What is it about me that people feel the need to share their intimate moments ......
Now all of you that are compelled to cuddle up to the Beast and confide your libidinous adventures in full glorious technicolour, listen up.
There are two groups of people in this life.
Those that you/ I would like to have sex with....... however sex is between you and whoever your doing it to.
So if your not doing it with me
I don't want to hear about it
Its like someone describing a great meal that you didn't get to eat , as you were not invited.
Secondly are those you/I really don't want to have sex with......
You don't even want to think about them having sex(Think Sir Elt and partner)
You will never be able to look them in the eye , shake their hand , or eat something fishy , slimy or vaguely phallic in their presence ever again
In fact depending on the person you may not feel like eating for a week.
(NB. This group often bizarrely take the view point that they are the only people in the universe currently having sex , and frankly I think half the time they are making it up....please note most people have a sex life but don't feel the need to share it in polite conversation , is it low self esteem do you reckon??!)
So in future if you fit into group one I will politely inform you that since I wasn't present I am not particularly interested (well you don't want to upset a potential shag) ,
If you are in group two , you may find me vomiting copiously in mid sentence(see artists impression above)
If members of both groups persist I will probably punch you , or tell everyone you have genital warts/crabs/exotic STD , or both.