Monday, 23 June 2008

TOPLESS TORMENT


The Beast has been thinking about getting a new car. Now ask anyone and they will go all misty eyed and say why don't you get a nice little open topped sports car.
The Beast says feck that for a game of soldiers , stupid bloody things to my mind .

Firstly if you get caught in a bit of motorway madness on the M25 , they will be scraping whats left of you from the axle of the lorry you where shunted under.


Secondly should you manage to reach your destination with you bits intact , you usually end up looking like this, and will spend the next week picking squashed bees and discarded fag ends out of your hair.Or scrabbling around on the hard shoulder somewhere trying to retrieve your toupee that was whipped off in the back draft(now you know why Frobisher always wears a headscarf :-) )

That's all supposing you haven't got stuck in a traffic jam and choked on the car fumes that are pumping directly into your face from the surrounding lorries and managed to dodge the empty beer cans that the drunks on the minibus have been lobbing at you.

Ma and Pa Beasty were very big on open top sports cars for a while but soon lived to regret it , firstly they got caught in a cloudburst on a packed solid 8 lane motorway round Paris, they couldn't get across the lanes to the hard shoulder for about 10 miles to get the top up , by which time the car had filled up with water , every time they braked hard it set off a tsunami style wave which shot out the front of the car ensuring everyone on the motorway saw what was happening. The eventually got to the hard shoulder , and drained what they could of the water out, (by opening the doors) , but had to drive for another 3 hours ankle deep in water until they could get to the house and drill holes in the floor to drain the rest.
On another trip to France we were driving thru the forest at night with the top down , as we rounded a bend a huge frog or toad was jumping up and down in the headlights. Pa Beasty manged to swerve over it without clipping it with the front wheels , unfortunately as it was still hopping it stuck on the hot tailpipes and we had to drive the rest of the way home in a foul miasma of BBQ'd frog.
The Beast also frowns upon sunroofs , we were once again driving round Paris during the farmers blockades , the traffic was creeping along about 5 miles an hour for miles and miles.The Fiendish french , where urinating in plastic carrier bags and dropping them off the motorway bridges into any German car with the sunroof open , thus proving to the Beast ,that old animosities die hard , that you cant trust the French and sunroofs are best left closed.

Whatever I get I will be definitely swanning about in hard topped air conditioned comfort, thank you very much !

14 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

What about a motorbike and side-car? Wearing a helmet protects you from the rain and the loud noise scares off the animals.

Letty Cruz said...

See! Muse to your rescue!

& sun roofs make for the freaky sun burn areas over here...making mental note never to drive a rag top or sun roofed car with US plates in Mexico (old grudges die hard there, too).

FirstNations said...

hey, my buick park avenue is a sweet ride. solid, excellent gas mileage and all the comforts of a/c and electric everything. goes down the road pretty good, too.

of course i will be forsaking its comfort the INSTANT my el camino comes online!

Daisy said...

what about a moon roof...they are lovely...drove a tbird with one and omg i fell in love...with the car...not the passenger :)

MJ said...

Why can't you just take public transit like the rest of us?

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
What about a motorbike and side-car? Wearing a helmet protects you from the rain and the loud noise scares off the animals.
Sounds dreadful Mr B , you are even more exposed to the traffic and elements

BEAST said...

Letty Cruz said...
See! Muse to your rescue!

& sun roofs make for the freaky sun burn areas over here...making mental note never to drive a rag top or sun roofed car with US plates in Mexico (old grudges die hard there, too).

Letty . Yes the muse suddenly struck , The mexicans can be as bad as the foul French

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
hey, my buick park avenue is a sweet ride. solid, excellent gas mileage and all the comforts of a/c and electric everything. goes down the road pretty good, too.

of course i will be forsaking its comfort the INSTANT my el camino comes online!

Now thats a name to conjour with , Buick Park Avenue , sounds kinda quaint . The El Camino sounds more your styleeee , are you going to pimp it ???

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
what about a moon roof...they are lovely...drove a tbird with one and omg i fell in love...with the car...not the passenger :)


Mooning from the roof is dangerous Daisy , but I applaud your party spirit

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Why can't you just take public transit like the rest of us?

surely you jest Miss MJ . The Beast on a bus
HA HA HA HA HA
Besides there is the small matter of the injunctions and stuff

Hammer said...

That sounds like pure hell.

The piss bag idea is funny though.

Lippy said...

Me and the TB are seriously considering a convertable "mid life crisis" car - maybe a nice BMW roadster on an Audi TT, or if the budget stetches that amazing Volvo that is a convertable that has a hard top, which you put up electronically when it rains - it's fabulous, looks like a boat with wheels!

The Old Tarf said...

Get a motorized skateboard and you would never be stuck for a parking space. You could do a half pike up the turnpike.

BEAST said...

Mr Hammer . Sounds like agood day out with the kids :-).

Lippy , I am not convinced about volvo's , they are so big and cumbersome , would be like driving around in my shed.

Tarf , can you get stabilisers on them ??? I think I may need them.

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