Saturday, 28 June 2008

SALACIOUS SATURDAY

As Miss Mj is lazing about in a bikini , sipping cocktails and waxing her ass , The Beast is fully aware that infomaniac regulars will be missing their weekly filthy Friday fix of wrinkly old flesh.So the Beast has done the honours.
Thanks to those submitting pictures. Old Knudsen in party spirit and Anonymous Boxer airing her mirkin .



















A worn out Miss MJ certainly needs a break .





















Wee Piggy shows us his helmet much to Frobishers suprise

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED........

Yes ok ANOTHER garden post , Itsnot my fault Miss Nations made me do it , I can just hear Miss MJ chewing on her gusset in frustration. But this is a gardening post with a difference
1..I am rubbish at gardening
2.I can't work my camera phone
3.I am rubbish at photography composition etc

I realise I ran out in a flap , snapped 12 pictures , lost 8 of them an ended up with theses 4 that give you no idea whatso ever of the overall look of the garden.

Now its got dark so I can't remedy the situation.
I dont know any of the plant names except the bamboo's and roses.
Just look at the crap pictures and comment as you will :-)











































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See , the garden needs a bit more work and the pictures are rubbish.
So to complete the post title.
LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS :-)))

Monday, 23 June 2008

TOPLESS TORMENT


The Beast has been thinking about getting a new car. Now ask anyone and they will go all misty eyed and say why don't you get a nice little open topped sports car.
The Beast says feck that for a game of soldiers , stupid bloody things to my mind .

Firstly if you get caught in a bit of motorway madness on the M25 , they will be scraping whats left of you from the axle of the lorry you where shunted under.


Secondly should you manage to reach your destination with you bits intact , you usually end up looking like this, and will spend the next week picking squashed bees and discarded fag ends out of your hair.Or scrabbling around on the hard shoulder somewhere trying to retrieve your toupee that was whipped off in the back draft(now you know why Frobisher always wears a headscarf :-) )

That's all supposing you haven't got stuck in a traffic jam and choked on the car fumes that are pumping directly into your face from the surrounding lorries and managed to dodge the empty beer cans that the drunks on the minibus have been lobbing at you.

Ma and Pa Beasty were very big on open top sports cars for a while but soon lived to regret it , firstly they got caught in a cloudburst on a packed solid 8 lane motorway round Paris, they couldn't get across the lanes to the hard shoulder for about 10 miles to get the top up , by which time the car had filled up with water , every time they braked hard it set off a tsunami style wave which shot out the front of the car ensuring everyone on the motorway saw what was happening. The eventually got to the hard shoulder , and drained what they could of the water out, (by opening the doors) , but had to drive for another 3 hours ankle deep in water until they could get to the house and drill holes in the floor to drain the rest.
On another trip to France we were driving thru the forest at night with the top down , as we rounded a bend a huge frog or toad was jumping up and down in the headlights. Pa Beasty manged to swerve over it without clipping it with the front wheels , unfortunately as it was still hopping it stuck on the hot tailpipes and we had to drive the rest of the way home in a foul miasma of BBQ'd frog.
The Beast also frowns upon sunroofs , we were once again driving round Paris during the farmers blockades , the traffic was creeping along about 5 miles an hour for miles and miles.The Fiendish french , where urinating in plastic carrier bags and dropping them off the motorway bridges into any German car with the sunroof open , thus proving to the Beast ,that old animosities die hard , that you cant trust the French and sunroofs are best left closed.

Whatever I get I will be definitely swanning about in hard topped air conditioned comfort, thank you very much !

Saturday, 21 June 2008

BLOGGERS BLOCK

Beast has had another busy week.

Cafe C opened on monday .

Worked as MR C's kitchen bitch on thursday night for a private party.
That all went well , Mr C is a natural head chef , and I only got shouted at twice (for blundering about) .

Had a shoulder adjustment - you may have heard the screaming from wherever you are.Fuck me it was painful

So to summarize a week of running about 16hours a day , a little pain and suffering thrown in for good measure , and I kept forgetting to eat (Apart from the pasty and chips on Tuesday night)

Consequently I am knackered , after a day of dossing about I hopefully will post properly tomorrow

Friday, 13 June 2008

BEASTIES BOOK CLUB HOLIDAY SPECIAL


With the summer holidays looming , I have been trawling the publishing world to bring you a reading list that will make you THE most talked about of the poolside sunbathers.


First up is a fascinating tale of tats n spoons.
Real booker prize winner stuff if I am any judge.












My second choice has been number 1 in the Canadian bestsellers list for 59 weeks. Those crazy Canadians really know their cheese.Miss MJ ensures me it has all the elements of a rattling good yarn , adventure , romance , sizzling sex and lots of cheese.
















Number 3 .
Giddy up girls !!
Torrid tales of equestrian high jinks.You can almost smell the leather , hear the clink of the brasses and feel the bite of those spurs.
So settle back , saddle up that latest mount , get the bit between you teeth and lean into those stirrups
Pony Club was never this exciting











Number 4 is a thrilling peek into the world of tea bag folding.
No more expensive holiday activities , save money and save the planet at the same time.Amaze you family and fast dwindling circle of friends with hours of wholesome teabag related fun.











This meaty tome needs no introduction from the Beast. The title says it all.
Another 'riveting' (in more ways than one) read.

Saturday, 7 June 2008

FINGERS TO THE BONE

The Beast has been very much in demand the last few weeks.
Is it because of my pleasant personality , fantastic good looks and sparkling wit , I hear you ask ??
Errr no
Its because I will work live a slave for a sandwich and a cup of coffee.
As you are gagging to know what I was up to today , and because I have a good understanding how the average Beastbites reader's mind works.
I have made it all very simple

1. Decorating MR C's Back passage


This is what your thinking

There is no point in denying it , we know you so well





Reality is much less interesting








2.Trimming Mrs Gaskins Bush


You just cant help yourselves can you !
Stop sniggering at the back!






Once again a simple explanation.
I hope you feel thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.
You all have very dirty minds






3.Miss First Nations secret garden fetish .


Miss Nations may have made scathing remarks about the toilet planter.
However


Beatbites reveals the awful truth.

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

BEAST AND THE BEDROOM OF DOOM





The Beast is back , and what a weekend its been !.



As we know it was finally , completion on Cafe C .





Friday started so well , early optimistic start with Mr C , we trundled off to Dorchester for Mr C to check inventory and sign contracts and pick up keys and stuff.



Sadly the current owners had flogged off half the inventory and left the kitchens and accommodation in an absolute disgusting state.



To cut a long story short Mr C had a justified major tantrum .I don't think the hapless fools knew what hit them . The one thing that stood out in the dreadful verbal mauling was Mr C's wild protestations that he had just packed up and moved from his house leaving it spotless.


Beast had to make a conscious effort at this point , not to run screaming from the building before the Thunderbolt of Truth struck leaving nothing but a smoldering crater .



What a fibber......anyways , eventually exchange and completion was achieved , after replacement of disputed inventory and the current owners limped off , sobbing gently ,with the seats ripped out of their pants .



Then began a weekend of hard labour , deep kitchen and apartment clean , furniture move etc etc . Frobisher and Family C , were all roped in to join the merry throng.


Beasts final task was to go and clear out the vacated Mincer Cottage , which has purportedly been left spotless .....pah.... three hours of furious cleaning later a broken Beast tackled the final room


THE BEDROOM OF DOOM


Now it looked like someone had emptied the bins in there , there was a morass of paper and general detritus all over the floor , So I swept it all into a big pile and bagged it ready for the refuse collectors.


How wrong I was , imagine how foolish I felt when it transpired that this was a fiendishly complex organic filing system and I inadvertently binned some 'VERY IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS' that were precision placed in amongst the half eaten pork pies , beer cans, odd socks , old underpants and dismembered newspapers.


Following a terrible lecture and Mr C 's torchlit scrabbling in refuse bags a chasened Beast departed clutching his asthmatically wheezing dyson , fleeing across the moonlit Dorset countryside pursued by damning text messages like the veritable bats out of hell.

On the plus side Mincer Cottage wasn't just clean......IT WAS FECKING BEAST CLEAN , BABY!

About Me

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO