Friday, 4 April 2008

BEASTIES HELPFULL HOUSEHOLD HINTS


Fuck! thought Mavis, I was hoping for an orgasmatron 9000 turbo.

Until now vacuum cleaners have been associated with household drudgery.Many a practical yet confused man has bought one as a present , expecting a rapturous response , culminating in him being flung on the sofa with scant regard for the artfully arranged soft furnishings and strumped till his teeth rattle.
History has proved a 4 month headache and permanent PMT is the likely result.





Partly* this is becuase men harbour furtive fantasies of what bored housewives get up to when they are not there .A coffee morning could so easily explode into a maelstrom of dusters , pledge, pop up bra's and some spirited crevice tool action.
This vitually never (unless you live in Bridport) Happens.
Until now.
As reported on ananova


Ananova:
Vacuum screamer
A US mother-of-three has invented a sex toy that connects to a vacuum cleaner to give an orgasm in just ten seconds.
The gadget, called Vortex Vibrations, works by concentrating the air flow to create a rapid and gentle vibration, reports the Sun.
Inventor Joanne Drysdale claims it can give multiple, back-to-back orgasms lasting up to a minute a time - and it does not even touch the skin.
The 49-year-old former toolmaker was cleaning her carpets when she came up with the idea for Vortex, which sells for £35 through lovehoney.co.uk.
She saw how a piece of rubber that had got caught in the nozzle was gently resonating in the air flow. She also felt a soft stimulation to her fingertips as she tried to remove the rubber.
At the time Joanne, from Utah, had not had sex for 15 years following her divorce.
She said: "In my attempts to alleviate frustration, I began to think what I could do. I noticed how the rubber moved in the top of the vacuum.
"After several hours, I came up with the prototype. The first time I tried it I reached an orgasm within 10 seconds.
"That was when I knew I was on to something that could potentially bring pleasure to all women."


**




*The other part is becuase men are hopefull creatures dragged thru life by rampant genitals retricting the blood supply to their brains........ I should know , I am one.

** Some of you may dispute this - please send pictures

29 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

As an investor in the vacuum screamer, I can confirm it is a miracle of modern technology. I use a prototype to blow the insects out of my armpits. It also works for men looking for a rimming substitute.

lady muck said...

...special price £32.99 on lovehoney...the demonstration clips are hillarious on the web...

on reviewer says its fiddly and that having the right power vacuum is key. I made the mistake of trying it with our VAX and all but gave myself a 'lovebite' on my vulva.....OUCH!!!

i needed something to interst me in the housework!

MJ said...

Nothing sucks like an Electrolux?

Pah!

I can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Donn said...

If the protective rubber seal tears and your reproductive system is sucked inside, you can always retrieve your fallopian tubes and ovaries from the vacuum bag.

Liz said...

Don't know about that but Husband once gave me a hairdressing kit for Christmas - 'So you can all our hair and save money!'

Pink Drama said...

yeah, i'm totally not even going to attempt anything like that. people from utah don't exactly have my vote of confidence. next thing you know, you'd end up as one of 12 women married to the same man.

leave it to the americans to come up with something to give you an orgasm in 10 seconds or less.

FirstNations said...

I, like Pink, am driven to immediately distrust a sex toy developed by a woman living in utah.

thats why Pink and I are buying Dysons. Beast owns a dyson. thats all the incentive we need.

*prys mj off dyson handle*

mutleythedog said...

I have invented a sex toy which is linked to and powered by a chainsaw ... it is not for beginners but actually for really frustrated people . Like me.

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
As an investor in the vacuum screamer, I can confirm it is a miracle of modern technology. I use a prototype to blow the insects out of my armpits. It also works for men looking for a rimming substitute.
A Wise investment indeed Mr B , altho I would suggest thepile sufferer try your second suggestion , it could end in a trip to the emergency room and some rather embarrassing explanations

BEAST said...

lady muck said...
...special price £32.99 on lovehoney...the demonstration clips are hillarious on the web...

on reviewer says its fiddly and that having the right power vacuum is key. I made the mistake of trying it with our VAX and all but gave myself a 'lovebite' on my vulva.....OUCH!!!

i needed something to interst me in the housework!

I am not sure what a vulva is , but it doesnt sound very nice , I will ask Mr Mutley to explain

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Nothing sucks like an Electrolux?

Pah!

I can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

So that explains what happened to my trailer hitch
***Beats MJ off with the dyson***

BEAST said...

Donn said...
If the protective rubber seal tears and your reproductive system is sucked inside, you can always retrieve your fallopian tubes and ovaries from the vacuum bag.
Get with the times Donn , things are bagless nowadays , or nickerless in MJ's case

BEAST said...

Liz said...
Don't know about that but Husband once gave me a hairdressing kit for Christmas - 'So you can all our hair and save money!'

The man is a saint Liz , caring , practical and frugal :-)

BEAST said...

Pink Drama said...
yeah, i'm totally not even going to attempt anything like that. people from utah don't exactly have my vote of confidence. next thing you know, you'd end up as one of 12 women married to the same man.

leave it to the americans to come up with something to give you an orgasm in 10 seconds or less.

well you dont need a man each if you can get a 10 second orgasm of the hoover

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
I, like Pink, am driven to immediately distrust a sex toy developed by a woman living in utah.
The poor woman was desperate

thats why Pink and I are buying Dysons. Beast owns a dyson. thats all the incentive we need.
Aha The evil Dr Dyson has you in his grip , I am his representative on earth

*prys mj off dyson handle*
Anybody got a wetwipe ????

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I have invented a sex toy which is linked to and powered by a chainsaw ... it is not for beginners but actually for really frustrated people . Like me.

Can you trim my tree's while your at it Mr M ????

mutleythedog said...

A vulva is a make of car I think...

BEAST said...

That cant be true Mr M , how could lady Muck give her car a love bite......do you think its

****looks around furtivley****

***whispers***

lady parts ????

Frobisher said...

Henry vacuums rock

end of

Mr Gaskins Curiosity Emporium said...

Beast, to enlighten you a vulva is a Swedish car. A Volvo is part of a ladies front bottom.

BEAST said...

Frobisher......your drunk and deluded.....DYSONS RULE

Mr Gaskins . Thank you for clearing that one up....I am now a little peturbed as Mr C informs me that his volvo's big end has gone???

MJ said...

Which one of you bastards dented my Volvo?

BEAST said...

A good panel beater should sort that out Miss MJ

FirstNations said...

..ok, i've vaccuumed twice now and nothings' happened except for this huge hickey on my swedish car. next time i'm going to a detailer.

Daisy said...

why didn't you tell me of this sooner beast...i would be much less frustrated at the end of the day! geez

Pink Drama said...

are you still playing with mavis' vaccuum cleaner? jeez, stop whacking already. it's gonna fall off.

Beast at work said...

FN - who knew housework could be so difficult and confusing !

Daisy - vacuums and private parts are a recipe for disaster , just look at the damage one can inflict with careless vacuum dusting of ones knick nacks !.

Pinky . I have been otherwise occupied doing nerdy programming stuff . I shall just sit here in the corner vacuuming my anorak

The Old Tarf said...

I still call all Vacuum Cleaners a Hoover.

I Hoovered up my Flex. Sounds nasty.

Actually did that. Got my phone line caught in the Vacuum Cleaner.

Does this Vacuum Screamer work on " Blow " as well or on strictly "Suck"?

Daisy said...

oh beast i use a gentler hand my friend...and make sure to move delicate pieces with care...

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