CURSED FOR CHRISTMAS

Poor Beastie is doomed.

About three years ago , I finished work on Christmas Eve . In a fever of excitement I pedalled off in the pouring rain , hoping to jump in my car ready for the three hour drive to Ma Beasties , where the entire Beast clan was waiting to start the Christmas festivities.

Only some idjit left a few stray logs lying in the road , which I didn't see in the pouring rain...... I fell off my bike and buckled the front wheel.

With much muttering and mouthing of rich Christmas oaths I limped off down the road wheeling my poor wrecked bike.

It rained harder and harder , and within 15 minutes I was soaked to the skin , water was squishing out of my trainers with every step and my trackie bottoms were so waterlogged , they began to stretch, so the legs were dragging on the floor and the crutch was dangling between my knees like a festively filled nappy.

About half way home , I had to pass Charity Santa's house.

Charity Santa does a big show every year , the biggest and best house bling you ever saw , and he dresses as Santa and lurks for hours in a little tent on the roadside greeting throngs of children and parents , that come from miles around , he collects a fortune for various charities and makes thousands of kids Christmas a bit special.

As I dragged my sorry soaking self plus ruined bike past 'Santa's Grotto' , which was completely deserted due to the howling storm . Out popped attention seeking 'Charity Santa' and cheerfully shouted

'HO HO HO YOUNG MAN.... YOU LOOK A BIT WET'

to which I responded(not being in the best or most charitable of moods at this stage)

'FUCK OFF'

'WANKER'.........

I insulted charity Santa..... :-(

Now I am cursed

Forever

And its serves me right !

Happy Christmas to one and all. I hope you all have a relaxed and happy time , whatever your doing

WHO'S A LUCKY BIRTHDAY BOY . EVERYBODY SINGS

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR C !






















Beast being a true artist , has been busy creating a commemorative tea tray especially for the occasion , depicting Mr C sunbathing on Studland beach , I have taken a little artistic licence and transformed the cloud of flies into cavorting cherubs :-).


This is a limited edition so order now to avoid disappointment.


















Still available is my famous Oil painting of Frobisher , Mutley and a few like minded friends* returning from a successful shopping trip to Lidl .


* Miss First Nations triumphantly holds aloft the last Frey Bentos pie , the champ slumped in exhaustion from fighting his beards insatiable appetites(Is the donkey safe! ).Mr C wearing his Lidl's fake tan / wood stain can be seen cavorting with The Hitch in the background .Wee Piggy is pictured in the foreground , knicking a bunch of grapes.

CHRISTMAS PUDDING

Christmas is coming and Beast is getting fat !

Its iether feast of famine chez Beasty.....and this year its feast.

For no obvious reason I am feeling rather chipper , I was struck down with another blasted cold earlier in the week , a real runny , sneezy , messy horror . I went into hibernation mode for a couple of days , stuffed meself till I nearly burst , watched lots of crap telly and generally dossed about. Now I feel totally energised , annoyingly optimistic and raring to go.

So its on with me lucky pants (thats underpants for our US cousins) , a splash of Brut and Beast will be puckered up and lurking under a bunch of mistletoe near you :-)

HO HO FUCKING HO

Well good for Bruce. I bet he didnt have to do the fecking Christmas shopping.

I set off yesterday for a days Xmas shopping with Mr C.Jumping up and down in my seat , full of festive spirit .......which lasted all of 2 minutes when Mr C's car went phut 25 yards from the house.

So undaunted we piled to the Beastmobile , Mr C's steaming wreck a fading memory as we barrelled off into a beautiful , bright frosty morn....you could almost hear them sleighbells.

Mr C insisted on driving (as I drive like a granny aparently) which left me to give directions , which is never a good idea as I cant tell my left from my right.Going round a roundabout 8 times in the middle of southhampton with Beast yelling LEFT LEFT LEFT and gesticulating wildly to the RIGHT gets old VERY QUICKLY.

Eventually we trundled up to , what is billed as, The South Coasts Premier Shopping Experience.........

It is in reality what Grandma Beasty would have called all fur coat and no knickers.

Yes its very flash, but it is full of overpriced shops all selling the same tired old stuff. The whole place was jammed full of fat people wearing lots of unatural fibre. Now, wether they where dragged in by the gravitational pull generated by all these other fat people , like a multitude of small planets..... or maybe its the polyester mating season. it was hard to tell. They certainly looked bemused and lurched about in babbling clumps bristling with walking sticks , walking frames and baby buggies, stopping you walking anywhere in a straight line or getting close to anything you wanted to look at.

We gave up after a couple of hours and stopped off at the 'German' market for a 'Delicious authentic bratwurst in a fresh bun' ............ a Greasy ,Diseased Donkey Dick served in a housebrick would have been a more apt description...........it was vile.

So Christmas is off to a flighing start Chez Beasty , I still have no presents*, and I cant get rid of the taste of the Bratwurst .

*I did manage to buy a box of BATH GOO. Tip it into your bath water and it instantly turns into a tub of Jello , ready for hours of hilarious festive bathtime fun

CLOWNING AROUND

Do you remember the post about my scary late night encounters with the tranvestite clown on a bike???.

If anyone thought I was making it up, Mr C had a recent siting (which he will probably now deny.....well becuase thats how Mr C is).

Well one area left unexplored at the time was HOT CLOWN SEX

I have been doing a bit of internet investigating , as basically I know what lazy bastards you all are.

For your delectation and delight I have a selection of available and in some cases down right desperate raunchy red nosed totty from the Clown sex cruising sites




First up we have Marcelle , gagging for it , but has difficulty comunicating with people


















Scaramouche.Is getting a bit bored with 'Self Love' . Looking for someone to fill her trousers with custard
Hooters , a saucy minx , whos ready willing and able to honk anyones horn!


The Amazing Manko..... lists his interests as falling over , making hilarious things with balloons and 'Fish Suppers'



Manko could obviously give Captain Birdseye a run for his money




Oooooh Matron , our Goldie loves nothing better than a bit of steamy role play with groups of dwarves , a pantomime horse, Hilarious cream pie and of course her speciality a laugh a minute custard enemas.
A convincing arguement for going private


Boffo , descibes himself as a sensetive soul , interested in 'juggling' , car maintenance , big flappy shoes , long unicyle rides in the country and what he euphemistically describes as 'Performing in the Ring'
Billy Smarts Big Top was never like this !




Well , Clowns are just so funny (NOT!)I hope this has adequately covered this topic and we can now all move swiftly on

THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE

My little brother Beast Minor has been secretly reading my blog , which became apparent when he ratted on me to Ma Beastie in the middle of dinner re the moulton bike and the hand knitted hat and gloves posts.At this point Pa Beasty assumed a hunted look and said 'He didn't mention those damn daffodils did he'.......

Oh yes hunted and guilty he may well look as yet another buried childhood trauma came flooding back .

About 6 months after starting school , we had to go and live in Norwich for a while , So Pa Beasty could complete his doctorate . So I had to start another school , which is horrible when your 5. Still it went OK and the only thing I managed to achieve while I was there was to make this pretty damn good 3D effect daffodil painting(Van Gogh's Sun flowers pfffffft).I was real proud of them.

Now when it came time to move back home , my class had a little ceremony to see me off and presented me with the daffodil masterpiece , signed by everyone in the class , so I would have something to remember them by.

After a fraught weekend of packing everything up , we were eventually all loaded into an overstuffed car ready for the 5 hour journey home , as we were going down the drive for the last time , we passed the dustbins ...... and there hanging out of the dustbin battered and torn was my discarded daffodil work of precocious genius...........

Put there by Pa Beasty......

The swine

MARUADING MADNESS

Typical , up to my eyeballs with work stuff and everyone starts inviting me to exciting social events.
I have a choice of brunch with Frobisher and Keef (pictured left a handsome pair you will agree)


Steak Nite at Mr C's .Always a pleasant evening of fine food and simple country entertainments.'Sniffing Dolly' is a particular favourite .











But unfortunatly I have had to snub them all for Ma and Pa Beasties Pre Xmas Family Get together.
The Restaurant is booked , and the emergency services have been notified.So I will see you all on my return (subject to bail conditions)