The Beast dropped in for a cuppa at the house of some friends that will remain nameless. On entering the kitchen and cheerily demanding a cup of steaming succour (and be quick about it) , was met with a 'bit of an atmosphere' . It soon became apparent the lady of the house had found a hidden packet of biscuits at the back of a cupboard . A flagrant and sneaky flouting of the matriarchal house rules of healthy eating.
I gathered she who must be obeyed would be hiding the offending comestibles , and doling them out as and when they were war anted , and it was made abundantly clear that the packet would not be empty for a long , long time.The master of the house was hiding in his shed , gnashing his teeth in impotent biscuit free frustration.I enquired of the matriarch what the problem with having a packet of biscuits caused , she ejaculated vehemently 'He will eat them'.
Typical , puritan female logic , I thought , what harm the occasional miniscule biscuit , to salve the aching soul , surely that's the point of a biscuit.
The Beast , as we all know is a champion of libertarianism in all its forms was aghast at this authoritarian regime , launched into a spirited speech on freedom of the individual to choose his or her own dietary needs , managing to weave in the bill of rights , the proposed European constitution ,Martin Luther King and Gandhi . I wrapped the whole speech up with words of wisdom 'that life was too short to be denied biscuits ' and further that the biscuits' destiny to be eaten and enjoyed' was being denied and my crowning glory, that if you didn't give a person the responsibility to act sensibly , then they would never have the chance to prove themselves.
It was a magnificent speech , and the Lady of the house looking suitably cowed handed over the goodies.
I bore my spoils to the shed to free my fellow man from the yoke of biscuit denial.
I was expecting humbled praise, the chastened nibbling of a modest singular biscuit and a noble choice of an ongoing life of spiritual biscuit related responsibility.Thus engendering a new age in male female understanding and tolerance.
The gentleman crowed with delight , leapt on the packet , like Micheal Jackson would an occupied sleeping bag at a boy scout sleep over , and GREEDILY DEVOURED THE WHOLE FECKING PACKET.
The Beast beat a hasty retreat , to be confronted by the lady of the house , who ha rumped mightily and hissed icily
He ate the lot didn't he .
Followed by a lengthy diatribe best summed up as' typical feckless bloody men'.
The Beast scarpered pretty damn quick , mid harangue , feeling marriage guidance probably would not be a wise choice of career.
**as is the vogue these days The Beast would like to point out that the scenes above have been 'enhanced' for entertainment purposes
***Except Mr G eating THE WHOLE PACKET :-)