Wednesday, 26 August 2009

FREAKISH TALENTS


Today at work I wandered out to the smoking hut , while I was loafing about smoking I noticed a twig at my feet that had that perfect wishbone shape.
This set off a whole train of memories of water divining with my dad when I was a kid.
I was the only person in the family that can divine(The rest being insensitive oafs) , so I always got dragged out when divinng was necesary.
You get a Y shaped twig (Willow is best) , grasp the two ends with you palms facing the floor and then twist your hands up and out until your palms are facing the sky .
This puts tension in the twig so you can feel the slightest tweak against the end .
If you now walk over any running underground water you will feel a strong pulling down on the end of the twig (With some people its down with others its up......dont know why).
You may ask why water divining was neccesary at all , all I can remember is that my dad had a thing about certain aspects of how they built ancient churches . they were always built with the altar over a blind(underground) spring , and one of the exit streams(also underground) would flow out of the knave door .
Suposedly becuase an underground spring messes with the electrical fields above it , this goes part way to explaining the odd 'spooky' atmosphere in some old churches.
This also explains why some of the old churches and cathedrals in the UK are banana shaped, when viewed from the air (Just look at an ariel shot of Canterbury cathedral if you dont believe me).
It also has something to do with ley lines but I cant remember what .
Anyway thats my freakish talent , I can water divine.
I dread to ask , but what gentle reader are yours????

Sunday, 23 August 2009

YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND

Show us a prime example of Plumbers Crack cried Beastbites Canadian readership (in a very shrill and demanding manner one might add) .Ours is not to reason why gentle reader , but my money is on a certain Canadian bloggeress feverishly clicking the picture to enlarge and there will be a bit of screen licking going on .
Judge not , the winters are long and hard in the cutural wasteland of the colonies , however what was Miss Scarlet thinking of when she pleaded for a little Hot Banana Action , one expects a little more restraint from the Garden of England


Friday, 21 August 2009

WATER TORTURE







The Cafe C kitchen has a leaking tap. This has been driving me insane for months .
Here is Beast's easy to follow ,step by step guide to how to remedy the situation , specially adapted for the hard of hearing and the infirm MR C








1. Pick up the telephone











2.Call a plumber

ANOTHER SOLUTION BROUGHT TO YOU BY BEAST'S FLIPPIN OBVIOUS ANSWERS

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

ON YER BIKE





The Beastmobile finally gave up the ghost and I had to be towed home with a banjaxed clutch.


I blame Mr C's canine familiar Lloyd , who ran away while on his walk and caused much racing up and down from the Beast's Lair to Dorchester to firstly join the midnight search party , then to go and spring Lloyd from Weymouth Goal where a kindly Lorry driver had dropped him off after finding the little blighter capering around on the A31 and causing a traffic jam at 6 oclock in the morning.

Of course the clutch went bang in the middle of a huge traffic jam so it took the recovery van flipping ages to come and get me .

Little Lloyd is sleeping off his big adventure.

The Beastmobile is now recieving the tender mercies of the local mechanic and hopefully will be restored to its former glory(a scratched ,chewed and dented , doghair filled heap) shortly

Friday, 14 August 2009

PAST ITS PRIME

The poor Beastmobile seems to be ailing .
This car has put up with some terrible abuse over the years .
Mr C has borrowed in on numerous occasions , its usually delivered back looking like someone emptied the bins in it
Lloyd has chewed most of the fixtures and fittings at one time or another
Alfie has been sick in it.
Its been reversed into , keyed , shunted and still stalwartly flies backwards and forwards to Cafe C at least three times a week .
Now its making alarming squealing noises from the engine when you start it up and strange hicccups from the right hand rear wheel when you drive over 50 mph.
I will be checking it into the garage next week for a bit of TLC.
Lets hope it makes a speedy recovery :-(

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

RED BUSH




















The tight asses I work for have finally made us pay for the manky tea and coffee from the vending machines. I therefore decided to use the hot water facility and buy a sack of tea bags Sadly I didn't pay attention and bought 5 million Redbush tea bags.
Naturally caffeine free - no problem there
As hydrating as water - goody
Rich in antioxidants - fantastic
.....
TASTES LIKE SHITE........
feck , they missed that one off the packaging :-(


While searching for a picture of REDBUSH teabags , you can just imagine 90% of the results

Monday, 3 August 2009

BEAST'S FLAVOURSOME TREATS

Beast is scouring the world of haute cuisine to create a splash at the next Cafe C buffet.



Teabaggingtastic is the only description for Beasts bulging meaty entrees , this could make the buffet go with a swing and bring a tear to the eye of many a hungry diner










One always likes ones comestibles to go with a bang!

careful where you poke your fork

















Natures bounty never goes to waste at Cafe C . Admittedly one has to allow a little longer for the drive to work and remember to bring a shovel and a bucket .However I am sure Beasts medley of spatchocked badger and hedgehog will be a screaming success.



Just the thing to give that Delicious roadkill and authentic 'burning engine oil' finish

***drizzles nibbles with castrol GTX and a scattering of tyre shavings***











Sophistication and understated good taste are our watchwords at Cafe C , One will often hear Mr C wondering aloud when faced with a styling dilemma 'what would Liberace do??'



I think we all know the answer to that........

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO