Sunday, 17 June 2007

HUBBLE BUBBLE TOIL AND TROUBLE


Disasters they say come in three's.
Mr C is currently on number three. What they didnt tell Mr C was that as well as disasters coming in three's they are also accompanied by Mr Beast , Mr Frobisher and the lovely Jackie , we are like the riders of the apocalypse , shakespeares witches , or those old crones that used to sit , knitting next to the guillotine. Dont bother phoning the emergency services , we will be there quicker.
Mr C arrived home on saturday to find his living room looking like an abbatior , blood everywhere , poor Alfie the dog , having nearly severed his tongue chewing something , laying in the middle of the carnage.The greedy little beast Lloyd , not one to pass a free lunch , was merrilly lapping up blood.Frenzied phone calls ensued to find a local emergency vet , and a call to alert the Trio of doom.
Before Mr C had time to put down the phone , Thunderbirds one and two (Myself and Frobisher ) where homing in from opposite ends of Bournemouth.The lovely Jackie was giving her own brand of moral support/medical advise over the phone , 'I have some homeopathic spray' , she kindly offered..........
oh right , just lost an appendage , bleeding to death , spraying great gouts of arterial blood up the walls , but its all ok Jackie will be round in a bit with some hippy spray , a bowl of pot pourri and a CD of whale song........
Myself and Frobisher , arrived almost simutaneously like a crack swat unit and while Mr C and Alfie careened off in search of emergency vetinary aid , we followed the blueprint for a crisis , layed down over centuries of war , empire and the blitz.
Now had we been johny foreigner (a ghastly thought I know) , there would have been wild hysterics,froggish capering, beating of chests , burning of flags and firing kalashnikovs in the street.But no...
We made a nice cup of tea.
Thus fortified Frobisher donned some rather fetching rubber gloves and dabbed away at the spectacular blood stains , and I went and did a little light washing up.(well one likes to be clean and tidy)
Luckily Alfie was all stitched up , and apart from being a bit woozy from the aneasthetic is ok and I think Mr C has recovered from the shock :-)
So as thats disaster number three we can now all relax , unless Mr C is going for the big six

26 comments:

NATEMARE said...

First I'm Yay!

Didn't you know? Homeopathic Spray has many curing properties... cuts, scraps, mental illness, and engine troubles...

*poor little Alfie, sniff...*

Anonymous said...

pooor fucking alfie .. the little shits ruined my sofa and carpet.. he was lucky he was half dead when i found him or i would of killed him myself little fuka.. im getting rid of him next week.. its time for a puppy...

cunt

Hammer said...

If you only had a healing crystal and some incense...

Frobisher said...

Will the Homeopathic Spray get rid of Keith for me?????

jungle jane said...

I notice that none of you formed a circle, held hands and chanted a healing mantra for Alfie?

I guess Mr C must have been out of Band Aids? Fancy spending all that money on the vet when a nice staple gun and a couple of band aids would have done the trick...

BEAST said...

NATEMARE said...
First I'm Yay!

Your so childishNatemare

Didn't you know? Homeopathic Spray has many curing properties... cuts, scraps, mental illness, and engine troubles...

*poor little Alfie, sniff...*


Well i dont believe you as it has'nt cured the lovely Jackie of the last two :-)

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
pooor fucking alfie .. the little shits ruined my sofa and carpet.. he was lucky he was half dead when i found him or i would of killed him myself little fuka.. im getting rid of him next week.. its time for a puppy...

cunt


First Dibbs on Alfies skin if you do Mr C , i can picture a nice rug in front of my woodburner

BEAST said...

Hammer said...
If you only had a healing crystal and some incense...

If we are in the realms of 'if only' Mr Hammer , I will plump for 3 million quid , a ginger toupe and a 12 inch knob.Bugger the healing crystals :-)

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
Will the Homeopathic Spray get rid of Keith for me?????

It will if you beat him with it Mr Frobisher

BEAST said...

jungle jane said...
I notice that none of you formed a circle, held hands and chanted a healing mantra for Alfie?

I guess Mr C must have been out of Band Aids? Fancy spending all that money on the vet when a nice staple gun and a couple of band aids would have done the trick...


I think it was all a cunning plan with Mr C and Alfie to get me to do the washing up , I bet Mr C and Alfie where down the pub getting hammered while supposedly at the vets......hence the state of Alfie whenthey got back.....those dogs cant hold their drink !!

mutleythedog said...

Strange things dogs - Mutley managed to pierce a fishing hook right through his tongue - now that is pretty stupid isn't it? Required anathesia and surgery to remove - not the stupidest things hes done now I think about it...

Jenny! said...

Poor pooch! What has he done to the dog that would cause him to try to off himself???

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
Strange things dogs - Mutley managed to pierce a fishing hook right through his tongue - now that is pretty stupid isn't it? Required anathesia and surgery to remove - not the stupidest things hes done now I think about it...

well Mr Mutley , i suppose you only had a brain the size of a satsuma , and 90 percent of that was taken up working your nose , you could be forgiven for being a bit thick

BEAST said...

Jenny! said...
Poor pooch! What has he done to the dog that would cause him to try to off himself???

Jenny , Alfie is treated like a prince , its just pure attention seeking , trying to get one up on the evil lloyd . I ear no responsibility in this , I am just their uncle

Mental Mac said...

I wonder what CSI would have made of it all?

Dogs belong in kennels in the garden. How do you nominate for canine Darwin awards?

mutleythedog said...

he can find a used condom in a haystack -which proves invaluable some times hee hee!

First Nations said...

maybe he was injured fighting off a terrible burglar or a fiendish cutthroat buttpirate. you don't know.
poor woofie!

BEAST said...

MM , you are getting dogs confused with sex slaves , they enjoy being kept in a kennel in the garden(so Mr Mutley and Jungle Jane tell me)

Mr Mutley , if I am ever looking for a used condom in haystack I will bare that in mind.

FN your probably right the wilds of dorset are teaming with , butt pirates , highwaymen and other assorted ragamuffins I always ensure I have my old trusty blunderbus to hand if I have to drive out there

Tickersoid said...

What a very amusing read.

Did Alfie go to the vets in the new car?

BEAST said...

Ticks , I imagine he was , I at that point was making Frobisher a hot sweet cup of tea , to fend off an attack of the vapours

DirtyBitchSociety said...

I was thinking, this would be a grear series. I'll pitch it to my Hollywood friends. Will you star in it? Or if not, who will play you? These are, of course, important questions, ya know?

BEAST said...

DBS....Good morning , due to other commitments I could not possibly play myself, Vin Diesel would be the closest match :-)

jungle jane said...

Its easy to find a condom in a haystack. it's usually on top of Mutley's needle...

Mental Mac said...

So does your dog have one of those big cones around its neck?

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Vin Diesel, oh yes, that's a must. He's hot. Of course...a perfect portrayal. Good morn, ol chap. Is it morning there per chance, no it's morning here and after noon there, right?

mutleythedog said...

I have been sniffing Jungle Janes leg...

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