Tuesday, 30 March 2010

CATCHING UP

Beast has been a busy boy and not had much chance to do anything other than work and sleep . regretably I have missed competitions and not got round anyones blogs .  By way of making amends I have knocked up a foil hat(For IVD) and mashed it up with a tasteless household object(For MJ) , and that my dear readers is the best I can do for the next few days . So here we go

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

I HAVE AN ITCHY BUMHOLE - A REBUTTAL....GEDDDIIIIIiT ?????

As many a modern celebrity has found to their cost , what started out as just another rather dull evening rapidly went down hill on the discovery of  a vile slur suddenly appearing in the published media.

The Beast was pottering around at home , half heartedly perving over Seven of Nine in a rather dull episode of voyager   (Sad....yes , but one has to get ones jollies wherever they present themselves).
Suddenly a thought occured to me that Mr C was about to visit  , which I dismissed immediatley as nonsense as a) Mr C hasn't visited for months and b) Mr C's car is fecked at the moment . However dear reader , one should always follow ones gut instincts , and however improbable this may seem , I always know when Mr C is heading my way.....I don't know why , or how , I just do.
When the doorbell started manically ringing 5 minutes later , I knew I had missed my chance to switch all the lights out and hide under the stairs.
I opened the door to the usual whirlwind   . Mr C swept past and began talking ten to the dozen while routing thru the  the fridge and simultaniously banging and rattling the toaster , berating me that the cheap peace of crap didnt work , buy cheap buy twice  blah , blah , blah(He hadnt plugged it in ) , how the contents of my fridge would shame an anorexic blah , blah , blah(as he piled everything that was in there between two slices of butter slathered toast) , elbowed me away from  my PC while giving  loud demands for coffee (Not the cheap shit I usually give my guests - mind you) and complaining about my PC.
Then as suddenly as he arrived  , Mr C let out a loud belch , jumped up and ***POOF*** was gone , leaving nothing but a dirty plate , an empty mug, a few mayonaisy hand prints and a cloud of scathing insults buzzing in the air like hungry mosqito's to mark his passage.
It was five minutes later that a flurry of  sarcastic comments and supportive private messages started arriving from Facebook , as I suddenly realised to my horror I had left myself logged into Facebook , with Mr C at liberty on the PC .
Beastly Fartypants had procalimed to the social networking hordes the legend I HAVE AN ITCHY BUMHOLE
I would like to thank all those fellow 'Sufferers' for your support and  helpful advice and rest assured I will never reveal you affliction to the world FROBISHER and should I ever be struck down with an irrascible sphincter I will definatly boil an onion in milk and then stuff the squidgy mess in my pants or crouch gratefully upon a bag of frozen peas
For sure thats going to happen :-)

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

THE MANAGEMENT

Gentle reader , as you sit quietly relaxing with your herbal tea  , music of the 'easy listening' variety and the luxuriant aroma of pot pouri wafting around your ratty brushed nylon housecoat , spare a thought for poor Beast and Mr C wrestling with the rigours of managing the crew at Cafe C  , ensuring we provide Dorchesters premier entertaining experience.
Mr C had to quelle an attempted staff mutiny on Saturday and metered out a healthy dollop of 'Tough Love' to all concerned.......In a nutshell ,there was harsh words , sulking , trembling lower lips ,sending homes , a severe dressing down and a final reconciliation .
What was the Beast doing during all this argy bargy you may ask......stoically manning a smoking Panini Machine , marshalling a dizzying array of 'light bite' meals and wrangling the biggest heap of washing up you ever saw.
Saturday Evening's Cafe C Caberet Night was soon upon us . A solid 10 hours of wicked entertainment and wild partying . Our first act , local singer Peggy turned in a stirling performance before falling victim to Mr C's lethal 'Cock in a Frock' cocktail and had to be manhandled sobbing from the building and thrown with her guitar  into the back of a waiting Taxi .
This was followed in swift succesion by two Karoakeying Trannies (Their murdering of Bohemian Rhapsody was probably what set  a drink addled Peggy  a'sobbing.It certainly made me bilious ) and  a triumphant Crap Bingo with Mavis.
There was a short interlude before part of Local band the dinner Ladies took to the stage and finally to finish up a stonking evening , there was frenzied dancing to the marvellous mixing of DJ Richie T.


Many hours later As Mr C and James were about to close , one of the late arriving punters made a dash for the loo , had a volcanic gastric incident of the rear end variety , before fleeing the building and waddling off into a bright new dawn. On making this horrific discovery at 5 am , accompanied by exclamations of disgust and plenty of dry heaving the Management Comittee(Mr C and James , as our hero Beast was long ago tucked up in his bed , recharging ready for the morning clean up shift) decided to firmly close the lavatory door and sort it out in the morning.

I arrived fresh from a good nights sleep and an hours commute listening to the Archers omnibus , scurried into the Cafe and headed straight to the Lavatory to empty my straining bladder , on joyfully throwing the door open , I was nearly knocked over by the foul stench and then slowly took in the besplattered horror that was emerging from the fug .....  slammed the door pretty damn quick , wee'd in the garden and started cleaning the restaurant in complete denial of what was lurking beyond the green door.

James stumbled in about two hours later to assist with the cleanup and I realised I iether had to
1)take charge of the situation and 2)advantage of James's befuddled sleep deprived state
or
Face the horrific poo begrimed consequences myself.
Stopping briefly to trawl my memory for the principles of modern management I leapt into decisive action .

1.Frog marched James to the Lavatory door Strong Leadership
2.Shoved a cloth , mop , steaming bucket of bleach water and rubber gloves into James trembling hands Ensure the tools are readily available to do the job
3.Chirped Merrilly 'I am sure you are going to do a marvellous job' Encouragement
4.'As long as your careful where you tread and don't breath Coaching
5.I then held my breath ,
 whipped the door open and shoved the happless James in Strong Leadership AGAIN.....I am a natural at this
6.I Popped my head round the door when the choking had stopped and helpfully shouted 'I think you missed some over there ****Gesticulates wildly at nothing in particular*** On going feedback and engagement with the task in hand
7. And eventually held the bucket and made wild promises of  cups of tea as James completed his task and dry heaved(Attention seeking)  pathetically for a bit Typical post project empty management promises .
As Mr C says , Who was directing the cleanup operation by means of his messenger hand maiden Midge from his Second floor boudoire ,  Its all about team building 

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO