MAKING A BEAST OF YOURSELF WITH VEG

Getting shot of that winter excess weight is a pain in the ass.
Until I tried Slimming Worlds food optimising....... Its great , good food , easy to prepare and in Beastial gut busting portions.





True you will be veggy part of the time , and you do iether have to join a club or buy a couple of their books to do it succesfully , but 8 days in and 8 pounds off so far , and I hav'nt eaten so much in ages .I have been taking some fruit in to work with me for the last week , not so much to snack on , but to make obscene displays to frighten/disgust my work colleagues.....

If your bored have a look at this www.ebaumsworld.com/fartboard.html it kept me and my work chum Eric sniggering like a couple of schoolboys all thru a very dull conference call.

I did my fave saturday morning thing today , I went into town nice and early , did all me bits , then brought a copy of The Sun(tabliod heaven) , sat in the camera obscura Cafe in the central square and read Dear Dierdre's Problem page........ good heavens the things people get up to... my favourite bit has always been Dierdre's photo casebook , where she depicts a common problem scenario using cheesey photo shots. The thing I love about it is if lesbianism is about to rear its head(which it does OFTEN) the two women involved are pictured having some banal conversation (using conversation bubbles) , but they are always dressed only in their bra and skimpy knickers.........you dont have to be einstein to guess whats coming in the next days instalment !!!

BEAST - KING OF THE BLOGGERS

OK its self proclaimed.

Beast king of the bloggers .....321 comments on one post.

HURRAH

Read it and weep.

OK if you want to be picky 310 of them where a 'tired and emotional' * MR C revenge spam attack.

I will now be concentrating on eliminating hunger , working with children / cute fluffy animals and world peace.

*twelve pints of beer , 3 rum and cokes , half a bottle of brandy and three glasses of that green sticky crap that Beast brought back from Greece worth of tired and emotional

JUST CHILLING

Just Chilling , or trying to!!!

Mr C decided to go on a trip so I had two days of dog sitting , which is ok as the dogs lived here for a couple of years so its no big change for them , they tend to be nervy as their dad is away , but on the whole it could have been worse , we had no huge great steaming protest dumps , or general bad behaviour.Sleeping is the worst thing , the dogs expect to sleep on my bed with me , or they get very arsy , so two nights of trying to sleep under an over heated pile of farting , grumbling dogflesh and I was knackered .

Natemare the occasional blogger and all round loud american , has just gone thru a split up and impending divorce , has moved to an apartment just round the corner.I awoke to a plaintive text on thursday morning saying can you ring me when you get up......I have locked myself IN my apartment.

After a bit of phoning and joking at Natemares expense , I blearely tottered round the corner , to see a little face peering out of the cat flap at the bottom of the front door (which made me howl with laughter) , keys were proffered through the flap and the deadbolt unlocked with no problem from the outside(it would not unlock from the inside , once engaged)........ I did enquire as to why Natemare had additionally locked the deadbolt when he was actually in the apartment , he's living in Southbourne not The Bronx.

He did get a bit narked when he finally staggered into the office and they were all winding him up , 'I suppose you told EVERYBODY' he accused , I did point out , that I hadn't told absolutley everybody as I didn't know the woman who sits about 200 yards away by the coffee machine....... this didnt seem much comfort to him.

Had a visit from Mr C on Friday evening , who did the usual , stomps in , makes bad tempered snappy replies to any attempt an conversation , and then proceeds to take over the laptop and talk to anyone else to hand on the internet , while eating everything in the fridge and qauffing my coffee............. well needless to say on this occasion it very nearly ended in tears and a PC inserted where the sun dont shine , one thing I hate in life is bad manners...and the Beast is about to get more proactive in discouraging them.......harumph .

In furtherance of this , I agree with Mutley ...... Hitch mate you over stepped the mark , now apologise to Frobi or Fuck Off and nurse your bigotry elswhere.

I have included a boolian algebriac formula for Mr C.

A = I want to chat with Beastie

B = I want to chat with Frobi

C=I have laundry requirements

D= I am hungry/caffiene depleted

E = I wish to chat to Mr X , Y , Z etc on internet

F = I wish to take Beastie out for a slap up meal and loads of drinks

If A + B + C + D go to Chez Beastie then Chez Frobie or vice versa

If Not A but B + C +D go to Chez Frobie

If Not A or B but C got to Window Twankies Launderama

If D got to Tesco

if C + D got to tesco then the Widows or vice versa

If E = stay at home , log on and chat to hearts content

If F = hell just foze over , the four riders of the apocolypse are askin for directions to chez beasty and a flyin pig just dumped on beasties car

Good for the soul ...or so they say

This is possibly going to be a very difficult thing to write , and I apologise is advance if it rambles , lacks structure or doesnt make sense.Get ready here it comes.
Periodically I suffer from depression .
Now by depression I dont mean I feel down in the dumps , miserable whatever , I just become dis attached . A very good doctor I found , explained it in simple terms that the receptors that recieve all the mood altering stuff that swills around in your brain , temporarily stop working.This is all the good stuff that perks you up when something worthy of attention is happening around you , and smooths you down when the time is right.
So basically you go flat , unresponsive , insulated .It feels like your not really there.

Why do I find this difficult to write about ??? frankly , doesnt matter what anyone says , A little nagging voice says ' attention seeking' (actually the little nagging voice is supurflous to requirement Mr C will say it anyways - lol). It also smacks of giving yourself victim status , which I am not , I have a good and demanding job , own my house and car , have no debt and lots of good friends(including you lot) , so bollocks to that!

The good thing is once you realise your there ,its fairly easy to turn it around , chill out and float for a while , eat well , sleep lots and excercise(I have only resorted to the anti depresants once when things got really out of hand) . I luckily have me little old ma , lurking, giving me the old fish eye , she is a past master at spotting this coming on , the nature of the beast is you dont see it yourself , she claims she can tell from the tone of my voice on the phone over a period of weeks , the way she always tells me is youve 'Belly flopped' go sort it out......he he a woman of few words when it comes to essentials.

I apologise in advance if my posting and commenting is sporadic for a few weeks , as when a manic upswing hits , the house will be cleaned from top to bottom (strangly I find this helps , I dont know why , it makes me feel more in control , and less stressed when the downswing hits) , and I will post and comment like a demon.
I know a few of you out there get this sort of thing , I would be interested to know what makes you feel good when you start the fight back and what really winds you up.

My biggest bug bear with this is it cruelly shows up your more self interested friends , who take enormous offence that you are temporarily not there to fulfill their every need. That can be really harsh , especially if you have spent a lot of time and effort doing stuff for them when its been required , its not like you expecting them to do anything , but throwing a hissy tantrum(and they will) is a bit rich.Anyone doing this this time round will get very short shift , so if you meet anyone with a shocked expression , smouldering hair and the arse ripped out of their pants - you will know why.

Well there you go , it wasn't that difficult to write and I only feel marginally exposed by my me, me, me post , but this is about taking control , metaphorically dragging my embarrassing little flaw into the cold light of day , pointing at it and laughing .
HA HA HA
**** returns to basket weaving*****

SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE

There has been some wild excitement chez Beasty. Early morning phone calls alerting the Beast to run......run like the wind , and buy a certain Sunday paper , open the accompanying magazine and read the article on page 35 !!!!!!!!.

So in a frenzy of anticipation I hot footed it round to Mr Patels little corner shop of horrors , and feverishly thumbed thro the magazine (Well I wasnt gonna buy it till I found out what all the excitement was about) , and found the aforementioned article .It was about swinging couples (now call polymatronomy or some such bollox) .I got to about page three and nearly swallowed my tongue with shock . I must have let out a loud startled 'woof' of suprise as Mr Patel almost dropped the jars of out of date pasta sauce he was trying to hide on the shelves.

I used to work with the chap we shall call George , he was small , very fat , really obnoxious and suffused with oodles of misplaced arrogance , after about 5 years he suddenly popped up with this girlfiend (much to everyones suprise) .

We were all agog to meet her , and were presented with basically George in a dress , she was a sausage stuffer (I kid you not) by trade , small , fat , obnoxious , loud , misplaced arrogance and a hideous over sexualised dress sense into the bargain .We shall call her Julie.

Individually they were shocking enough, as a couple , well.............

At their wedding a friend remarked it was all rather sweet that they found each other and in doing so they at least didnt spoil two families.....Harsh but I have to say fair.

So imagine my surprise when emblazoned , centre spread in the polyswingerswhatevers , were George and Julie , complete with quotes along the lines of

'George was perfectly happy with Julie's string of female lovers but found he had difficulties with the men etc etc'.

Its always a little suprising to find out in graphic details whats been going on behind associates closed doors , but what I found truly shocking is not what they were doing......BUT THAT THEY MANAGED TO FIND ANYONE TO DO IT WITH !!!!!!!

*** the picture above is not George and Julie but just gives you a general idea , in person they are much more shocking *****

BETTER OUT THAN IN

I was driving back from Mr C's last sunday , down a lovely tree shaded country lane , when something lurking in amongst the branches let loose the most enormous sloppy turd , straight on my windscreen.
The wipers spread it all over the screen ,( like chocolate fudge) and I got a lovely waft of it thru the air con.
It took a good mile for the pouring rain to wash it off!!!! with me gagging all the way.

God alone knows what did it , but it must of been pretty damn big , or eaten way too much .

I smelt like overcooked brussel sprouts with nutty high notes.

Its good to share

IS IT JUST ME

Stealing horribly from the lovely Mu Tai....

Is it just me , or is American 'almost a comedy' Ugly Betty utter rubbish.
And why do I like watching it.
Buggered if I know.

Apart from that it keeps raining on me , every time I poke my head out of the door , the heavens open.....I am one soggy Beast.

Add to that the terrible wind (note to self ....stop eating beans).I have been trying to sort out my garden for about three weeks , but the constant deluge and howling winds have held me back....when I have finished I will take pictures including my pride and joy.....a single great big stonking olive on my olive tree obviously.
yippee I hear you say
I bet you cant wait.

HEAVEN KNOWS I AM MISERABLE NOW

Great News there is a new Star Treck movie in pre production

I cant wait.Altho the previous eleven have been somewhat patchy I still love em

the story revolves around Kirk and Spocks early lives







Lets hope it is not produced by Frobishers favourite

film company as the results may look like this.





On another front its almost time for that yearly Crap fest the Eurovision song contest.I am gutted that Morrisey formerly of the Smiths will not be submitting an entry.The man that can produce lyrics like....Didnt have a job....Got a Job...heaven Knows I am miserable now , would have soon wiped the smile of the happy clappy Euro lovers.
For our world wide audience , just thank your lucky stars you dont have to sit thru this horror of European 'togetherness'.
As is well known european 'pop' music is terrible , as the great P J O'rourke put it , the French entry always sounds like Edith Piaf being chased round the palm lounge by someone wealding a weed wacker(strimmer) , and its all down hill from there....it goes on for hours....the voting is all political , and yet it has become a tradition . It has given rise to some talents eg Abba (if you like that sort of thing) and some real horrors ...ie Celine Dione(a pox on the woman).
Compete to sing the British entry are ex east 17 singer Brian Harvey(Frobisher will be licking the TV screen during his performance) , and that irritating knob with the screechy voice from The Darkness.
May the worst man win!!!! nothing can be as bad as Page Three 'Stunna' Jordan effort - or can it????