WHAT I DID AT THE WEEKEND - BY BEAST

I would like to 'big' up my weeknd and pretend I had been doing a spot of Norwegian Fish Whipping or some such wild and exciting thing.

But no. The Beast has been decorating. Never one to suffer these things on my own , I invited Ma an Pa Beasty down for the weekend .I confiscated their car keys on arrival and divied out task lists , with a lecture that the tasks required to be completed in full and to the Beasts high specifications before the car keys would be returned.

After a bit of carping and grumbling , which i quashed by explaining if they were stupid enough to continually fall for this ploy EVERY time, it was really their own fault. Ma Beasty did whistfully complain that she thought we would be going out to dinner....... I scoffed at this suggestion pointing out she would be far too busy for that......honestly these pensioners expect everything on a plate.

Anyways after a hard weekend 'project managing' two work shy senoir citizens the Beast now has a marvellous redecorated bedroom , its painted in a colour called 'Seduction' , hopefully this is of a sign of things to come

****grins evilly***

*** Twirls imaginary moustache****

BOOK OF THE WEEK

Well since MJ has buggered off .Someone has to do it.

Frenzied Nipple tweaking looks fun !

Its been a funny week , every bugger is bad tempered and throwing tantrums.The Beast is an island of calm good humour and says Bollocks to the lot of them :-)

FLOCK OF SEAGULLS

Before we start , we are not talking about the ugliest pop group EVER .But your genuine feathered fiends







I was sitting outside the gym having a pre workout , health filled cappuccino and a fag (that's a cigarette for our American cousins not a fake tanned Muscled Mary usually to be found preening in front of a mirror in ANY gym). Out of nowhere a huge flock of seagulls came , swooping and milling about in the sky , it was a wonderful sight , they really looked like they were enjoying themselves . My enthusiasm dampened somewhat when they swirled directly overhead and it started raining shite .Being a smart ass I was sitting under the roof overhang so remained gloriously un besmirched , but others that were sat out on the picnic benches were completely be splattered and were running about in fruitless guano dodging panic.
Apparently being crapped upon by an incontinent seagull is good luck , therefore I would like to ask those that were deluged with the stuff
DO YOU FEEL LUCKY ???
Ha Ha Ha , I sure felt blessed witnessing it

UNBROKEN SPIRIT

There is a lot of positive stuff sloshing about at the moment.

So it was in buoyant mood the Beast ventured out for a slap up curry.

As we were leaving the restaurant we had to pass a loud libidinous hen party of thirty something trollops.

One of them was blatantly eyeing me up ..

When we got outside I said to my mate Allan , did you see that woman leering at me ??????

He looked speculatively and said 'Hmmmm , are you sure?

'Rubbish' I cried , 'she was totally checking me out , she was virtually drooling !'

At this point Nicola cheerfully enquired

'Are you sure both her eyes were pointing in the same direction???'

CHEEKY BAGGAGE !

SKID ROW

I know Mr C explained painstakingly to me why it was a good idea of mine for him to take my car , while his is in the garage. As I was stomping the 2 miles home in the pouring rain , I seemed to be having a problem remembering suggesting it in the first place and exactly why it was a good idea..... I must be going senile . However as the rain soaked in thru the layers , my mind began to wander , and I was just thinking that you dont see much dog crap around these days , when suddenly I skidded off down the hill on the biggest dog turd you EVER saw. Nearly broke my frigging neck , funny how the powers that run the universe think this sort of coincidence is amusing.

***scraping shoe and retching***






Now another strange thing. I looked in my pictures , and look what I found peeping out at me ,this treasure , titled PIGGY. I have never seen this picture before in my life!! .
Could our very own Piggy have broken into my computer and left it for me ????
The little monkey

OLD DOG , NEW TRICKS

The Beast has been a' pondering.

Comments have been made by a close friend that I never speak much about myself .

I don't know what they mean.

So I asked my mate Lady Muck if she thought this was true and she said enigmatically 'Well you don't give much away!'.

Harumph , so that cleared that up then !

So I pondered on this , and have come to the conclusion everyone is getting confused. If I was meant to emote or ejaculate 'feelings' at the drop of the hat or worse hold a spirited discussion on soft furnishings/fluffy kittens

I WOULD HAVE BEEN BORN A GIRL !.

The Beast is yearning for a simpler life .In times gone past all that would have been expected is to wander about , grunting a bit and trying not to catch your bits on the brambles , wallop anything that took your fancy and drag it back to The Beast Liar(I understand this is now called FOREPLAY) , where you would either stuff it in the oven , or just plain stuff it .

If you bumped into a primordial Jungle Jane or First Nations you could well find yourself on the receiving end of a bit of 'foreplay' (That's called NATURAL SELECTION).

Now I obviously need tips before I venture into the tricky waters of 'sharing' or I will soon be dashed against the rocks of 'inappropriate behaviour' or impaled on the dreaded 'sharing too much ' and sunk without trace.

Consider this a bit of therapy!

NEW YEAR SAME OLD BEAST

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Well here we are the first week of 2008 drawing to a close , and what a strange 'sitting in a waiting room' kind of week its been.

It has that lull before the storm kind of feel about it . I shall be catching up on my blogging over the weekend and bumbling about getting the good ship Beast all shipshape n' Bristol fashion in preperation for the trails , tribulations , thrills and spills ahead.

So tuck in your vest , pull on your anorak and slather on that lip gloss , I think the real 2008 is lurking just around the corner waiting to pounce !