Monday, 18 January 2010

REVELATIONS


I got up on Friday morning and felt flipping dreadful , so I went back to bed and slept most of the day and the next night , and recovered just in time for my Saturday shift at Cafe C .....Phew I here you say dear reader , that was lucky! . I arrived nice and early , so I could make a delicious fresh soup and get all my kitchen prep done , only to find myself locked out in the pouring rain for an hour as Mr C claims to have left the door open for me but some unamed person then locked it. I retired to Starbucks and dripped on their leather upholstelry while quaffing a reviving cup of foam until the waittress arrived to let me in .
 Anyway enough of my blethering and on to more pressing medical and pscycological disorders that are currently plagueing Cafe C.






After being lambasted for some minor chicken related incident ,I had cause to raise the issue of Mr C's random mood swings , a cherubic little bundle of joy one minute , a snarling  , yelling whirlwind the next.
To my suprise Dr C had already self diagnosed  , and claimed emphatically to be suffering from BiPolariod Disorder











I am not medically qualified myself but I imagine this is a variant of bipolar disorder (Patron Saint Kerry Kantona) with the added horror of hanging heamorriods(the smarting of which could explain the sudden bursts of temper.


Myself , I had taken a wild stab in the dark and decided upon demonic possesion If all else failed I was going to try beating Mr C with a bible while shouting the Lords
prayer .
This was obviously  the least prefered option during restaurant service.




So thats Mr C sorted , now on to James . It had not gone unoticed that since James got an Iphone , he was often to be found skulking in corners , looking very shifty , fiddling with his internet connection .We jumped to the obvious conclusion that the man was becoming a drooling porn hound , and set about stealing his phone for confirmation at the earliest oppertunity . Imagine our horror to find it was a lot worse than we first thought. Avert your eyes readers of a delicate constitution or nursing mothers....




Oh yes we have outed James as an internet PLANE SPOTTER . His internet links were chocca block with pictures of Jumbo Jets , wings akimbo , undercarraige down or thrusting into the air in a most libidinous manner  , plus numerous links to cancelled flight information sites. I think he wanted to be discovered and its an obvious cry for help.




Which brings us to Frobisher . In he staggers on Saturday , totters about like he had accidently filled his trousers and eventually admitted to a bad back and staggered off home . I would imagine the rest of Frobi's weekend went something like this :-)








PS. You will have to excuse any misspellings but the sodding spellchecker has vapourised from my tools bar :-(

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

you ave missed my pattern disorder, and over exsposure with my bipolaroid disorder!!! you hav no idea what me and kerry have to go threw :-)

BEAST said...

Missed the pattern disorder......I saw the new shirt :-)) an as for over exposure both me and Kat saw you in your pants

mutleythedog said...

I am worried about your hemorrhoids Mr B, I assume it is because of the never ending dampness of the kitchens and the sweats bought on by working through the novovirus. For this reason I wondered if you might like to apply some creosote - I am told it works wonders against dampness and sweating... by the way the curate has been released on bail. Calamity awaits!

MJ said...

Avert your eyes readers of a delicate constitution or nursing mothers....

This post made me lactate.

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I am worried about your hemorrhoids Mr B, I assume it is because of the never ending dampness of the kitchens and the sweats bought on by working through the novovirus. For this reason I wondered if you might like to apply some creosote - I am told it works wonders against dampness and sweating... by the way the curate has been released on bail. Calamity awaits
I find a nice glass of creosote before bed works wonders Mr M , altho the mahogany brown teeth take a bit of getting used to . Luckily the curate doesnt bear a grudge against me , as I may have implied its all Gile's fault

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Avert your eyes readers of a delicate constitution or nursing mothers....

This post made me lactate.

Awww do you have the urge to clutch Mr C and Frobisher to your matronly bosom

Princess said...

I can only imagine the horror of poor Mr Frobisher's night spent strapped to MJ's lactating rack.

BEAST said...

Princess said...
I can only imagine the horror of poor Mr Frobisher's night spent strapped to MJ's lactating rack.

Princess , Frobisher is the type that would consider that a good night out

Inexplicable DeVice said...

"hanging haemorrhoids, the smarting of which could explain the sudden bursts of temper.*"
Or perhaps it was the bursting of the aforementioned 'roids which caused the temper?


* I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of correcting your spelling in that sentence, seeing as your spell checker is currently... Non-corporeal.

BEAST said...

Inexplicable DeVice said...
"hanging haemorrhoids, the smarting of which could explain the sudden bursts of temper.*"
Or perhaps it was the bursting of the aforementioned 'roids which caused the temper?


* I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of correcting your spelling in that sentence, seeing as your spell checker is currently... Non-corporeal.

Correct away Mr IVD , I would rather noot start my day thinking about bursting roids , it all sounds very unpleasant...I am sorry I mentioned them now :-(

Scarlet Blue said...

I was thrown by the thought of MJ's 'lactating rack'....
However, where are you Mr Beastie? You have completely ignored my current fascinating post... are you studying your new Piss Book?
Sx

MJ said...

It isn't possible that the Pee Book is in his grubby hands yet, Miss Scarlet.

Apparently it was Geezer Day at the Post Office last Friday (I didn't get the memo)and I was lined up behind half a dozen old men with packages.

No, not THAT kind of packages.

Anyway, by the time I was served, I was fretting over being late for an appointment so when the postie offered me two different rates I chose the cheaper one without thinking it through.

The cheap one takes 4 weeks for delivery whereas if I had opted for the speedier service, I would only have paid a dollar more yet the Pee Book would have reached England in less than a week.

MJ said...

*squirts Miss Scarlet in the eye*

Scarlet Blue said...

British Post Office Queue

Sx

MJ said...

Ha!@Miss Scarlet's link

海綿寶寶 said...

Good blog~nice to meet u..................................................................

BEAST said...

Miss Scarlet and Miss MJ , once you have finished squirting breast milk all over the show and pulling each others hair could you do a bit of tidying up please , I have left the dyson out.
Welcome 海綿寶寶(Translation Sponge Baby) , thank you for visiting and your kind words , I must apologise for the regulars , it is not concidered bad form to spray breast milk around in the colonies or darkest Devon , just count yourself lucky Miss Scarlets panty hose is dry

FirstNations said...

being 'bi polaroid' means that you have lots of pictures to show to your 'bi curious' friends.


yes, I'll be here all week. try the salmon. *whaps scarlet and mj with unfeasably large boob*

MJ said...

*sues Ms. Nations for whiplash*

Scarlet Blue said...

*takes pics of unfeasably large boob and tries to sell them on ebay*
Sx

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
being 'bi polaroid' means that you have lots of pictures to show to your 'bi curious' friends.
Sounds suspiciously like Filthy Fridays


yes, I'll be here all week. try the salmon. *whaps scarlet and mj with unfeasably large boob*
Yep its def filthy Friday

BEAST said...

MJ said...
*sues Ms. Nations for whiplash*

Miss Whiplash will be along shortly

BEAST said...

Scarlet Blue said...
*takes pics of unfeasably large boob and tries to sell them on ebay*

We have the beginnings of a business Miss Scarlet , are these the much talked about green shoots of a recovering economy , is it cheaper if you buy a pair ???

MJ said...

What do you suppose Ms. Nations and her giant breasts are doing in Oregon?

Do you think her breasts require their own passport?

inkspot said...

Does "went back to bed" mean you missed your usual Saturday morning multiple gymtasm?

eroswings said...

Perhaps James is plotting his escape from the madness. I know if I saw those hemorrhoids at work, I'd be booking a flight asap!

The Old Tarf said...

Well Beast. You should come over here the fresh air would do you some good.

To cure your Hemorrhoids . You must stop listening to Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire".

BEAST said...

MJ said...
What do you suppose Ms. Nations and her giant breasts are doing in Oregon?
I always imagined Miss Nations Giant Breasts where a seperate entity , so while Miss Nations is enjoying herself in Oregon , they may be relaxing at home or vacationing on the Cote D'Azur

Do you think her breasts require their own passport?
I would imagin so , but it begs the question ....where are my postcards and presents???

BEAST said...

inkspot said...
Does "went back to bed" mean you missed your usual Saturday morning multiple gymtasm?
Alas Inky the 'Saturday special' has been stopped due to Cafe C commitments :-(

BEAST said...

eroswings said...
Perhaps James is plotting his escape from the madness. I know if I saw those hemorrhoids at work, I'd be booking a flight asap!
The Fight or Flight response is perfectly natural Mr E

BEAST said...

The Old Tarf said...
Well Beast. You should come over here the fresh air would do you some good.
I cant be doing with fresh air Mr Tarf , I am held together with a toxic miasma of burning chip fat and nicotine

To cure your Hemorrhoids . You must stop listening to Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire".
Flick black grape at old Tarf

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BEAST said...

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