Monday, 23 June 2008
The Beast has been thinking about getting a new car. Now ask anyone and they will go all misty eyed and say why don't you get a nice little open topped sports car.
The Beast says feck that for a game of soldiers , stupid bloody things to my mind .
Firstly if you get caught in a bit of motorway madness on the M25 , they will be scraping whats left of you from the axle of the lorry you where shunted under.
Secondly should you manage to reach your destination with you bits intact , you usually end up looking like this, and will spend the next week picking squashed bees and discarded fag ends out of your hair.Or scrabbling around on the hard shoulder somewhere trying to retrieve your toupee that was whipped off in the back draft(now you know why Frobisher always wears a headscarf :-) )
That's all supposing you haven't got stuck in a traffic jam and choked on the car fumes that are pumping directly into your face from the surrounding lorries and managed to dodge the empty beer cans that the drunks on the minibus have been lobbing at you.
Ma and Pa Beasty were very big on open top sports cars for a while but soon lived to regret it , firstly they got caught in a cloudburst on a packed solid 8 lane motorway round Paris, they couldn't get across the lanes to the hard shoulder for about 10 miles to get the top up , by which time the car had filled up with water , every time they braked hard it set off a tsunami style wave which shot out the front of the car ensuring everyone on the motorway saw what was happening. The eventually got to the hard shoulder , and drained what they could of the water out, (by opening the doors) , but had to drive for another 3 hours ankle deep in water until they could get to the house and drill holes in the floor to drain the rest.
On another trip to France we were driving thru the forest at night with the top down , as we rounded a bend a huge frog or toad was jumping up and down in the headlights. Pa Beasty manged to swerve over it without clipping it with the front wheels , unfortunately as it was still hopping it stuck on the hot tailpipes and we had to drive the rest of the way home in a foul miasma of BBQ'd frog.
The Beast also frowns upon sunroofs , we were once again driving round Paris during the farmers blockades , the traffic was creeping along about 5 miles an hour for miles and miles.The Fiendish french , where urinating in plastic carrier bags and dropping them off the motorway bridges into any German car with the sunroof open , thus proving to the Beast ,that old animosities die hard , that you cant trust the French and sunroofs are best left closed.
Whatever I get I will be definitely swanning about in hard topped air conditioned comfort, thank you very much !
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