Tuesday, 18 March 2008

OIL ON TROUBLED WATER


The Beast dropped in for a cuppa at the house of some friends that will remain nameless. On entering the kitchen and cheerily demanding a cup of steaming succour (and be quick about it) , was met with a 'bit of an atmosphere' . It soon became apparent the lady of the house had found a hidden packet of biscuits at the back of a cupboard . A flagrant and sneaky flouting of the matriarchal house rules of healthy eating.
I gathered she who must be obeyed would be hiding the offending comestibles , and doling them out as and when they were war anted , and it was made abundantly clear that the packet would not be empty for a long , long time.The master of the house was hiding in his shed , gnashing his teeth in impotent biscuit free frustration.I enquired of the matriarch what the problem with having a packet of biscuits caused , she ejaculated vehemently 'He will eat them'.
Typical , puritan female logic , I thought , what harm the occasional miniscule biscuit , to salve the aching soul , surely that's the point of a biscuit.
The Beast , as we all know is a champion of libertarianism in all its forms was aghast at this authoritarian regime , launched into a spirited speech on freedom of the individual to choose his or her own dietary needs , managing to weave in the bill of rights , the proposed European constitution ,Martin Luther King and Gandhi . I wrapped the whole speech up with words of wisdom 'that life was too short to be denied biscuits ' and further that the biscuits' destiny to be eaten and enjoyed' was being denied and my crowning glory, that if you didn't give a person the responsibility to act sensibly , then they would never have the chance to prove themselves.
It was a magnificent speech , and the Lady of the house looking suitably cowed handed over the goodies.
I bore my spoils to the shed to free my fellow man from the yoke of biscuit denial.
I was expecting humbled praise, the chastened nibbling of a modest singular biscuit and a noble choice of an ongoing life of spiritual biscuit related responsibility.Thus engendering a new age in male female understanding and tolerance.
The gentleman crowed with delight , leapt on the packet , like Micheal Jackson would an occupied sleeping bag at a boy scout sleep over , and GREEDILY DEVOURED THE WHOLE FECKING PACKET.
The Beast beat a hasty retreat , to be confronted by the lady of the house , who ha rumped mightily and hissed icily
He ate the lot didn't he .
Followed by a lengthy diatribe best summed up as' typical feckless bloody men'.
The Beast scarpered pretty damn quick , mid harangue , feeling marriage guidance probably would not be a wise choice of career.
**as is the vogue these days The Beast would like to point out that the scenes above have been 'enhanced' for entertainment purposes
***Except Mr G eating THE WHOLE PACKET :-)

32 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

The good thing is you didn't eat any yourself. You have to be strong and set an example, Beast. Some humans are destined to be above biscuits.

BEAST said...

I have a confession Mr B ,Overcome by the moment of male bonding, I was weakened and did partake of a biscuit or two.

mutleythedog said...

Well maybe the best thing is to give him a few hundred packets and see what happens then.. it will either be a terrible sort of aversion therapy or he will find his natural limits. By the way I am like this with pork products...

Liz said...

A man after my own heart

FirstNations said...

a terrifying and bestial picture indeed: two desparate men hidden by a flurry of crumbs and spittle as they claw at their high-cal snackfood in an outbuilding!

you live close to the edge, beast.

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
Well maybe the best thing is to give him a few hundred packets and see what happens then.. it will either be a terrible sort of aversion therapy or he will find his natural limits. By the way I am like this with pork products...
I dont thik I would want to witness the biscuit frenzy of a few hundered packets Mr M. Who could fault your love of the majestic pork scratching, I have heard it whispered , it is the snack of the gods

BEAST said...

Liz said...
A man after my own heart

Do you also have a biscuit abuse problem Liz . Maybe you two could form a self help group BA .
My Name is Liz and i am a biscuitaholic

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
a terrifying and bestial picture indeed: two desparate men hidden by a flurry of crumbs and spittle as they claw at their high-cal snackfood in an outbuilding!

you live close to the edge, beast.


I dont like to shy away from the dark underbelly of life in suburban Britain Miss FN. Next I shall infiltrate and expose the Evil Womens Institute and their vile mystery shrouded activities with cakes and jam ****shudders***

Daisy said...

i found what worked for me is to find that my husband loves coconut on anything...i buy him coconut ones and he leave my choccies alone...seemed to work anyway...

MJ said...

I blame you Brits for my HobNob addiction.

Donn said...

First of all, on behalf of all dishrag doormats, thank you for showing us how to stand up for yourself...even if you raised the bar a little too high for most of us, one needs to keep their dreams alive. (sigh)

You need to purchase 2 boxes of biscies and leave one package out in plain view for the great unwashed and keep your private stock safely concealed from marauding mouths.

This confrontational unpleasantness could have all been avoided had you led the heart pounding duplicitous existance of the common closet smoker... provided you didn't get caught with a few dead-give-away crumbs on your clothes.

btw; If I had your problems I'd burn mine HA!

FirstNations said...

mj: the only reason you're addicted to HobNobs is because it has the word 'Nob' in the name and the Pavlovian response is, in your case, irresistable. No, don't start.

*quickly hides packet of 'Fruit by the Foot' beneath desk*

MJ said...

FN: You're the one humping a corn dog for gawd's sake.

Tickersoid said...

Were they Hobnobs or perhaps caramel and chocolate digestives?...mmmmmmyummmmm.

Beast at work said...

Daisy said...
i found what worked for me is to find that my husband loves coconut on anything...i buy him coconut ones and he leave my choccies alone...seemed to work anyway...
I dont think it was a sharing issue , it was a not sticking to the healthy eating regime that was being enforced :-)

Beast at work said...

MJ said...
I blame you Brits for my HobNob addiction.

I knew you would be a hobnob kind of girl MJ

Beast at work said...

Donn said...
First of all, on behalf of all dishrag doormats, thank you for showing us how to stand up for yourself...even if you raised the bar a little too high for most of us, one needs to keep their dreams alive. (sigh)

You need to purchase 2 boxes of biscies and leave one package out in plain view for the great unwashed and keep your private stock safely concealed from marauding mouths.

This confrontational unpleasantness could have all been avoided had you led the heart pounding duplicitous existance of the common closet smoker... provided you didn't get caught with a few dead-give-away crumbs on your clothes.

btw; If I had your problems I'd burn mine HA!

This is probably why I am single ......The Beast hates being told what to do

Beast at work said...

FirstNations said...
mj: the only reason you're addicted to HobNobs is because it has the word 'Nob' in the name and the Pavlovian response is, in your case, irresistable. No, don't start.
My thoughts exactly Miss FN

*quickly hides packet of 'Fruit by the Foot' beneath desk*
FRUIT BY THE FOOT .....sounds nasty

Beast at work said...

MJ said...
FN: You're the one humping a corn dog for gawd's sake.

Oh gawd , she's started

Beast at work said...

Tickersoid said...
Were they Hobnobs or perhaps caramel and chocolate digestives?...mmmmmmyummmmm.
they were the magnificent Hobnob Mr Ticks . I bought a packet of Tesco value digestives to share with the dogs.....the dogs love em , but jayzus they were like chewing bits of cardboard

mutleythedog said...

May I just sat that you all have magnificent boobs - really magnificent...

Beast at work said...

You silver tongued devil Mr M

Pink Drama said...

wait - when you say biscuits, do you mean cookies or something else? cause to me, biscuits are fluffy things made for breakfast and typically are paired with a pork product.

BEAST said...

Pinky , a biscuit over here is similar to a cookie , but they come in all bizaar shapes and forms from the simple digestive to the majestic chocolate hobnob and all flavours and textures in between.Nothing like your breakfast biscuits

Lucy said...

Great post, great blog. Enjoyed browsing your blog.
^.^ hehe

Mu Tai Dong said...

You need maybe FORTUNE COOKIES -made with papers and glue to make not for eating experience? ALSO - by the time! Prawns crackers are from prawns and taste like ladies vaginas! I feeling so horney today - maybe to send me nude pics of girls for bloggings!!

BEAST said...

Lucy - its the your an idiot AGAIN ! How amusing

Miss Mu . Its not a very good advert for your take away restaurant is it...try our prawn crackers....they taste like ladies vaginas..... altho it has a certain something I must admit. I have sent you some nude shots of myself posing provocativley with the dyson.....You did say you liked a bit of nekkid rug sucking didnt you ???

MJ said...

I too have that shot of you posing nude with the Dyson and I'm saving it for a future posting.

Just so you know.

Pink Drama said...

beast - why is it so many people have pictures of you nekkid?

BEAST said...

MJ said...
I too have that shot of you posing nude with the Dyson and I'm saving it for a future posting.

Just so you know.

Pah , I dont believe a word of it

BEAST said...

Pink Drama said...
beast - why is it so many people have pictures of you nekkid?
My popularity is a curse Pinky

mutleythedog said...

I have to warn you that Mu was in HMP for stalking not for asylum things -

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