INTRODUCING BAT SHIT CRAZY ALBERTINA

 BSCA is my cleaning Buddy

The closest you will find to her is a chirpy cockney that inhabit 1940's war films set in Blitz wrecked London . There is always a cockney char lady who would say things like "Gawd bless you govnor yur a real gent ! " as she scurried about with a mop and bucket and would likely break out into a rousing chorus of "Roll out the Barrel" or the "Lambeth Walk" at the drop of a hat. 

She scurried in on one occasion looking perplexed and squawked at me

"Why do people think I am fucking common" ( a shortening of the idiom As Common as muck which implies a person of lower class , lacking sophistication).

She is an excellent cleaner , no messing about just gets on with it . She twitters away the whole time and you catch occasional nuggets from her strange life as she goes along like

"and that's how I learnt to build a bomb! "

"imagine my surprise when it was MI5 banging on my door , and me in the shower"

I tend to nod wisely and don't ask

I addition to being a super cleaner she has other talents . She is a Mr C whisperer . When we are approaching a full moon and Mr C has one of his heads and is kicking off about something or other he rings BSCA and they have a chat and magically all is well but she also communes in a weird way with Mr C's dog Toby that comes to stay when he buggers off on his travels.

Toby adores BSCA and he is allowed out when she is about. He follows her about  as she cleans leaning on her while she twitters away to him .

When Toby went back home last time BSCA asked me if I was missing him , I said I was but I did not miss the endless game of Ball and Blanket (Hiding his favourite ball under his blanket , he then scuffles about , kills the blanket , gets all tied up in knots and eventually retrieves the ball which I have to hide again...... it goes on for hours)

BSCA then announced that Toby feels the same way and only plays it as he feels it keeps me occupied and I seem to enjoy it . She then followed up with that Toby felt I was a bit "special" and needed to be looked after . Special in inverted commas meaning special needs .

Firstly the bloody cheek of it and secondly not being paranoid I just knew they were talking about me :-(

HAPPY NEW YEAR

 Happy New Year to 1 and all ;-)

And then I got COVID

Its  was all going quiet well .

Double vaxxed , working from home. A few masked up supermarket jaunts to keep fed but to be fair going a bit crazy being stuck on my own all the time

Jagos was allowed to re open . The first couple of weeks were a bit of a stree but it is doing well

Then things started to open up a bit and I was sent 3 times a week to work on the Customer Services desk for the council in the local library .

and then I got covid

It has proper knocked the stuffing out of me . I was rather unwell for about 3 weeks . high fever and then the cough started .

The fever was constant and came with a recurring dream of a couple , man and woman who were sat on my roof on these purple throne type chairs . They could not explain what they were doing there. Everytime the fever kicked in at night , there they were trying to explain round and round , they made no sense.

Then the ghastly cough started and the hospital gave me a blood oxygen monitor everytime it was 92 or below you have to ring for an ambulance . Paramedic turn up first then if required they call an ambulance after putting you on oxygen and then you get carted off to hospital.

Each time I was held in a room on my own as I was Covid positive for about 8 hours while on oxygen . A rather peculiar oriental nurse kept creeping in and whispering to me that she knew about my secret drinking and that is why I was there. I did tell her multiple times to pick her audience as the last drink I had this year was  on Christmas day to be sociable and it was a rather weak G&T as I was driving . on the third visit I threw her out of my room  shouting

I (Cough) DON'T (Splutter ) FUCKING (Cough/Choke) DRINK (More hacking and coughing) GO AWAY!

At various points people would run in the room with a clipboard and shout HAVE YOU HAD A POSITIVE COVID TEST??!??

or 6 -8 by day three most of them done by you guys

They generally then looked a bit confused and shouted AND WHY ARE YOU HERE TODAY??!!?? 

Well you have me on oxygen as I have covid and my blood oxygen was too low

OH !??

and then they would leave , I asked if they could help with the cough they just looked confused I had asked a question and shouted NO!

After a while I just started to make shit up but suspected rabies , a second head growing in my armpit(Which also had COVID)  and dancing malaria was completely ignored .

Usually at about midnight someone would come in and say you can go home now and would throw me out into the car park, coughing my guts up , Covid pos and 20 miles from home

After the third hospitalisation I just made up the oxygen and heart rate figures so they wouldn't come and frog march me into hospital again.

2 weeks on I am much better , Covid negative still got a bit of a cough and a bit short of breath 

If you have ever had to clean a nightclub , on your own, with Covid......... not something I would ever want to repeat it nearly finished me off

Stay Safe all of you and catch us up on what you have been up to

IN WHICH FROBISHER HAS A MANASTROPHE(UrbanDict)

I bumped into Frobisher the other evening when we all went out for dinner . Frobisher changed jobs a few years ago and was released from the control of Sarah Lawrence who has also changed career and is now the biker chick undertaker (don't ask! she now rides a motorbike to work , shouts an anyone who will listen that ITS A F*CKING BIG BIKE (any dissent or sarky comments regarding the bikes size may get a surprise visit to discuss ones imminent requirement for a funeral package).

Anyway Sarah ran a very tight ship and expected perfect manners, diction , grammar and spelling.

Frobisher is now working with young people and has gone all street.

He tells me his bitches be super swaggy . It took me ages searching urban dictionaries to work out he had probably bought his home help new rubber gloves.He also insists Tobydog is now called Tobydawg as the dog has 'madskillz'' 

Moving on from Frobisher's ongoing mid life crisis(A manastropy in urban terms) and to Tobydawg

.

What Frobisher doesn't know is Tobydawg does indeed have "madskillzz" and has been promoted to my therapy dog.

A while back when I had the bladder cancer removal opps they did something to one of my nerves  controlling my right leg causing it to ache , tire very quickly and not work properly. The consultants just said oh dear  well they do have to get you into some pretty weird positions to do the opps but hopefully it will get better. I   limped around for about a year and it didn't reallly improve.

One day I was just walking down Mr C's back passage when Tobes came charging down the stairs behind me on route for the garden and piled straight into me  at full pelt knocking me flat on my face. I mean lliterally face plant.

When I staggered up off the floor Tobes was just wagging his tail and jumping about . I could tell straight away my leg felt better. The discomfort had gone and it just felt different. and over the following few weeks I marched about strengthening it up . These days it is almost entirely back to normal

So Tobydog sorry dawg is now my chiropractor therapy dog

COVID CLAMITY

There has been much discussion as to how people are reacting to these lockdowns and the often odd affects manifesting themselves.

I had been booked in for a MRI scan to see how Brian the brain thingy  is getting along . The main Dorset County Hospital being besieged by COVID patience, the procedure was moved to a private hospital called The Winterbourne

I turned up with plenty of time and then had to go through the torturous admittance procedures . You were so far away from the reception desk and having to wear a mask , receptionist balling at you WHAT IS YOUR NAME

WHAT??!?? 

NAME??!??

COLIN!

STROLLING ??!!??

NO COLIN C  O  L  I  N 

WHAT??!!??

After twenty or so minutes of this I finally was dispatched to the MRI scanner that was in a lovely trailer in the car park

Got all ready on the moving bed thing , neck brace , head immobiliser visor and earphones and the 2  nurses and doctor peeping over a barrier in the corner . 

Just as the doctor shouted in we go! the thing started  to feed you head first into the scanner .

I HAD THE BIGGEST FUCKING PANIC ATTACK . 

never had one before in my life , had loads of scans before during the Brian episode nothing. 

Jump up ,  ripped off all the gear and legged it into the car park . Finally bought down by the two nurses before I made it to the road(Excellent rugby tackle I have to say) with them both shouting RELAX .... BREATHE... YOUR SAFE NOW  . 

Some of the poor nervous devils traipsing across the car park to reception for their appointments must of thought I was an escapee from the birthing pool..I wonder how many thought fuck this and legged it.

Both myself and the two nurses ended up  in a heap in the corner of the car park and just laughing and laughing.

I was mortified

I am going to have to book another one and they have suggested I consider sedation next time round . The nurse explained they had been having a large increase in people reacting in exactly the same way , albeit most of them don't make it into the car park. The doctor thought it was a psych reaction to the loss of control of ones life during lock down.

They also suggested a bought a friend to perhaps hold my hand during the scan . 

Can you imagine. 

Mr C .got a moment ????!!

 Bwha ha ha ha ha

 

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE!

 Well Here we are again Lockdown 2.0

It has to be said it is not much fun

Banished from the office since March , stuck out in the sticks on me own , probably a little crazier since it started. 

I have had a few weeks of respite looking after hellhound Tobydog while Mr C goes on yet another emergency holiday (Usually on the excuse that I drive him crazier than is bearable on the same continent but this is strictly dubious as I hardly ever see the fecker) but at least Tobydog loves me 

We had a chance for a fabolous Cafe Jagos work appraisal in the early stages of the first lockdown.

Jagos being a nightclub still remains closed and we are not yet sure when it will able to open again

Mr C's two other pubs where able to open in July but have been closed again for the second lockdown

Mr C opined that he had no problem with my work it is only if we are in the same room he feels an overriding urge to hit me!

Mr C's long suffering partner James suppressed a snigger and said I think that was supposed to be encouraging 😁

Now I must go and scout around and see who else is still blogging

Laters

Dinner