Saturday, 30 June 2007

APPARENT WIND


Gratuitious picture.........guilty m'lud.
The Beast is back .
Stiff upper lip slightly wilting from the twin onslaught of a southern Mediterranean heatwave (feck it was HOT) and continental plumbing (savages!).
Still all in all a good week , the wind was a bit dodgy (weather wind.......not garlic tinged gusts in my surf shorts) . But we managed to get some windsurfing done.
Unfortunatley as the wind failed due to the heat on a few of the days the trainers feel honour bound to give you theory lessons , which was a bugger as in the event of not being able to get out on the water I would rather be floating in the pool , quaffing cocktails and scarfing ice cream and the like.
Now one of these hated theory lessons was about the concept of apparent wind.
This in essence means you can sail faster than the wind that is powering you .
Let me explain
If First Nations and Frobisher are pushing myself and Mr Mutley in a shopping trolley towards Asda/Wallmart at 5 miles an hour.(to buy some power tools for FN and some rubber gloves for Frobisher probably)
Jungle Jane and Mu Tai have other ideas and are pushing back on the trolley at 3 miles an hour (the sight of all that man flesh has obviously driven the two minxes wild and they are trying to get us into the bushes at the back of the car park for heaven knows what purposes) .
Now the result of this unsightly fracas would sensibly be the trolley proceeding at two miles an hour for a bit ( 5 - 3 = 2) towards Asda followed by an unpleasant but strangely arousing bitch fight, until the issue is resolved.
But STOP if the concept of apparent wind is true, the trolley containing Myself and Mr Mutley (who incidentally wont keep his hands to himself) should shoot off at a 45 degree angle( in the direction of Home Base/Depot) at 8 miles an hour (5 + 3 = 8) probably with Mutley screaming like a girl* (OK the theory of apparent wind doesn't say Mutley will scream like a girl ..I added that bit) .
Apparent Wind theory has the usual result of me frothing at the mouth followed by one of my smart ass friends pointing out , usually with the words
' I did physics as part of my degree (well aren't you special !!) , and I can tell you , the theory is correct ! '
BOLLOCKS! ....
So dear bloggers the choice is yours
On the one hand you have a theory that even a five year old child could tell you doesn't make any sense .I dont see how you can go faster than the force that's powering you, especially when it is being opposed by another force.
Or
My admittedly uneducated theory which to its credit has amorous hot blogging totty , shopping , power tools , and a mud wrestling bitch fight finale.
I think the Nobel prize for physics is in the bag , don't you ?????

Friday, 22 June 2007

SURFGOD !

Its that time of year again.
To get off my fat ass and go get me some some sun , sand and sex (well you never know , where theres life there's hope)







So I will be doing this for a week in sunkissed Greece.
See you all when I get back.
Please leave me your holiday wish list .I already have a huge list of Alchohol , fags , aftershave and other luxury items for Mr C - I may manage a packet of ten fags(ciggarettes for our american cousins) and a bottle of Icontinence(the new fragrance by Celvin Klien) , by the time I have finished 'aving it large.



HAve fun you ' all

Sunday, 17 June 2007

HUBBLE BUBBLE TOIL AND TROUBLE


Disasters they say come in three's.
Mr C is currently on number three. What they didnt tell Mr C was that as well as disasters coming in three's they are also accompanied by Mr Beast , Mr Frobisher and the lovely Jackie , we are like the riders of the apocalypse , shakespeares witches , or those old crones that used to sit , knitting next to the guillotine. Dont bother phoning the emergency services , we will be there quicker.
Mr C arrived home on saturday to find his living room looking like an abbatior , blood everywhere , poor Alfie the dog , having nearly severed his tongue chewing something , laying in the middle of the carnage.The greedy little beast Lloyd , not one to pass a free lunch , was merrilly lapping up blood.Frenzied phone calls ensued to find a local emergency vet , and a call to alert the Trio of doom.
Before Mr C had time to put down the phone , Thunderbirds one and two (Myself and Frobisher ) where homing in from opposite ends of Bournemouth.The lovely Jackie was giving her own brand of moral support/medical advise over the phone , 'I have some homeopathic spray' , she kindly offered..........
oh right , just lost an appendage , bleeding to death , spraying great gouts of arterial blood up the walls , but its all ok Jackie will be round in a bit with some hippy spray , a bowl of pot pourri and a CD of whale song........
Myself and Frobisher , arrived almost simutaneously like a crack swat unit and while Mr C and Alfie careened off in search of emergency vetinary aid , we followed the blueprint for a crisis , layed down over centuries of war , empire and the blitz.
Now had we been johny foreigner (a ghastly thought I know) , there would have been wild hysterics,froggish capering, beating of chests , burning of flags and firing kalashnikovs in the street.But no...
We made a nice cup of tea.
Thus fortified Frobisher donned some rather fetching rubber gloves and dabbed away at the spectacular blood stains , and I went and did a little light washing up.(well one likes to be clean and tidy)
Luckily Alfie was all stitched up , and apart from being a bit woozy from the aneasthetic is ok and I think Mr C has recovered from the shock :-)
So as thats disaster number three we can now all relax , unless Mr C is going for the big six

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

BIRMINGHAM OR BUST !!!!



Saggitarians.........BAH.
Yesterday Mr C found the car of his dreams on EBAY.
Being a Saggi , he had to have it NOW.
If he didnt get it NOW there was going to be an almighty tantrum.As the resident down to earth , some would say plodding , Taurus (The personal assistant of the zodiac , like Ugly Betty without the braces ,if you will) , it was obviously my responsibility to sort it out (obvious to Mr C that is....I was not so convinced) .
And I did .
Just about.
By the skin of me teeth.
Culimnating in a 3 hour drive to Birmingham - with a muttering and twitching Mr C.
Not even allowed to stop and have a nice cup of coffee - becuase we had to get the car NOW , no time for frivolities.
We looked over the car , did a test drive , listened to the complete lunatic car dealer ramble on.
Drove 3 hours back ( got lost once , and nearly got side swiped by a monster extra wide truck on the M42).
So now Mr C has his car , and astrological calm has been restored to the universe once again.
I will be over there , in the corner , chewin a bit of grass , thinking about udders and swinging me tail (to keep the flies , saggitarians and virgos off my ass - note to self....a kalasnikov may be more effective)

Friday, 8 June 2007

'TRIMMING THE DOLPHIN'


Believe it or not , This is not a euphemism for some vile sexual practice (but it sounds like it could be like 'choking the chicken' , 'bean flicking' , 'tuppence licking' or 'Bashing the Bishop' ) .
Beastie has been gardening.
One of the tasks on the list was trimming up my topiary dolphin (a impulse buy , on the part of Mr C when he was landscaping my garden) .
Now the Beast's gardening forte is blundering about , mistaking things for weeds and digging them up , hacking , rending and generally doing all the heavy stuff , whereas this needed a bit of finesse , luckily as Ma Beasty was visiting and her being a big virgo , she was dispatched clutching her scissors to do the business.
Man she was out there for hours , snipping away . I have to say it looks perfect , and even passed muster when given the old fish eye by Mr C (which nothing I ever do does).
I cant take any pictures of the real thing as since i got a new pc and went windows vista , my camera and phone camera software no longer work......so both are bloody useless, unless anyone knows how to get the darn things working.
So its time for Beasties weekly hate list
1.Windows Vista
Heap of crap
2. Virgo's , sagitarians and ariens
(we will deal with them on a seperate post - why oh why cant they be nice and stable like Taureans)

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

CLEANING FRENZY


PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU DOZY TART.WE GOT CLEANING TO DO!!!


THIS is more like it , I must be feeling better as Its a BEAST CLEANING FRENZY , I am stripped down , Dyson'd up and hot to trot.

The Beast's Lair has been stripped , scrubbed ,hoovered, polished , bleached , scrubbed and polished again.

Tomorrow the garden gets it !

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO