Wednesday, 28 October 2009

BEWARE THE ONE EYED SAUSAGE






its still very warm here at the moment , it wont be long till we get that autumnal chill in the evening air .Its very evocative of childhood winter evenings snuggled up with Ma and Pa Beasty in front of a roaring log fire , toasting crumpets on a long ornate toasting fork , the gusting winds booming in the chimney , roaring in the trees and rattling the windows .It was evenings like this that Pa Beasty used to tell us stories , On particularly stormy nights it would be ghost stories , but normally it was stories about Pa Beasties own creation and our childhood hero Sausageops .In the very first story , Sausageops(A one eyed sausage) was discovered by three children(Me and my two brothers) on a Greek Island , and was first encountered escaping from cyclops and from then on lived in the forest that surrounds Pa Beasties French house and got up to all sorts of malarkey with the three boys and a cast of other characters.Sausageops was a selfish , gluttonous rather stupid little beast . every Sausageops story followed a similar course . Sausageops would be forced into an undesirable course of action by his greed and stupidity against the sage advice of the children , usually upsetting the Prince schmoozing plans of the dimwitted and vain princess and her unpleasant aunt (The witch) in the process . Sausageops always at some point falls into or drinks water by mistake .Being stuffed with breadcrumbs he will then swell up and explode.The children at this point usually have to find a genie or a wizard to magic the little blighter back together and deliver some strategic punishment before peace and goodwill are restored to all parties (Except the witch , who was traditionally left gnashing her hatred and vowing revenge on the little devil). Pa Beasty wrote all our favourite stories down and illustrated them .I to this day have a bound copy of the stories , a second edition was made changing the children's names for both sets of grandchildren .

Incidentally a good few years ago while the whole family was holidaying in France , my brother though it would be very funny to wait till the kids were out with Ma and Pa Beastie , open the shutters in the kids bedroom and prop a ladder up against the window , spill some water and breadcrumbs on the bedroom floor and hang a burst balloon skin from the beam above their beds.As the children were about 4 and 6 at the time and utterly convinced that sausageops was real and lived nearby the house , went absolutely hysterical on finding the evidence of his untimely demise without a wizard or genie in sight…….. I remember it took some finessing to get out of that one without causing childhood trauma.

Pa Beasty has since had a book of cartoons published (I think under the nom de plume of spyder look him up on Amazon) and was asked by the publisher if he had anything for the children's Christmas market .When he showed them The Adventures of Sausageops , the editor almost had an embolism at the thought of a 'one eyed sausage' character that befriended children and a whole host of politically incorrect characters. A bemused Pa Beasty could not understand why…….

how we laughed at my exasperated little brothers attempts to explain the possible connotations of a 'one eyed sausage' in this child molestation obsessed age , twas a memorable family dinner indeed


Always wear your best knickers if there is a chance of meeting a one eyed sausage

Monday, 26 October 2009

KNACKERED KNEE


I woke up Sunday morning having had a marvellous nights sleep (with an extra hour as the clocks went back) .Sprang nekkid from beneath my delicately fragranced duvet , to greet the dawn and promptly fell flat on my face, in gut wrenching agony as my frigging knee is banjaxed AGAIN.
Altho Saturday night was Rubber Duck Cabaret Nite at Cafe C , I spent a fairly sedate evening in the kitchen , cooking and washing up , I didn't get drunk , I didn't indulge in frenzied dancing on tables and general carousing with Mr C and James , I closed down the kitchen , cleaned up and sneaked off home about half past 11 and had myself a reasonably early night . I have no idea what I did to my knee.
I spent Sunday hobbling about at home , making wincing noises like Sir Elt on his wedding night (Just thought I would infect you minds with that image so you can share in my pain.....there was probably also pillow biting!!!) and have spent the day hobbling around at work , being driven mad by stupid people asking
" Are you limping????"
I always reply
"NO!" as I blatantly drag my useless leg behind me on route for the coffee machine.
Every single one of them , looked slightly confused , and said said "Oh!" .
I often wonder how some of these people make it through the day

Friday, 23 October 2009

MOIST GINGER PUSSY!


I bet you read the title , grabbed a wad of tissues , loosened you underwear and came scampering over here ready for a few moments of self administered 'stress relief'
Dont deny it .
I know you filthy devils so well.
Well now your here , adjust your clothing , wash your hands , stand up straight and as penance for your base behaviour The Beast is expecting a haiku stylee pome on the pleasure of self denial and a blameless existence.

Monday, 19 October 2009

BELLS AND SMELLS



It came to pass that the Beast went to church .
Some would say this happened because God moves in mysterious ways
other more cynical devils would say it was because Mr C lied and told me I was going to a party
What a jolly time we had , there was singing , clapping , some of it was even in time
***Glares at Mr C who is incapable of singing and clapping in sync***
Frobisher made very unchristian remarks to the effect that I was not singing along at all
I was miming , if its good enough for Britney its good enough for Jesus
I replied that as I am tone perfect Mr F could not single me out amongst the angelic throng


Some of the congregation were doing the one hand to heaven thing as detailed by Miss First Nations(we theorised that it improves heavenly reception like a TV Ariel) , there were Amens and hallelujahs a plenty , Dancing lesbians , transvestites singing baritone ,earnest readings and heartfelt testaments.
The very Reverend Ganja visiting from Nigeria was wheeled out to do communion and tempt us to drink from the furry cup with a choice of full fat or gluten free communion wafers , Mr C embarrassed us by guffawing aloud at this point.When he symbolically broke the wafers and held them aloft Mr C guffawed again as it looked alarmingly like 70's classic Pacman.
If things couldn't get anymore unworldly , Mr C was then presented with a services to the Religious Community of Dorchester Award...I nearly swallowed my tongue with the shock and Mr Frobisher had to perform an emergency Heimlich maneuver before calm was restored.
As we all piled into my car for the journey home . Mr C , his whole system obviously marinaded in celestial cleansing energy (or maybe it was the massive roast dinner ) , broke a healing wind of such a satanic vileness , we had to drive for half an hour with all the windows open , James and the girls choking in th back , but I am sure he felt closer to god as a result.......I know I did!

Thursday, 15 October 2009

REPELLING BORDERS

Mr C had Flu and made a huge fuss , even by man flu standards.
Beast was getting 10 minute telephone updates as to his latest symptoms and ludicrous staffing situation (They were dropping like flies with real and imagined ailments....one waitress was off for two weeks with what turned out to be an imaginary appendectomy)


The Beast however has manfully resisted the germ infested hordes and remained stoically healthy. Unfortunately, there lies my downfall , I could have done with a few days in bed , dossing about eating donuts. I am a fool to myself !.
What imaginary illnesses have you bunch of slackers used as excuses in the past ???

Thursday, 8 October 2009

A HEARTWARMING TALE OF DIVERSITY


In todays news :

A gay man tried to poison his lesbian neighbours by putting slug pellets into their curry after he was accused of kidnapping their three-legged cat.


Are their sexual preferences and physical shortcomings relevant to the story ? . Discuss .........


Personally after my diversity indoctrination training at work , I find the whole thing totally astounding .Surely only White imperialist hetrosexuals are capabable of any sort of nastiness , particularly if they are meat eating men.

How could a fluffy poof living next to a nest of tuppence lickers and their physically challenged cat be anything other than a haven of peace and love, common sense tells me that had there been a hostels for Peado's , drug addicts and assylum seekers been built in the near vicinity , it all would have been very different......... :-))

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

HOUNDS OF HELL


Beast is a little worried about his four legged house guests.
I am not so worried about the demonic glowing eyes as they are very useful on our nighttime walks.
Its the 'breath of Satan' eminating from Little Lloyds bottom that I object to
***Genuflects and sprays Holy Febreze Water ***
Please note MJ's favourite fireside rug , she has been BEGGING me to sell it to her , but some things money can just not buy :-)

Friday, 2 October 2009

TRAINS , PLANES AND AUTOMOBILES


The Beast will be somewhat occupied for the next few days as Mr C has skipped the country for a bit of sun , leaving Beast holding the baby (well 2 dogs and 2 kitchen shifts to be exact).

Its all been a bit of a blur this week .

Firstly Mr C managed to lose his chef (ran away in the midle of a shift as debtors had tracked him down)

The washup - too dozy to find his way into work without the chef .


My car blew up the day before I was supposed to be picking up the dogs and driving Mr C to the airport (Had to hire another one).


But happily the cafe kitchens will be manned by a combination of Myself , Frobisher and a pair of trannies(skidding about on 9 inch stiletto's , wigs eskew , makeup running in the heat......and thats only Frobisher) and somehow , god willing, Dorchester's finest eatery will survive the week with its reputation intact.

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO