OH BULLOCKS !!!!

Fellow Taureans , are you all having a shit week ????

It started at the end of last week with too much work , then was swiftly preceded by arguements , misunderstandings and tantrums .
Which was just the warm up for a bizzare virus infection .
Burning fever and chills followed by two days of every muscle in my body aching (even my eyelids).
By midweek the health was improving , but the cosmos had not finished with me yet......

I gained 1 miserly pound at fat club weigh in(which was a shock) , and got a ratty lecture from the over tanned , scraggy rotweiler that runs the club .......having stomped off home still smarting from the terrible harangue , I then proceeded to take a 7 pound leak.......I was in there for HOURS....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Water retention is bad enough becuase its just so damn girly , but a mistimed monster urination is just well ,,,,taking the piss.

Was it all over yet Oooooh no , suddenly the financial situation went down the drain(a shocking unexpected bill)............ and then double or quits got twice as bad(as in "ooops when i said £200 , I actually meant £400").
Now a taurus on the most meager of budgets will have an emergency fund( even if its only a hard saved £1) , they will also have a holiday treats fund and a bit extra put by somewhere else just to make sure........all temporarily wiped out...........
A taurean without contingencies is not a happy bunny.

So there we have it , the Beast is in a rare old Taurean fug , and about to have a spectacular bullish tantrum/eruption , so I will be spending as much of the weekend on my own as possible , so's not to lose any hapless friends or loved ones to collateral damage or pyroplastic flow.
Not that I shall be festering , oh no no no.... come monday morning I am going to have the cleanest house in the western hemisphere , my garden will be clipped , brushed and primped and I am going to have THE most toned and excersised butt in Bournemouth .
House keeping/excersise as anger management . Yessireee
Its cheap
You get a result
It works
Have a nice weekend..........

SISTA'S DOIN IT FOR THEMSELVES

I dont know what is the world comming to.The vatican is having to shut down a convent in Bari Italy , when the sisters vow of silence was shattered by an unholy row and a punch up.

The Clarissa nuns regarded as the strictest order in the catholic church , devoted to a life of prayer , silence and contemplation , beat the living shite out of the mother superior having been driven to distraction by her nasty habits - and I dont think they were reffering to her laundry.

The Beast wonders if this is the latest ploy by the vatican to bolster those dwindling congregations

The Mearest hint of the possibility of a bit of girl on girl action is bound to put bums on pews - Its a miracle

Halleluyah !

MACHINE REBELLION

I bought one of those fancy hard drive tv recorders . It is supposed to record the programs you tell it to and also look which type of program you generally record and fill up any spare disk space with programs in the same category.

Oh this all worked well for about two weeks , then mine started slipping in the odd recording of 15 times a week crappy teen soap hollyoaks. I never watch or record any soaps , so this is a bit strange. Eventaully the recorder became absolutley obsessed and would not record anything else. When I put a block on the program which effectivly says never ever record this peace of crap again , the little blighter would not record anything at all , it sat in the corner with its little red light glaring malovently at me and did nothing.............. I switched it off for a week to teach it who is boss.......... and then the whole fight for dominance of Chez Beasty's televisual input started again.

I have just blocked Hollyoaks AGAIN , so its now sulking . I was standing in the hall the other day and I could see all the lights flashing on my wireless router ,they would flash for a bit then stop....... when they stopped the red and amber lights on the recorder would flash a bit , then back to the router....... I had a very strong impression they were talking about me.When I walked into the lounge they both stopped and had a whistling air of innocence about them , what confirms my theory is the wireless router has started to act difficult as well now.

I cannot believe I am having a battle of wills with a supposedly innanimate object but I will not be beaten by a box of wires , the little bastard iether tows the line , or its a quick trip to the dump. It has been switched off for a few days having first been told its imminent fate , we shall see if it mends its rebellious ways or starts chummying up to the dyson.

Its last chance saloon chez beasty its total submission or the tip......Mwa Ha Ha

JOGGING ALONG

Some Pikey wanker pinched my bike .

I was just getting back into cycling everywhere again , so its fecking annoying , it was a heap of old shite anyway , so I hope the chain snaps and the peddles fall off.......bastards

Not to be side tracked from the new healthy Beast lifestyle . To replace the bike ride into work , I have decided to go jogging first thing every morning , straight out of bed , climb into trainers and shorts and off i go. However I am finding I am extremely un coordinated first thing in the morning , I seem to have too many arms and legs , this state of affairs doesnt lend itself to jogging . I shamble down the road like quasimodo , with a bad dose of the squirts , trying to get to the nearest lav , before being overtaken by some ghastly gastric incident .

Luckily its still dark , so hopefully no one recognises me.

On another topic that is currently perplexing the Beast...........

I dont know wether you have this particular bit of marketing stupidity elsewhere in the world . Items of food ie chocolate bars , apples , bananas etc advertised as 'Fun Sized' which translates to extremely small.

How in the name of everything holy is a miniscule apple or a microscopic mars bar FUN.

I would like to find the person that thought this bit of idiocy was clever and kick them until they are dead..........now that sounds like fun.

GROUNDED BEAST

Stand by your beds.
Ma Beasty is visiting.

The Beast is on best behaviour , house cleaned and ready for inspection.

Thus far Ma Beasty is not looking impressed.

I shall return shortly when the storm has passed.

BOYS , SHOPPING AND THE STUPID INDEX

I have covered men , supermarkets and stupidity before. I can generally only speak for myself , but despite detailed planning of my food shopping , check my cupboards for items that require replacing , decide on my meal requirements for the next few days and painstakingly make my list (if I am feeling particularly anally retentive , I can make my list colour coded , AND in the correct order for the supermarket layout) .So far so good.

However ,As soon as I get to the supermarket doors , the list magically vapourises , some bugger has moved all the shelves about, and I cant remember anything.

Supermarket and marketing executives know this and now have me at their mercy. I am aimlessly wandering about , in search of retail guidance , THEY know I like red shiny things(something to do with having testicles) , so there are plenty of red shiny signs , that basically are pitched in such a way that says buy me and you will get lots of sex

THEY also know ANYTHING on special offer will find its way into my trolley , regardless of the stupidity of the offer and wether I have ever used the item in my life before.

Basically if the big red shiny sign said ***** SPECIAL OFFER , BUY ONE PAY FOR TWO **** it would practically leap into my trolley , and I would feel GOOOOOD.

So what I am saying is , BEAST + Supermarket Shopping = Stupidity.

Now MR C + BEAST + Supermarket shopping = Stupidity squared (its quantum physics or something)

We went to get dog food and some dinner.

We wandered about aimlessly ( I just cant get my head round it , mutters Mr C)

we managed to get the dog food(hurrah)

We managed to get all sorts of things in tins(becuase they were interesting AND on offer)

We managed to get all sorts of frozen tenticled and shelled frozen horrors (becuase they were on offer)

We managed to get a pink fluffy steering wheel cover and furry dice (it was on SPECIAL offer)

We got to the till , and were informed that as our bill was 46 pounds , if we managed to get it over 50 pounds , we would get 5 pence of every litre of petrol at the garage..............

A fit of avericious panick followed , Mr C sprinted off like something out of supermarket sweep .The only thing he could find to take the bill over 50 pounds was a 7 pound bottle of Tesco Value Vodka . This probably makes no sense to those with wombs , you'all would have just squandered it on lavatory cleaner and toilet roll and useful stuff. THATS WHY WE RULE THE WORLD AND YOU DONT. HA HA HA HA....ahem....anyways

We paraded from the supermarket flushed with our superior shopping sucess.Hunter gatherer gods on our way to bargain petrol heaven.

Went to garage

Remember it was £7 for the vodka......

Saving on petrol £2 :-( ( they bloody saw me coming again didnt they.....bastards)

We forgot to get anything for dinner and had to detour to the fish and chip shop :-(

The vodka is going to taste like paint stripper :-(

Mr C will drink all the vodka anyway , before I get any :-(

Stupid , Stupid , Stupid

SHOCKING BEHAVIOUR

The Beast being a clean living sort of chap , is often horrified by the 'behind closed doors' goings on reported in certain Sunday Tabloids . Honestly the things ordinary people get up to when they have too much time on their hands.

Well....... last night the Beast had exercised , partaken of a frugal supper and decided to pop out for a fortifying cup of tea with friends who shall remain nameless (Eccentrik , the lovely Clare , Natemare and his mysterious baltic beau Natalia Ripmytopoff - ooops)

As I approached the door to Mr E's delightful country abode , bats flitting about in the gathering gloom , cows lowing in the surrounding fields , discordant sounds of raucus revellery reached the Beasts perfectly formed ears.

With a twinge of trepidation I was about to press the doorbell , when the shrieks and libidinous howlings of laughter reached a crecendo .

I clearly heard the drink slurred voice of Mr E shout

THAT WAS RUBBISH , LET ME HAVE A GO

This was followed by loud ' SNAP

An agonised scream

a loud pain wracked American voice wailed

GOD DAMMIT MR E , YOU MISSED MY ASS

more screeches of laughter , and general drunken debauch.

The Beast decided at this point that discretion being the better part of valour , I would retire to my lonely garret and read some improving tract , possibly Jungle Janes new pamphlet 'Bashing the Bishop - a beginners guide ' ..... I you cant go wrong with a bit of theology, now can you