. :)

Good afternon Miss Uber , from the range of comments above , it is becoming apparent that salad cream is a boy thing

UBERMOUTH said...

Boy cream and manflu. You do your bit to promote men! :)

BEAST said...

UBERMOUTH said...
Boy cream and manflu. You do your bit to promote men! :)

One has to fight ones corner against the rising tide of girlyishness Miss Uber

The Old Tarf said...

It is one of The Uk's food treats to the world. I even heard that yesterday on BBC Radio Solent. So it must be true.

Along with other delicacies. Like Yorkshire Pudding, Black Pudding, Clotted Cream, Worcestershire Sauce,
Mint Sauce just to name a few.

MJ said...

*imagines The Beast coated in clotted cream*

MJ said...

I just removed wv.

Go try it now, ya big baby.

BEAST said...

Old Tarf , there you go , once again the blogging community is ahead of the curve (Except the girls ) .

MJ : Thank the lord for that , your word verification for some reason was a nightmare, it used to blur all the letters together so you couldnt work out what they were. I still cant post to you from work , as its blocked as a porn site (I wonder why ??? )

mutleythedog said...

It is because she registers it as a porn site to get more hits....

MJ said...

Blogger appears to have made word verification more difficult to decipher and makes it impossible to comment when drunk.

Mutley: I didn't register my blog as a porn site and wouldn't do that even if I could so I have no idea how that happened. I can access my blog from work so I suppose it depends on your workplace.

Mr Gaskins Curiosity Emporium said...

phthtth! Yuk.. Salad cream, In my formative years I got sick on that in a sarnie supplied by an elderly relative... Like Snakebite n' black (Lager, Cider & black currant juice), something I can never touch again without gagging and projectile vomiting...

Lost said...

You can buy salad cream in Canada - we've been buying it since I was a kid. Not much you can get over there that we can't get here - well other than Tunnock's tea cakes for some unknown reason.

MJ said...

Lost: Have you tried the Brit specialty shops in Toronto?

Or do you require a passport to go from Oshawa to Toronto?

Tunnocks are available in Vancouver.

Lost said...

MJ I can get all kinds of Tunnocks products just not the tea cakes. There is indeed a Brit specialty shop here but even they don't carry them. No passport necessary for Toronto but a rabies shot is advisable lol

potenta said...

hey there! :)

I'm a 41 year old woman and althow i enjoy having sex with my housband, i'm disapointed for the fact that i've NEVER had an orgasm. I hear that for many women it just comes natural , but sadly it isn't my case.

Althow i know many women have the same problem, and my comment is of no surpise to anyone, i want to do my best and find a solution.

I've been thinking that maybe my housband isn't as tender and loveable as he should, but curiosity has never pushed me so far as to cheat on him with another man. Should i? Could change be a solution?

I've tried all sorts of pills and aphrodisiacs, but nothing so far...

If you have any advise, please reply to this comment. I've just started posting for a couple of days, so i'll be checking in often :)

Thank you!

Potenta

mutleythedog said...

Ignore Potenta - she is just angry with me ...

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