I HAVE AN ITCHY BUMHOLE - A REBUTTAL....GEDDDIIIIIiT ?????

As many a modern celebrity has found to their cost , what started out as just another rather dull evening rapidly went down hill on the discovery of  a vile slur suddenly appearing in the published media.

The Beast was pottering around at home , half heartedly perving over Seven of Nine in a rather dull episode of voyager   (Sad....yes , but one has to get ones jollies wherever they present themselves).
Suddenly a thought occured to me that Mr C was about to visit  , which I dismissed immediatley as nonsense as a) Mr C hasn't visited for months and b) Mr C's car is fecked at the moment . However dear reader , one should always follow ones gut instincts , and however improbable this may seem , I always know when Mr C is heading my way.....I don't know why , or how , I just do.
When the doorbell started manically ringing 5 minutes later , I knew I had missed my chance to switch all the lights out and hide under the stairs.
I opened the door to the usual whirlwind   . Mr C swept past and began talking ten to the dozen while routing thru the  the fridge and simultaniously banging and rattling the toaster , berating me that the cheap peace of crap didnt work , buy cheap buy twice  blah , blah , blah(He hadnt plugged it in ) , how the contents of my fridge would shame an anorexic blah , blah , blah(as he piled everything that was in there between two slices of butter slathered toast) , elbowed me away from  my PC while giving  loud demands for coffee (Not the cheap shit I usually give my guests - mind you) and complaining about my PC.
Then as suddenly as he arrived  , Mr C let out a loud belch , jumped up and ***POOF*** was gone , leaving nothing but a dirty plate , an empty mug, a few mayonaisy hand prints and a cloud of scathing insults buzzing in the air like hungry mosqito's to mark his passage.
It was five minutes later that a flurry of  sarcastic comments and supportive private messages started arriving from Facebook , as I suddenly realised to my horror I had left myself logged into Facebook , with Mr C at liberty on the PC .
Beastly Fartypants had procalimed to the social networking hordes the legend I HAVE AN ITCHY BUMHOLE
I would like to thank all those fellow 'Sufferers' for your support and  helpful advice and rest assured I will never reveal you affliction to the world FROBISHER and should I ever be struck down with an irrascible sphincter I will definatly boil an onion in milk and then stuff the squidgy mess in my pants or crouch gratefully upon a bag of frozen peas
For sure thats going to happen :-)