BELLS AND SMELLS

It came to pass that the Beast went to church .

Some would say this happened because God moves in mysterious ways

other more cynical devils would say it was because Mr C lied and told me I was going to a party

What a jolly time we had , there was singing , clapping , some of it was even in time

***Glares at Mr C who is incapable of singing and clapping in sync***

Frobisher made very unchristian remarks to the effect that I was not singing along at all

I was miming , if its good enough for Britney its good enough for Jesus

I replied that as I am tone perfect Mr F could not single me out amongst the angelic throng

Some of the congregation were doing the one hand to heaven thing as detailed by Miss First Nations(we theorised that it improves heavenly reception like a TV Ariel) , there were Amens and hallelujahs a plenty , Dancing lesbians , transvestites singing baritone ,earnest readings and heartfelt testaments.

The very Reverend Ganja visiting from Nigeria was wheeled out to do communion and tempt us to drink from the furry cup with a choice of full fat or gluten free communion wafers , Mr C embarrassed us by guffawing aloud at this point.When he symbolically broke the wafers and held them aloft Mr C guffawed again as it looked alarmingly like 70's classic Pacman.

If things couldn't get anymore unworldly , Mr C was then presented with a services to the Religious Community of Dorchester Award...I nearly swallowed my tongue with the shock and Mr Frobisher had to perform an emergency Heimlich maneuver before calm was restored.

As we all piled into my car for the journey home . Mr C , his whole system obviously marinaded in celestial cleansing energy (or maybe it was the massive roast dinner ) , broke a healing wind of such a satanic vileness , we had to drive for half an hour with all the windows open , James and the girls choking in th back , but I am sure he felt closer to god as a result.......I know I did!