BEAST'S DIARY

Dear Dairy , another week gone by and what a week it has been .
Thursday :
Arrive at Cafe C for evening shift clutching 2 enormous flower arrangements
Expects hero's welcome
Get sacked for breathing and stuff......its a fair cop!
Trudges off home
Eats cake

Friday :
Get mysteriously re instated(by email).
Put cake away(reluctantly)
Cancel exotic dancers and take away pizza
Prepare for work


Saturday :
Cafe C bright and early for the BBC Radio Solent launch
Wall to wall loud obnoxious media types
Mien Host Mr C dashing around 'networking' , James true to his cabin crew roots, gliding about with a tray of foaming cappuccino's and steaming croissants , deftly pointing out emergency exits and emergency procedures in the event of Mr C having some sort of 'being awake before 11.30' incident .
Open for lunch as normal and getting ready for Cabaret Nite .

19.oo Caberet Nite hosted by Wilma Fingadoo .
Mr C scoured the variety circuit , searching for an act that fit perfectly with the raison d'etre of Cafe C
Miss Fingadoo describes herself as
" A total whore from Hounslow Heath , loves a packet of silk cut and a vodka and coke....
A cartwheeling drunk drag queen , vile , quick witted and so far past the PC line I
I cant even see it "
Sympatico ! Miss Fingadoo could almost be quoting from the Cafe C , staff hand book mission statement. the gig was hers , and marvellous she was too!





The shy and retiring Miss Fingadoo













Sunday :
The event we were all dreading .A surprise birthday party for 50 - 60 people with luxury buffet.
We started the day with James having a nervous breakdown trying to prepare the restaurant.
Beast having an attack of the vapours in the kitchen preparing the buffet
Mr C farting , belching and scratching under his duvet upstairs and refusing point blank to get up.

Frobisher , preferring to stand aloof from the common kitchen drudges , was pottering in Frobishers Country Kitchen(in quilted nylon house coat and curlers no doubt) producing what he boastfully assured me would be the crowning glory of the buffet.
In the event Frobisher swept into the building with minutes to spare , proudly clutching a very decent red pepper humus


and a truly despicable brown rice salad
<---- it looked like this
I am all for a bit of culinary experimentation , but we all know that Dr Frankensteins 'messing about in the kitchen' ended in the locals getting a bit over excited with pitchforks and burning torches




Altho It certainly made an impact on the buffet , the Rice Salad had to be banished to the boot of Frobishers car before a riot ensued.
It goes without saying that my classic tomato salad with oregano , potato salad with chives , and cucumber salad with yoghurt and mint were run away successes(don't believe Bitter Frobisher if he says any different).







All in all , we hosted a stonking weekend of events that was thoroughly enjoyed by the guests.
Its fantastic working with a team that can really pull it all together(James , Frobi , and the restaurant and kitchen bitches). Its relentless punishing work , particularly for Mr C ,who creates the vision and then has to conjure it into a reality , day after day, and despite all the stress related bickering and fireworks.....the show must go on sweethearts !
And I bloody love it(Mostly) :-)

RADIO GA GA

As previously mentioned Jazz Singer Julie Dunn (Look her up on the interwebs you lazy bastids!) casually mentioned before majestically sweeping to the stage , that Mr C had the look of Freddy Mercury about him......in a strange and tortured twist of fate , one of queens greatest hits was Radio Ga Ga and bizarrely enough
****twilight zone music bubbles under***
BBC something (What am I Magnus fecking Magnuson...you expect me to know EXACT details) will be broadcasting live from Dorchester's Premier eatery , Cafe C , on Saturday Morning .....

LIVE FROM CAFE C.........

HOW COOL IS THAT !!???!!!




No doubt a certain starstruck Bournemouth based Blogger , who shall remain nameless FROBISHER will try and pull some attention seeking stunt in his desperate quest for fame and celebrity.
Did he learn nothing from the Paris Hilton's British Best Friend debacle

BUSY

Cafe C is very busy and Beast is working his socks off in the kitchens

Supervised by Mr C

(Last nights Jazz Singer thought Mr C had the look of Freddy Mercury about him !?!!!)

Should have gone to specsavers sweetheart !)

Occasionally assisted by Frobisher

(All that lace was very handy for drying glasses)

THE GRAPES OF WRATH

Picture the scene :
Our harrassed hero The Beast wrestling with a dou of moules and frites , three jacket potato with bries bacon and grapes , goats cheese and med veg and cheese ham and mushrooms , 2 wraps with chicken cheese and bacon , 1 enthusiastic kitchen assistant and a strutting and bumbling trainee chef....
Into the melee rushes an enraged Mr C with all the grace and finesse of a rotweiler with burning piles.....

Yeah no shit !

Exit Beast stage left with scathing comments nipping at his ass like the lobsters of doom.

Next year I spend my vacation on the friggin beach !

PARENTAL PANDEMONIUM

Ma and Pa Beasty have just trundled off , after a two day visit.

Love em to death and all that , but its like having the Gremlins in the house , they move all my furniture around when I am not looking 'because it looks better that way' . Change all the contents about in the cupboards because 'I don't have a logical mind' .

Argue about everything I say , squabble with each other , fidget , constantly run about doing 'things' , force feed me and tell me long incomprehensible stories that don't make any sense , squabble all thru dinner , make loud embarrassing comments in public . within half a day I start twitching .

Today we went out for a trip to Weymouth and then wandered back past Dorchester and dropped in on the Cafe to visit with Mr C and have lunch - which was delicious , Ma Beasty has long wanted to adopt Mr C , originally on the premise ( I cant remember why) that As all her own children were blithering idiots and Mr C was certainly as bad she wanted to adopt him and have a full matching set , now she just want to feed him up , wash his clothes and re arrange his furniture - Silly old bat :-))

CRAVINGS

It must be the heat , but I am having strange cravings for childhood foods.
The first is Heinz salad spread , its like a cross between tartar sauce and salad cream , full of undefinable crunchy bits and is tangy and luscious spread on a nice thick slice of well buttered bread.




Toast Toppers are a real delight a delicious mix of processed cheese and ham with a gloopy cat sick kind of consistency that sticks to the roof of you mouth in a molten mass if your too greedy to wait a few minutes when it comes out from under the grill - a real treat





Mmmmmm Bloater* paste
The evocative name just says it all. A pox on your fancy taramasalata , spread a bit of bloater paste on your bread in all its fishy loveliness and you will never look back

* for the uninitiated and the plain stupid a bloater is a big old herring.

What are your secret cravings (We are talking food Miss MJ you minx!)