BEDRAGGLED

It was a dark and stormy night as wind and rain lashed the Beasts Lair . I had managed to wrestle two over excited dogs onto their leads for the dash to the car , and exited the front door in a maelstrom of barking , yanking canine hell (Walkies are just sooooooo exciting). Just as I got into the garden , Alfie yanked really hard on his lead and jerked the keys out of my hand . They sailed directly over my head and landed on the door mat just as the wind slammed the self locking front door.
There was much dancing and cursing as a bedraggled Beast , Alfie and Lloyd were locked out of both the house and the car in the pouring rain. I remembered I had secreted a spare key under one of the array of pots that litter the front garden.....
But which damn pot was it ?????.
There followed much scrabbling , groping , yanking , screaming and shouting in the pitch black (the street lights had decided to switch themselves off , just to add to the misery) .I can report that it is amazing how much slimey ick can accumulate under pots over the winter , eventually I located the key and rescued the car and house keys from the mat .
A soaked  , begrimed and vile tempered Beast and his two howling familiars finally departed for Cafe C and promptly got stuck in a two hour traffic jam.
It was not an evening I care to repeat.
Two days later , I was running about getting ready for work , late as usual and the hounds of hell were being contrary . After finally getting them settled , wee'd and watered . I ran out the door and realised  just as the door slammed shut that I had grabbed the Cafe Keys rather than my own . So I was now once again locked out of the house and car   , and the dogs were locked inside.
Had I replaced the spare key in the garden
Had I f*ck!
****interlude of more dancing , cursing and swearing***
I was now well late and had to march off to work to open all the support desks (Its a 40 minute hike) . Once there I rang several locksmiths  , all of the buggers claimed they couldnt fit me in till the next day unless I paid a 5 million pound callout fee but eventually I found one who said its very busy but he could fit me in ,  in 30 minutes or forget it  , so I had to yomp back home in record time.
I was expecting some big old mularkey with skeleton keys or lock drills as I stood wheezing and sweating on the pavement , but the guy hoiked some manky old length of metal tubing from his van , that had been bent into a U shape. Stuck it thru the letterbox and lifted the inner unlocking handle.........it took all of thirty seconds and just goes to show how frighteningly crap these supposedly secure doors are.

Thirty seconds work for £50 quid....the guy must be minted.

The  exciting news  of the day is that a suspicious looking package was lurking on the door step when I arrived home. Hurrah the pee book prize  has finally arrived from Miss MJ














The Beast doesnt need no book to tell him that this majestic specimen is yelling RAW SEX APPEAL................RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR