Beastliness

A RARE SIGHTING ????

2012-01-08T21:17:00.000Z

Greetings dear reader , I will leave you to decide wether this is a genuine photo of reclusive canadian blogging floozy Miss MJ .
Remember my lovelies The Truth is Out There!

MERRY XMAS

2011-12-19T08:33:00.000Z

GOOD MANNERS COST NOTHING

2011-09-26T20:01:00.000Z

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY SCARLET .....THE AWEFUL TRUTH

2011-08-08T20:15:00.003Z

To make some sense of this terrible tale , we have to start at the very begining and delve into the psych of a damaged woman .
Born Scarlet Blue Vantitty to a migrant farming family in Darkest Devon .The beautiful young Miss Scarlet soon showed her star quality , tap dancing , singing and juggling cowpats at Devon County fairs.

After a short few years of fame her star began to fade when television was finally introduced to Devon in 2010 .
A star struck Miss Scarlet then embarked an an increasingly desperate quest for celebrity and adoration in the far flung reaches of Dorset .
Her crtically acclaimed ventriloquist act failed to bring in the punters and was soon forced to close

Following this disapiontment Scarlet tried a comedy double act with Canadian Exotic Dancer Miss MJ. Called Tits n Teeth . All went well for a while, but after 6 months of an English diet Miss MJ's flatulence and a carlessly discarded cigarette caused an incident on Weston Supermare Pier and the show was closed on Health and Saftey grounds (oh and the minor fact that the Pier and Theatre burnt down)

An increasingly desperate Miss Scarlet finally agreed to a disasterous gig supporting Frobisher , as Mavis Boils glamourous assistant for the Knobs and Knockers comeback tour .

Altho this last ditch attempt at stardom had failed , and Miss Scarlet vowed never to speak to the ghastly Mavis again , she had found a place(The Fabulous Cafe C) where she would be given a warm welcome and treated as a star.
Miss Scarlet was always personally greeted by proprietor Mr C and whisked with great ceremony to the VIP area , where she would be plied with Champagne and Cocktails .
It was in the early hours of such an evening that Miss Scarlets tale begins

http://scarlet-blue.blogspot.com/2011/08/shriek.html

Following these terrible events . Miss Scarlet was banned for life from Cafe C by an enraged Mr C . His cherished Golden Pussy smashed to a million pieces and not to mention that his long suffering kitchen bitch was mullered and horror of horrors he may have to do the washing up himself.

The heavy burden of guilt and over consumption of hobnobbs finally took its toll as a frankly deranged Miss Scarlet , wheeled a fading Beast to Lyme Regis beach and our final sorry scene plays itself out

Beast sensing the end was near , finally, sensationally spilled the beans on the true events of that disastorous evening .
On the fateful night Miss Scarlet had imbibed a little too freely from the magic shot bottle that Mr C was brandishing with his usual abandon .Eventually as dawn broke Beast was ordered to stop malingering at his sink and drive a 'tired and emotional' Miss Scarlet to her sumptuos manor house (obviouslyCow pat juggling can be VERY profitable....who knew!).
Miss Scarlet in her addled state thought it highly amusing to kidnap one of Mr C's golden pussies and imperiously insisted Beasty complied .
On arrival at Vantitty Manor it was Mr BEASTY that was driving......it was Mr BEASTY that dropped and shattered the Golden Pussy and it was Mr BEASTY that sustained a rather pathetic sprained wrist by tripping over one of Miss Scarlets Gnome collection and landing in an ungainly heap in front of the car.
It was at this point a dazed Miss Scarlet came round and rationalised her ridiculous fantasy from the remnants of her drink addled memory , super glued a concussed Beast to a wheelchair and so doomed herself to a downward spiral of festering guilt , thwarted ambition , Dandelion and burdock abuse and brings us finally to this sorry spectacle on the beach.
following these fateful revalations a shocked Miss Scarlet reels back , bosom heaving and eyes spinning as the final horror of the years wasted on misplaced guilt and social death , and collapses sobbing to the sand .
Beast croaks a final 'Think well of me Miss Scarlet and make sure the love mitten goes to a good home' and quietly slips away .
                                                                     *****
epilogue.
As a babbling Miss Scarlet is gently led away by the attendant from the Infomaniac Home for the Permanently Bewildered for  years of painful tap dance and mime therapy, No one notices a supposedly expired Beast leap up from the sand and sprint for the number 57 bus departing for Bridport and all points west .
Two weeks later as the whole sordid story hits the press (The Dorset Echo) a furious Mr C is seen combing the local towns for signs of the duplicitious Beast , carrying a box containing 5,476 bits of shattered golden pussy and a large tube of super glue. He has vowed to hunt Beast down and make him stick every damn piece of the beloved feline into its correct and propper place.
As the sun set over Swanage sewerage works ,  Mr C raises his head and howls at the rising moon .
                                                                        ****

CLUEDO

2011-05-05T19:32:00.000Z

A hinous crime has been committed at The Beasts Lair .
Remember this

The FGES were left, gently airing on the clothes line to remove the fecund aroma of colonials that even a boil wash and spirited scrubbing would not remove.
I returned from a hard day at work , to be confronted with this

If I were a Cluedo playing man (Which I am not as its a tedious load of old knackers) I would be guessing at
Miss Scarlet
In the Garden
With a clothes peg.

The thieving baggage has had it away with the sainted shorts and fingered an innocent into the bargain.
I blame the influence of Miss MJ !

CALAMITY AND CASTERNETS

2011-04-26T20:04:00.000Z

You may be wondering what has kept our hero Beast away for so long.
Work my friends and lashings of it , peppered with calamitous events that would try the patients of a saint.

It all started when an exhausted Beast , just finishing cleaning the restaurant , kitchens , toilets and garden following a particularly drunken party , judging by the sticky floors and array of disgarded clothing (peculiarly there was a singular , rather expensive stiletto shoe hanging from a bush in the garden which has yet to be claimed). Suddenly the Beasts mobile telophonic device pinged urgently . It was Mr C ringing from his penthouse master suite , ordering Beast to feed his assortment of paraqueets and chickens in the outside aviary. Sadly during this delicate operation the Beast failed to secure the door correctly and the feathered fiends escaped.
There ensued terrible harangue number one.
The Beast was then instructed to move Mr C's beloved Golden Pussy to its correct position guarding the exit to the lavs. During this procedure the whole fecking front leg fell off.
There ensued terrible harangue number two .Accusations of senility , ham fisted blundering and pure unadultorated idiocy where mentioned .

The following weekend the Beast turned up on the Friday evening to be informed I needed to compile a menu for an authentic luxury spanish Tapas Buffet for 40 people the next night , and following my performance last week it had better be good.
On enquiring as to what the Cafe C professional chef had come up with , I was told he had firstly had an asthma attack , followed by an attack of the vapours and then sobbed pitifully . Mr C had taken an executive decision that it was The Beasts problem and sauntered off for a celebratory drink (with adoring entourage).
On Mr C's unsteady return , I stomped downstairs brandishing my impromptu menu for perusal and approval of a somewhat boisterous and cantankerous Mr C . It didnt start well when Mr C shouted 'Oh god I feel a NO FUN ZONE approaching as he downed another shot and wobbled alarmingly on his bar stool.
It is at this point I would like to offer a bit of advice .
Do Not, under any circumstances try to explain your Tapas Menu to a group of pissed people.
The sniggering was bad enough when we got to the succulent pork balls but was nothing to the general guffawing and catcalls that ensued with the classic Sausage In Cider (Just say it out loud) .This was when I gave up and retired to my kitchen , muttering dark oaths and cursing the day Mr C was expelled into this life .
The next day went by in a maelstrom of post party clean up and kitchen bitchery . It was only when I had calmed a gibbering chef with encouraging words and pints of sweet tea , planned out the buffet preparation schedule and set the chef making a rice salad (The catering equivalent of basket weaving) , I popped up to check timings and stuff with Mr C . Only to be informed I had another buffet for twenty the next day (Sunday) .
I hope your going to be up early ???? I ventured somewhat alarmed .
Oh yes we will be up nice and early said Mr C and finished off with something muttered .
Being a veteran of conversations with Mr C , I realise the muttered ending was by far the more important part of the sentence and demanded to know what it was . After much weedling and shouting I winkled it out of the devil.
The muttered part was " becuase we are flying out to Barcelona at 7 am"
Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK ....... a buffet to get through tonight with a chef on the edge of a nervous breakdown
Another buffet tomorrow after cleaning the whole place following tonights festivities , followed by a second clean up, and no doubt looking after the dogs for a week as well .
****REPEATS FUCK CHORUS AND DOES A LITTLE DANCE****
Mr C was only saved from a cataclysmic explosion by the arrival of that nights entertainment. The (geriatric) Flamenco Dancers.I am not sure wether the rattlings and clackings where casternets or their false teeth and joints . In the event Mr C had been handing out the free shots , so I dont think anyone much cared .
Therefore my lovelys its been a busy few weeks

WALKIES!

Oh and guess what arrived

Oh yes , ITS THE FGES . Hurrah !
they have been disinfected and the gusset has been scrubbed .
More of them anon

LUNAR LAZINESS

2011-03-31T20:15:00.001Z

Well ! the flipping bare faced cheek of you all . You can blame the brain warping effect of the Extreme Super Moon if you wish , but the Beast recognised sheer Laziness when he sees it .
Nearly everyone dragged themselves away from scratching their nether regions or picking their noses and sent me their Tin Foil Hat entries.......most of which they had already used for Mr IVD's compo nearly a year ago.
Shame on all of you
There fore I have two winners
The Lovely Princess who entered the sole original entry

Congratulations your royal highnessness and thank you.
The second prize is for honesty and gold plated fur lined ocean going laziness .
Miss Scarlet wins for mailing me that she couldnt be arsed to make a hat , but could manage a cup of tea.......and even had the brass neck to send me a picture of the cuppa (Which I lost in a fit of hotmail related sausage fingeredness).
So.....
Congrats to our winners who will both win an exclusive Cafe Jagos Drunk and Gorgeous Tshirt *.
Please mail size and addresses
*Nothing is ever straight forward , we have to wait for our Cafe C couturier to fix their diamante machine.Oh yes it has diamante.

To the rest of you . Sloth is one of the seaven deadly sins
and this is a sloth

which is something entirely different.
But your all doomed
So there!

Update . As XL has been un doomed and is not AS lazy as the rest of you . Here is his hat

The rest of you are still doomed

EXTREME MOONING

2011-03-15T20:40:00.000Z

Now this is not the one of your colonial blogs and we dont expect to see this sort of thing on Beastbite.
We are discussing this

More specifically the approaching Extreme Super Moon (or Lunar Perigee-syzygy for the more atronomically minded) On the 19th of March the Sun Moon and Earth will be in direct alignment .The moon will be the closest its been to the earth for 19 years at roughly 221,000 miles(for those who use a holy measure) and 356,000 km for the heathen scum .
Some claim this will lead to increased volcanic and earthquake activity during the 'cataclysmic window' which starts this wednesday for a week . Lets hope these moaning minies are wrong .
~~Miss Scarlet~~ Others claim the additional gravitational pull warp their brains
Just to be on the safe side I think that old favourite The Tin Foil Hat Competition may be in order

There fore boys and girls , anyone who wishes to send me a picture of their tin foil confections will have them published forthwith.
Beastch@hotmail.co.uk.

If you meet anyone in the next week who claims to be able to pick up the BBC Home Service on their anal beads , just smile sweetly and maintain firmly that you believe radio waves to be the work of the devil .Just put it down to gravitational warping and stress (Or you may have just met IVD)

Anyway we digress .Stay safe and well my proud young beauties.

GIRLS ARE A BIT THICK

2011-03-03T21:16:00.000Z

Lets face it , political correctness aside , its true isnt it .
Have you ever seen them trying to use the self service tills at the supermarket . Jeezus a trained chimp would be quicker and less confused.....just saying
And dont get me started on map reading

Meanwhile somewhere in the colonies

:-)

ARTISTISTIC IMPRESSION

2011-02-28T07:46:00.000Z

MJ ???

Discuss

LIPS AND ARSE

2011-02-21T21:15:00.000Z

There are times when a health filled salad or a virtuous repast of steamed chicken with a whisper of broccoli are just not enough.
What the Beast craved is what the marketing gurus would have you believe is prime minced fillet steak lovingly prepared in a silky onion gravy ,encased in a feather light pastry rolled on the thighs of nubile young virgins , complemented with a curative portion of golden fried pomme de terre..... the reality is a flaccid leaden crust encasing a turgid dollop of minced lips , arse and eyelids slapped on a limp pile of lard soaked spuds

Do you know what
Fuck the clamouring hordes of holier than thou vegetarians ,organic oddballs and health food nazis
It was good , I mean really flipping good.
What my lovelys is your guilty food secret ???

Posted using BlogPress from my Ifad :-)

DICHOTOMY

2011-02-09T21:33:00.000Z

You may be wondering what exactly poor Beast has to put up with every weekend slaving in the bowels of Cafe C.
I was toying with the idea of demonstrating my weekend in the form of interprative dance , sadly my leotard is in the wash.Therefore you will have to put up with .
A weekend at Cafe C in a wacky collage of images.

The day starts like this

There is plenty of this

Then there is some of this

followed by

And what you may ask is Mr C doing while all this is going on

There is often more of this to get all the things Mr C forgot to tell me about the first time

There is often some of this

And what you may ask is all this for.

Well . for this

Oh yes..... and this

Generally it ends like this

And so we start again

100 million years of evolution

and it comes down to this

****sigh***

WHO ATE ALL THE PIES??

2011-02-01T21:11:00.000Z

Another week rushes by .
The Beast was promised Saturday Evening and a whole Sunday off(The first day off for about 5 months ). Sadly that vapourised before my eyes on Saturday afternoon.I was gutted :-(
Following a sunday of manhandling speaker stacks , furniture and Mr C's golden pussies , we set off to deliver James and the girls to Taunton bus station for their connection to the North Devon Coast.
Would you flipping believe it we missed the fecker and had to drive all the way there (another 40 minutes each way) .
Jamesd kindly invited us in for a cuppa before the return leg. On entering the kitchen , James's Ma peered at me and said
'Have we met???'
They all chorused 'Yes its Beast'
She peered at me again and said off course it was , it must be all THAT WEIGHT I HAD GAINED that caused her to not reconise me
WTF ?????

***General hilarity from James , the girls and Mr C***

She then made tea and proffered a plate of biscuits....adding quite unecesarilly in my opinion as she pointedly glared at me , that the garibaldi's where the lighter option

WTF 2 ????

***More general hilarity from the gathered throng***

I then had to put up with Mr C sniggering in a very irritating manner all the way back to Dorchester.

However there is some good news . Mr Coppens has finally packaged up the Freakin Green Elf Shorts and they will shortly be winging their way accross the Atlantic .
I now just have to keep them out of the grip of Miss MJ's Sphincter and all will be well.
That doesnt sound right does it ?
Miss Scarlet will no doubt be loitering outside Cafe C trying to waylay the postman .
She loiters in vain dear reader as wisely the shorts are being delivered to a secret location somewhere in Dorset

WHAT HAS THE BEAST BEEN DOING

2011-01-24T21:55:00.000Z

Mr C's latest obsession is swimming , so as you can imagine the Beast is regularly frog marched to the local spa and forced in the pool , all the time listening to Mr C waffling on about being a babe magnet as EVERYONE is looking at him in his swimming togs .
This could of course be because he is a babe magnet (Miss Scarlet was certainly smitten or that may have been the bubbly)
Equally it could be the somewhat snug fit
It may be that from the rear it looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
I , of course could not posibly comment

In other news a sun bronzed Frobisher has returned from Tenerife and rushed straight back on stage to perform that Mavis and his whirling balls Magic

There have been plenty of parties
There have been a few scraps and flounces
The Beast washed the vacuum cleaner
And that my lovelies is that :-)

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN

2011-01-08T23:42:00.000Z

This evening I staggered off into the freezing night , begrimed with sweet chillie chicken and reeking of chip fat , wanting nothing more than a hot shower , a calming mug of ovaltine and surrender to the sweet embrace of my fragrant duvet .
However I was shocked to the core on finding the following item jauntilly flapping in the frigid breeze from my car roof ariel.

What can this mean!!!
I opened the car door with a cloth in case some drooling pervert had been licking the door handles and locked the doors pretty quick.
Can the Beast expect more 'tokens' ????
Will a boil wash fade the pattern???
Are they the right size ?????
If they are the right size ....is that even more worrying ??????

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2011-01-01T21:37:00.000Z

As the doors were flung open for the celebrated Cafe C New Year's Party we were all rather suprised by the attention grabbing entry of a very special guest .

Oh yes it was our very own Miss Scarlet , exclaiming breathlessly
Golly ! all this fuss , I was aiming for Incognito as she casually flung her feather boa over a fuming Mavis and was whisked to Mr C's private table to be plied with Champagne . I off course was immediatley ordered to the kitchen to supply a selection of tempting treats in case Miss Scarlet should feel a mite peckish .
At this point I shall draw a veil over the evenings festivities
Wild Rumours of rampant transvestism , frenzied belly dancing , maruading lesbians , carousing and drunken singing abound .
I could not possibly confirm or deny

What happens in Cafe C. Stays in Cafe C.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Heres wishing you all a prosperous , healthy and happy 2011 and thank all my blogging chums for their continuing support .

MERRY XMAS

2010-12-25T15:30:00.001Z

I hope you are all having a relaxing and merry Christmas . The Beast feverishly unwrapped his presents this morning to find this horror . Hand made by Ma Beasty at her WI arts class or it may have been her AA rehabilitation course that nice judge Insisted she went to , when she was caught trying to shoplift a 50 pound frozen turkey from lidl's in the gusset of her tights . One suspects the hand of Mr C in this doomed adventure with his current crusade to ' rationalize and streamline the Cafe C cost base to within acceptable parameters' .....
One also suspects this involves armies of old ladies and small children liberating stock from every retail outlet within free bus pass range of Dorchester.
Anyway I digress , would anyone like to hazard a guess as to what the hell this is ??? And inform us as to the best and worse of this years presents

- Posted using BlogPress from my Ifad :-)

PERFECT PRESENT

2010-12-21T10:49:00.000Z

Dont you just love it when you find THE perfect christmas present for a dear friend.
At last Miss MJ will have a stylish phone case to match her much loved shoes :-)

THAT FESTIVE FEELING

2010-12-12T22:28:00.000Z

Only another week of parties to go
Hurrah!
See you all soon

WOT I DID ON MY DAY OFF BY BEAST

2010-11-23T22:00:00.000Z

On saturday we were all going on a day trip to Jersey one of the chanel islands that is unfortunatley close to France. As we all gathered at Cafe C, Frobisher was locked in lavatory refusing to come as he felt a bit rough.
We left , his wailings and gnashings echoeing around an empty Cafe.
Where upon we Rushed to Weymouth and boarded the luxury fast catamaran to all points west

The captain and horny handed sailor types , cast off , pointed the sharp end at France and powered up the engines , as we set about a hearty breakfast in the restaurant.
As we speeded away from the motherland , Dolphins and errr cows frollicked in the wake

Actually I made up the cows , but there were dolphins , which was so exciting.
As the captain chirpily promised , the 3 hour crossing was a little choppy and we all felt a little queasy , but everyone heroically managed to keep the breakfast down.

We arrived in Jersey and sallied forth to the nearest Cafe ,where we had a spirited arguement about what to do with our 4 hours ashore

Sista C won with his suggestion of going to the zoo.
Altho there was initial dissent it was magically unanimously supported once he threatened to report all of us for attempting to smuggle drugs on the return journey . There is much to be said for the power of prayer.

The Zoo was rather cool.
My particular favourites were

1.The Infomaniac sponsored fruit bat pavilion . The bats were like little insectile dogs ,they came creeping accross there rope bridges to have a good look at us when we came to the viewing window I like to think I am regarded as a god by this particular species as it was obviously me they wanted to see.

2.The Gorilla enclosure . This was very cool indeed , you got so close to them and got a real sense of their power and strange human similarities I could have stayed there all day.

Unfortunatley , there were no dugongs

Eventaully we raced back to the port and boarded the catamaran for the return journey to Weymouth . Once again the captain chirpilly informed us it was going to be a 'lively' crossing , but as I had been necking seasick pills I downed a hearty dinner, chain smoked duty free fags and quaffed a foaming mug of cuppacino in the howling gale on the aft deck for most of the voyage.
Some of our party did not fare so well , Janes digestive tract rebelled about an hour into the crossing as we bounced and rolled past Guernsey

There is an old saying
'Worse things happen at sea'
I am afraid poor Jane proved this to be the case :-(

CREDIT CRUNCHED

2010-11-15T21:19:00.000Z

In these cash straightened times , the Beast is doing his bit and publishing the dishevelled state of his underwear as a potent symbol of the austerity measures that are expected to be adopted by us all.There will be no frivolous expenditure at the Beast Lair or Cafe C until strong green shoots of recovery are clearly visible or the elastic finally gives out !

Even the Beast has had to take additional employment delivering publicity flyers for the fame hungry Mavis Boyle.
I am relaxing on Miss MJ's favourite fireside rug basking in the glow of a blazing pile of them as we speak.
Mavis may not have reached out and touched the lives of the thousands she had hoped , but has kept an old Beast cozy on a freezing night.
And that gentle reader should be enough for anyone !
Sleep well my lovelies

WHEELS WITHIN WHEELS

2010-11-02T21:52:00.000Z

The Beast has eyes and ears everywhere and is aware of the unholy alliances being formed to attempt to waylay the Freaking Green Elf Shorts from reaching their rightful master.
Miss Scarlet , a blogeress from darkest Devon appears to be at the centre of the axis of evil.
I submit the following surviellance photos into eveidence
1. Miss Scarlet conspires with notorius international agitator and Madonna fan ,Petra of Denmark

Notice Miss Scarlet sending secret messages to her watching minions by flashing semaphore with her tartan knickers

2. Miss Scarlet takes a secret meeting with Canadian Floozie and fellow FGES covetor Miss MJ

Notice the symbol for super secret crime organisation Spinchter on the wall behind Miss Scarlet.
Miss MJ (Code Name Infomaniac) is rumoured to be the insane mastermind behind this cartel of criminality and smutt . Its tendrils are believed to penetrate the very fabric of modern society from Aviation
(Infomaniac Air) , the arts (The Infomaniac Dancers) and liesure (The Infomanic House of Beauty) etc etc.
Only a finely honed Beast stands alone against this gathering storm

Pick your side and your reason dear reader and hang the consequences

BLESSED

2010-10-31T21:41:00.000Z

It has been a week of miracles .
Firstly The Beast has won The Freakin Green Elf Shorts and they will be travelling back to the UK . I expect the economic woes to dissapate and peace and love to blossom as the sainted garment lands on our shores.

Secondly Mr C has found God (would have thought the all seeing all knowing diety could have dodged that one) and now wants to be known as Sister C of the Steaming Panini , and will offering a free confession with every sambuca shot purchased.

Whatever next , a virgin birth from Mavis during a live Bingo set ???

FUCKING SCALLOPS

2010-10-28T21:24:00.000Z

I hate bollocking frozen scallops . Cafe C does a marvellous line of salad bowls .The Beast looks on these as an artistic challenge and has managed to give the impresion of an opening flower with the payload gently nestled in the magic fronds , glistening tomatoes , a constellation of assorted salad vegetables and studded with black olives
I just realised that sounds almost pornographic , however we digress , The one salad bowl that almost makes me run screaming down Dorchester high street with my chef trousers on my head is Pan Seared FUCKING SCALLOPS
Bastard frigging things
***does angry dance***
Some bastard always orders one when I am up to my neck in smoking paninii , steaming jackets , bubbling Carribean chicken curry and bleating waitresses.
One day soon , something will snap and I will fly from the kitchen and beat the happless diner to death with the frozen bag of fishy fiends.
Just sayin !

Freakin Competition

2010-10-18T21:50:00.003Z

If Old Knudsen were King and Miss Mj were Queen!

SAME OLD SCHTICK

2010-10-12T20:38:00.002Z

Well dear readers you may have been wondering whats been happening to The Beast of late . I can exclusivley reveal...... much the same as usual.
Its been one long round of work , work and more work .

It was decided that iether Cafe C or Mr C needed a facelift , with limited time and a credit crunched budget Mr C was packed off with great wadges of masking tape and a bulldog clip at the back of his neck holding everything in place cunningly hidden under a cartwheel hat with stuffed animals and piles of fruit on top

The far easier and cheaper option of revamping the Cafe exterior was taken. Marvel dear reader at Mr C's golden sconces

Other Cafe C related news.

We had a health inspection and managed to blag FOUR FECKING GOLD STARS.......how cool is that.

A frankly barking Mavis Boyle made a comeback

Mavis was last seen cavorting on stage and going down a storm with the assembled rug munchers

Mavis/Frobisher confided to me next morning that they found it hard to believe he wasnt born a natural woman..... make of that gentle reader what you will!

On the whole Cafe C has been a happy ship sailing the high seas of culinary excellence heaving to on occasion to phillibuster the local competition , and possibly scrape Captain C's barnacles .This is blatantly an excuse to bandy that old nautical favourite His bottom is foul (look it up....the term dumbass not Mr C's FOUR FECKING GOLD STAR HYGENICALLY CLEAN bottom)

However we have had our instances of discord , just this past weekend The Beasts fantastical plate dressing skills were called into questions......and cross words were had

Anyway (Piggy's favourite word) , onwards and upwards as our happy clappy American chums would have it , and apart from the odd unforseen incident (An unfortunate trainspotting outburst from James on Taunton Station...I was mortified)

Everything is going great :-)

ETERNAL DAMNATION

2010-09-20T19:20:00.000Z

Not wishing to offend anyone or risk being cast for all eternity into the bowels of hell ....... To be quite frank the current pope freaks me out :-(

FEVERED IMAGINATION

2010-09-13T16:31:00.002Z

The Beast will be back blogging shortly , but I just had to share with you the conclusions of many hours wondering where Miss Scarlet and MJ had dissapeared to at the same time.Add to this a few shots of absynthe , a camera phone , a hippy picture a few barbies and

The Beast Proudly presents

MJ and SCARLS BIG ADVENTURE PART 1

***Thanks to young Midge for the loan of her barbies and Barbie mobile

BUSY

2010-08-06T07:41:00.000Z

Summer season is upon us . Cafe C is going balistic and I also have a major project at propper work that is coming to a spectacular climax (ooher !).
As if the long hours ,stress and buzzing about between Bournemouth and Cafe C were not bad enough , I have also been having problems sleeping as I cracked a rib a few weeks back and mullered my shoulder and am in constant pain. I even had to resort to wearing a girdle of sorts to hold everything in place and stop further damage.....much to the delight of Mr C , who finds the whole thing hilarious .
Its going to be pretty busy for the next few weeks and I will blog when time allows (Which isnt looking good at the moment) .So my lovelies , stay happy and healthy and I will be back amongst you as soon as the maddness settles down :-)

SHORTS

2010-07-14T20:42:00.001Z

Ma and Pa Beastly have been to stay . To keep the devils occupied and stop them rearranging the furniture every time I turned my back , we went on a little road trip to Westbay , adjacent to Mr Mutleys much loved Bridport.

Poor old Ma Beasty had done her shoulder in and was shuffling about like quasi modo (not that we laughed or took the piss......much mwa ha ha ha ) . It was as Pa Beasty took this picture , I noticed his shorts . They look rather nice , I said suspiciously , as Pa Beasty usually dresses like worzel gummidge
oh these are just some old rag I found in the wardrobe , he preened
But WHOSE wardrobe sniggered Ma Beasty sotto voice
I couldn't believe it the old devil had pinched my favourite Bench shorts

Pa Beasty posing in his Pilfered shorts.
Anyway short of debagging the swine , I had to leave it and get on with the rest of the day .We had a very nice lunch on the quay , wanderered about (a lurching shuffle in Ma Beasties case ***snigger***) and eventually retired to Dorchester to the Cafe C garden for a dorset cream tea hosted by an uncharacteristically jovial Mr C .
Replete with their free tea I then had to endure the fossils waxing lyrically all the way home about how Mr C was always their favourite son , so polite , funny and industrious..blah blah blah... Not like the rest of us dull , work shy deadweights .
I tried in vain to point out he wasn't actually their son , which was summarily dismissed as a mere accident of biology , genetics and location.....bloody cheek!

In more Cafe C news . Saturday was going so well until the oven door exploded.
I off course got the blame.:-(
So a typical week . Robbed . Disowned.Wrongfully accused ....oh and I cracked a rib staggering about with the Cafe C Stage .
But am I bitter
HELL YES!
**** kicks next doors cat***

DISCONNECTED

2010-07-02T07:02:00.001Z

The Beasts Lair is 'sans Interwebs' at present as the 'connection has got in a knot' or somesuch technical nonsense.
I am assured that a highly trained team of technicians is Beavering* away to restore my connectivity (and bring balance to the force ****Beast waves rubber light sabre about and makes Star Wars noises*** )

*This was blatantly just a ploy to show yet another picture of Miss MJ's beaver

Update 8/7 . Still without Internet . spent hours on the phone to various different levels of Talktalk support ....going round and round in circles grrrrrrrrrr. I shall just sit and gaze at MJ's beaver and hope divine intervention strikes :-(

GOING GA GA

2010-06-21T20:29:00.000Z

-Do you know I haven't got a clue what to post about.I could waffle on about the Cafe C weekend shenanigans .
James got a groin strain dirty dancing with 25 Drunken young women inexplicably dressed as Lady Ga Ga.(the ladies not James...he was dressed as Dame Judy Dench as usual , he has not got the legs for it but will he listen to reason)
Mr C burnt my lovingly prepared tapas canapes ( I say lovingly prepared....I opened the box and placed them on a lightly greased tray for god sake ).
Frobisher was festering at the sink as another act had been booked instead of Mavis , I could hear him muttering about rubbish singing and huffing at the jokes as he moodily slung the washing up about in the sink . Mr C sneaked in the kitchen and warily eyeing Frobisher said loudly
"I can smell something BITTER"
and then ran off before he was decapitated by a plate

The lovely Miss Marsh was guesting at the bar , but luckily no underpants when missing this time. There are rumours of ghastly gastric incidents following her culinary experiments , which have resulted in furtive flushings of said begrimed undergarments , or maybe she steals them and spends her Sunday evenings dancing sound with them on her head....sniffing , they do strange things in Basingstoke.

Then again I could just sit here
And do nothing
Harumph!
Posted using BlogPress from my Ifad :-)

SLINGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE 2

2010-06-14T18:40:00.000Z

Miss MJ patron saint of saggy nekkid old men , incontinence and "aromatic" cake has been cruelly forced from our lives.

Where else will I discover tea bagging isn't just getting aerobic with ones afternoon tea , or the wisdom of giving your slice of cake a quick sniff and inspecting the icing for butt prints before digging in.
In short dear reader Miss MJ has enriched all our lives and shown us things that we would never usually have seen ( and frankly on some occasions , ignorance really can be bliss).
So get your sorry butts over to Mr Eroswings who is taking on corporate America and championing Miss MJ's cause.

Hands off Miss MJ fat cat Mr Google , she may be a smutty old bag , but she is OUR smutty old bag AND WE WANT HER SCRUBBED AND SENT TO OUR ROOM
Posted using BlogPress from my incontinencepad :-)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAFE C

2010-06-07T19:38:00.001Z

-Cafe C has been open for two years this week . Once the wild exclamations of fuck me ! why havnt we been closed down??? And the hysterical laughter ( hysterical sobbing on the part of my bank manager) calmed down we got down to the serious business of planning a party.
And what a party it was! An eclectic bill of acts was kicked off with a blissfully short burst of Tranaoke followed by our very own Mavis . Mavis was soon joined on stage by the indescribable Jodie Farce ( look her up on utube) . I was perplexed on how best to describe Miss Farce , I think the phrases " enthusiastic " and " over excited" probably best describe it . MEmories are long and traditions deep rooted in a county town like Dorchester , had Miss Farce performed like this 200 years ago , she would have been dragged from this place and burnt at the stake for demonic possession , Not wanting to risk a throwback Mavis had to storm the stage after three numbers and throw the harpy off , and still the baying crown till our headliner Candy Slag took control. the evening entertainment was rounded into the wee small hours by the dulcet tones of Jack Daniels .
what of our favourite kitchen tyrant and proprietor Mr C...... Bizarrely he drank water all night and didn't shout once. Had I not been up to my neck in steaming pannini and dirty glasses I think I would have been a little freaked out by this.
Sunday was spent cleaning up (me and James) and lounging on the sofa like a super annuated Joan Collins , demanding drinks and food at regular intervals(Mr C ). Finally I got home on Sunday evening to play with my Ipad .
What gentle reader did you get up to ???

Posted using BlogPress from my Ifad :-)

iPad

2010-06-06T19:54:00.001Z

Wooooo hoooo just got an iPad . Will be back tomorrow when I have finished fiddling :-)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Stamford Rd,Bournemouth,United Kingdom

JUST A QUICKIE

2010-06-02T07:35:00.001Z

The Beast is without a laptop at present or 'Sans PC' for those with ghastly european tendencies .Stabbing away at my Iphone with big old sausage fingers just does not do it for me .
So
You will just have to amuse yourselves till I pry my laptop back from Mr C's avaricious grasp , him having banjaxed his own laptop in an unpleasant pineapple related incident(Dont ask , it could put you off of fruit salad for life)

EAGER BEAVER

2010-05-27T12:03:00.001Z

In the early hours of monday morning Beast was dragged from beneath his fragrant Duvet by the insitant ringing of the Beast phone to be summoned to an ailing Miss MJ's assistance .
As the Betty Ford swat team tightened the last strap and manhandled Miss MJ off for 'a long rest' , Beast was given instructions to look after Miss MJ's favourite pet for the duration.

This bad tempered , evil smelling brute is now making the Beasts life a mysery .It has so far demolished the Beasts nest of occasional tables to build a dam in the bath and is eyeing my classic oak dining table in a very nasty way. To keep the little swine out of trouble I have taken to wearing it strapped to my head as a hat.If it was good enough for Davey Crocket its good enough for me.

Relations had been a little cool with Miss Scarlet of late after the buttered buttocks/patio doors incident , that resulted in Miss S knocking off a very terse letter of complaint to Mr C advising that propper staff training and tighter stock control at Cafe C would have prevented a nasty situation and some very stubborn stains.She has however recognised the comedic potential of my current house guest and has taken to late night anonimous phone calls where she breathes in a variety of ridiculous accents "Nice Beaver Mr Beastie" and then guffaws loudly .

One has to excuse Miss Scarlet sometimes . She lives in the middle of a field in darkest Devon where this type of behaviour and whittling mangle wurzels passes for entertaining evening in until television reception arrives (expected Late 2015) .In case your wondering a Devonian evening out usually involves a portable BBQ and shovel and scraping something up off the road.

However I digress , I am sure you will all join me in wishing Miss MJ a speedy return to her Mojo .

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED

2010-05-17T19:17:00.000Z

As if working seven days a week , enduring Mr C's 'Tough Love' bipolariod management techniques and Frobisher's alterego Mavis publically ripping me to shreds every time I venture from the safety of my kitchen to deliver trays of spotless glasses and crockery to the bar wasn't bad enough . Cafe C has a new torture to make my working hours a living nightmare .
TRANIEOAKE
Oh yes , two blokes , two wigs, two glittery frocks , a karaoke machine and not a functioning vocal cord between them.
It would have made me weep if I wasnt tone deaf

TECHNOLOGICAL TANTRUMS

2010-05-05T20:36:00.000Z

A work chum of the Beast was bragging of buying a Robot vacuum cleaner.The Beast is troubled by this on two fronts . Firstly being a bit of a puritan , the Beast values the cathartic experience of cleansing ones environment with a vigorous thrashing around with the dyson.
Secondly , the Beast has previously had a rather bad experience with autonomous gadgets.
A few years back I bought the newest gadget on the block , the Tivo TV recorder , it downloaded its own TV guide and made decisions about what programs to record for you by monitoring what you were watching/recording. (The prerunner for todays sky plus boxes)
It all started well enough , the Beast would have a nightly feast of comedy , sci fi and documentories that the Tivo had selected for my pleasure . Sadly this idyllic state of being was not to last . Within a month the dratted object began developing a little personality disorder of its own and started an obsession with crap teenage soap Hollyoaks . This became so bad that it began bumping things of my record list to record yet more hollyoaks repeats and omnibus editions untill it eventually refused to record anything else .................and do you know what..........the damn thing looked smug.....
The Beast decided on decisive action and scoured the manual and found a very well hidden option in the depths of the menu system where you could select a program and forbid that is ever recorded again .
Well this caused a mexican standoff for a couple of weeks were the devil box sulked and refused to record anything , but it eventually buckled and began recording my requests again .......but I knew all was not well , I used to catch it twittering to itself when I left the room , I could see it through a crack in the door , thinking it was alone , lights would flash , disks would grind and wirr and it would stop the minute I walked back in. I just knew it was plotting .Eventually the Hollyoaks recordings started again, just the odd one occasionally and then it went completely bats and the whole total Hollyoaks wipe out started again.
The battle ensued for months , forbidding Hollyoaks , the sulking , running down in the night to disconnect the blasted thing from the mains when I heard it twittering and plotting in the wee small hours.
Eventually I could take no more and a final trip to the dump bought the whole sorry episode to an end.
Now just imagine the havoc a rogue autominous vacuum cleaner could wreak , sneaking about tripping you up , hiding in cupboards and flying out when you least expected it and attaching itself to various parts of you anatomy and giving you a very nasty suck..noisily mounting the Dyson on the fireside rug whle you have the Vicar round for tea .As Mrs Pouncer would say....its beyond reason
This is one gadget the Beast will be giving a very wide birth !
What paranoid luddite fantasies are you nurturing dear readers ????

NORDIC NAUGHTINESS

2010-04-15T19:37:00.000Z

Not content with pinching our savings in the great Icesave swindle ,thus forcing poor Frobisher to earn a few extra pennies to supplement his meagre pension desporting himself of an evening dressed as a lady. Those Zany Icelanders are at it again

On this occasion the devils are wafting a great cloud of volcanic ash over the UK .This has not only bought our aviation industry to a grinding halt .It will probably add insult to injury and probably drop a foul mess all over poor Mr C's newly steam cleaned pristine back passage.

As an antidote to all this appalling behaviour The Beast scoured the interwebs for amusing facts about Iceland.
In short there don't seem to be any .....except (get ready to tape up those splitting sides)

ICELANDERS DO NOT HAVE SURNAMES

As I wring out my mirth moistened underwear , I noticed that the other interesting fact is that most of the Icelandic forbears came from Norway and Iceland has an abundance of fish
So we know how they amuse themselves on those long dark winter nights(Which last 20 hours)
***Gives knowing nod to Miss MJ***

Miss Scarlets fish finger fan pales in comparison

GOING ROUND THE BEND

2010-04-07T19:38:00.003Z

Easter , Easter , Easter , while all the rest of you are dossing about scratching your nether regions , gorging on cheap and nasty chocolate or aimlessly drifting round garden centres . The Beast was working (Well what a fecking surprise) . The Cafe was rammed Friday and Saturday daytimes and we were jammed solid for the Saturday Rubber Duck Cabaret Nite with an additional Hen Party of 25 shoe Horned in at the last minute for dinner and carousing .Beast cooked , the singers sang , Mavis bingoed and Mr C got plastered.
Easter sunday Beast scraped confetti off the floor and pondered the Easter mysteries , like how come no one bought me an egg......tight ass miserable bastards , but this was soon forgotten when it was announced we were off for a Cafe C visit to Thorpe Park the next day.
After a night of fevered excitement Easter Monday finally dawned , and Beast set off to rendevue with James Mr C and the girls in a car park off the M27 , where we coffee'd and set off .
The Park was busy when we arrived so we bought the fasttrack tickets so we could swan ahead of the polyester clad sweating masses and lord it at the front of the queue. I wanted to buy the really really expensive premium tickets , where I imagine being ceremoniously borne upon a gilded litter towards the front of the queue , with scantilly clad hand maidens scattering rose petals and silvered sugared almonds in my path . Sadly Mr C vitoed this suggestion in favour of more donuts and burgers.
The rides were great and my top three are as follows

Collosus . Its wicked , packed with loops and corkscrews and all with your legs dangling , getting a bit of air to your vitals :-)

Tidal Wave . I love this ride , you get soaked thru to your pants (Underpants for our colonial cousins)

Saw . Themed on the film franchise and features a vertical climb and drop over an overhang with plenty of loops , corkscrews and unexpected drops

There was even more thrills for one of our party as Thorpe Park is right in the flight path of the main take off runway of London Heathrow .Poor James was nearly sick on the crappy 'backwards in the dark' rollercoaster . I think it was a case of over excitement from all those 747's and the like powering overhead . He completely blew his studied nonchelance when he breathlessly squeaked out an impressive list of statistics when one of those new double decker 800 seater Jumbo's lumbered into the sky to sarcastic hoots of derision from Mr C
We all had a marvellous day and were about the last people to be thrown dripping from the park after just one last go on Tidal Wave.
What did you all get up to for the Easter weekend ???
Does anyone know how to get the spellchecker back , its seems to have dissapeared from the blogger toolbar ???

I just realised it wasnt collosus I liked best it was Nemesis Inferno , which was dangly ,loopy , corkscrewy fun

CATCHING UP

2010-03-30T19:29:00.000Z

Beast has been a busy boy and not had much chance to do anything other than work and sleep . regretably I have missed competitions and not got round anyones blogs . By way of making amends I have knocked up a foil hat(For IVD) and mashed it up with a tasteless household object(For MJ) , and that my dear readers is the best I can do for the next few days . So here we go

I HAVE AN ITCHY BUMHOLE - A REBUTTAL....GEDDDIIIIIiT ?????

2010-03-17T19:28:00.000Z

As many a modern celebrity has found to their cost , what started out as just another rather dull evening rapidly went down hill on the discovery of a vile slur suddenly appearing in the published media.

The Beast was pottering around at home , half heartedly perving over Seven of Nine in a rather dull episode of voyager   (Sad....yes , but one has to get ones jollies wherever they present themselves).
Suddenly a thought occured to me that Mr C was about to visit , which I dismissed immediatley as nonsense as a) Mr C hasn't visited for months and b) Mr C's car is fecked at the moment . However dear reader , one should always follow ones gut instincts , and however improbable this may seem , I always know when Mr C is heading my way.....I don't know why , or how , I just do.
When the doorbell started manically ringing 5 minutes later , I knew I had missed my chance to switch all the lights out and hide under the stairs.
I opened the door to the usual whirlwind   . Mr C swept past and began talking ten to the dozen while routing thru the the fridge and simultaniously banging and rattling the toaster , berating me that the cheap peace of crap didnt work , buy cheap buy twice blah , blah , blah(He hadnt plugged it in ) , how the contents of my fridge would shame an anorexic blah , blah , blah(as he piled everything that was in there between two slices of butter slathered toast) , elbowed me away from my PC while giving loud demands for coffee (Not the cheap shit I usually give my guests - mind you) and complaining about my PC.
Then as suddenly as he arrived , Mr C let out a loud belch , jumped up and ***POOF*** was gone , leaving nothing but a dirty plate , an empty mug, a few mayonaisy hand prints and a cloud of scathing insults buzzing in the air like hungry mosqito's to mark his passage.
It was five minutes later that a flurry of sarcastic comments and supportive private messages started arriving from Facebook , as I suddenly realised to my horror I had left myself logged into Facebook , with Mr C at liberty on the PC .
Beastly Fartypants had procalimed to the social networking hordes the legend I HAVE AN ITCHY BUMHOLE
I would like to thank all those fellow 'Sufferers' for your support and  helpful advice and rest assured I will never reveal you affliction to the world ~~FROBISHER~~ and should I ever be struck down with an irrascible sphincter I will definatly boil an onion in milk and then stuff the squidgy mess in my pants or crouch gratefully upon a bag of frozen peas
For sure thats going to happen :-)

THE MANAGEMENT

2010-03-09T14:02:00.000Z

Gentle reader , as you sit quietly relaxing with your herbal tea , music of the 'easy listening' variety and the luxuriant aroma of pot pouri wafting around your ratty brushed nylon housecoat , spare a thought for poor Beast and Mr C wrestling with the rigours of managing the crew at Cafe C , ensuring we provide Dorchesters premier entertaining experience.
Mr C had to quelle an attempted staff mutiny on Saturday and metered out a healthy dollop of 'Tough Love' to all concerned.......In a nutshell ,there was harsh words , sulking , trembling lower lips ,sending homes , a severe dressing down and a final reconciliation .
What was the Beast doing during all this argy bargy you may ask......stoically manning a smoking Panini Machine , marshalling a dizzying array of 'light bite' meals and wrangling the biggest heap of washing up you ever saw.
Saturday Evening's Cafe C Caberet Night was soon upon us . A solid 10 hours of wicked entertainment and wild partying . Our first act , local singer Peggy turned in a stirling performance before falling victim to Mr C's lethal 'Cock in a Frock' cocktail and had to be manhandled sobbing from the building and thrown with her guitar into the back of a waiting Taxi .
This was followed in swift succesion by two Karoakeying Trannies (Their murdering of Bohemian Rhapsody was probably what set a drink addled Peggy a'sobbing.It certainly made me bilious ) and a triumphant Crap Bingo with Mavis.
There was a short interlude before part of Local band the dinner Ladies took to the stage and finally to finish up a stonking evening , there was frenzied dancing to the marvellous mixing of DJ Richie T.

Many hours later As Mr C and James were about to close , one of the late arriving punters made a dash for the loo , had a volcanic gastric incident of the rear end variety , before fleeing the building and waddling off into a bright new dawn. On making this horrific discovery at 5 am , accompanied by exclamations of disgust and plenty of dry heaving the Management Comittee(Mr C and James , as our hero Beast was long ago tucked up in his bed , recharging ready for the morning clean up shift) decided to firmly close the lavatory door and sort it out in the morning.

I arrived fresh from a good nights sleep and an hours commute listening to the Archers omnibus , scurried into the Cafe and headed straight to the Lavatory to empty my straining bladder , on joyfully throwing the door open , I was nearly knocked over by the foul stench and then slowly took in the besplattered horror that was emerging from the fug ..... slammed the door pretty damn quick , wee'd in the garden and started cleaning the restaurant in complete denial of what was lurking beyond the green door.

James stumbled in about two hours later to assist with the cleanup and I realised I iether had to
1)take charge of the situation and 2)advantage of James's befuddled sleep deprived state
or
Face the horrific poo begrimed consequences myself.
Stopping briefly to trawl my memory for the principles of modern management I leapt into decisive action .

1.Frog marched James to the Lavatory door Strong Leadership
2.Shoved a cloth , mop , steaming bucket of bleach water and rubber gloves into James trembling hands Ensure the tools are readily available to do the job
3.Chirped Merrilly 'I am sure you are going to do a marvellous job' Encouragement
4.'As long as your careful where you tread and don't breath Coaching
5.I then held my breath ,
whipped the door open and shoved the happless James in Strong Leadership AGAIN.....I am a natural at this
6.I Popped my head round the door when the choking had stopped and helpfully shouted 'I think you missed some over there ****Gesticulates wildly at nothing in particular*** On going feedback and engagement with the task in hand
7. And eventually held the bucket and made wild promises of cups of tea as James completed his task and dry heaved(Attention seeking) pathetically for a bit Typical post project empty management promises .
As Mr C says , Who was directing the cleanup operation by means of his messenger hand maiden Midge from his Second floor boudoire , Its all about team building

ETTIQUET FOR BEGGINERS

2010-02-28T22:21:00.001Z

On occasion The Beast feels its neccesary to pass on some basic ettiquette tips to ~~Mr C~~ his nearest and dearest.

It is impolite to accept a lift in a persons automotive vehicle , belt oneself in and then proclaim merrilly

"Rather than listen to your usual boring conversation lets play a game"

***SCREWS UP FACE AND BREAKS WIND VIOLENTLY***

"GUESS WHAT I HAD FOR LUNCH ? MWA HA HA HA HA!!!!!"

Next week: Throwing up in Asda's (Wallmart) Car Park with Panache

SWEATING WITH THE BEAST

2010-02-26T12:52:00.000Z

Making soup is simple , so even the culinary challenged can give this a go .
You need
1 spud
1 onion
2 chicken or vegetable stock cubes
1 litre of water
small bag of frozen peas (about 400g)
1 bag watercress
dried or fresh mint (Optional)

1. Peel and chop the onion.
2.Place in a saucepan with a tablespoon of oil or butter , put the lid on and cook on a low heat until the onion goes see through (This is call sweating as it creates it own little onion sauna - so keep that lid on tight about 5 minutes).
3.While your onion is getting sweaty , peel and chop your spud (The smaller you chop it the quicker it will cook)
4.Once your onion is done chuck in the spud , 1 ltr of water and the crumbled stock cubes . Bring to the boil and simmer for 10 - 15 minutes (or until the spud is tender)
5.Chuck in the peas bring back to a simmer and cook on a low heat for 5 minutes.
6.Chuck in the watercress and simmer for another 2 or so minutes . Add the mint and blend to texture of choice .
Obviously smooth and silky gets the cultured vote , but we do have a readership from the colonies where all sorts of disgusting habits abound.
Serve in whatever form takes your fancy , I love it in a big old mug with warm garlic bread for dunking.
Do remember its hot and will burn nekkid flesh so this may limit your choices
Enjoy

BEDRAGGLED

2010-02-22T18:34:00.000Z

It was a dark and stormy night as wind and rain lashed the Beasts Lair . I had managed to wrestle two over excited dogs onto their leads for the dash to the car , and exited the front door in a maelstrom of barking , yanking canine hell (Walkies are just sooooooo exciting). Just as I got into the garden , Alfie yanked really hard on his lead and jerked the keys out of my hand . They sailed directly over my head and landed on the door mat just as the wind slammed the self locking front door.
There was much dancing and cursing as a bedraggled Beast , Alfie and Lloyd were locked out of both the house and the car in the pouring rain. I remembered I had secreted a spare key under one of the array of pots that litter the front garden.....
But which damn pot was it ?????.
There followed much scrabbling , groping , yanking , screaming and shouting in the pitch black (the street lights had decided to switch themselves off , just to add to the misery) .I can report that it is amazing how much slimey ick can accumulate under pots over the winter , eventually I located the key and rescued the car and house keys from the mat .
A soaked , begrimed and vile tempered Beast and his two howling familiars finally departed for Cafe C and promptly got stuck in a two hour traffic jam.
It was not an evening I care to repeat.
Two days later , I was running about getting ready for work , late as usual and the hounds of hell were being contrary . After finally getting them settled , wee'd and watered . I ran out the door and realised just as the door slammed shut that I had grabbed the Cafe Keys rather than my own . So I was now once again locked out of the house and car , and the dogs were locked inside.
Had I replaced the spare key in the garden
Had I f*ck!
****interlude of more dancing , cursing and swearing***
I was now well late and had to march off to work to open all the support desks (Its a 40 minute hike) . Once there I rang several locksmiths , all of the buggers claimed they couldnt fit me in till the next day unless I paid a 5 million pound callout fee but eventually I found one who said its very busy but he could fit me in , in 30 minutes or forget it , so I had to yomp back home in record time.
I was expecting some big old mularkey with skeleton keys or lock drills as I stood wheezing and sweating on the pavement , but the guy hoiked some manky old length of metal tubing from his van , that had been bent into a U shape. Stuck it thru the letterbox and lifted the inner unlocking handle.........it took all of thirty seconds and just goes to show how frighteningly crap these supposedly secure doors are.

Thirty seconds work for £50 quid....the guy must be minted.

The exciting news of the day is that a suspicious looking package was lurking on the door step when I arrived home. Hurrah the pee book prize has finally arrived from Miss MJ

The Beast doesnt need no book to tell him that this majestic specimen is yelling RAW SEX APPEAL................RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR

ITS A DOGS LIFE

2010-02-16T17:44:00.000Z

Mr C informs me that The Baby Jesus is so impressed with his hard work and selfless support of dead wood like myself that a holy decree has been issued demanding that Mr C takes a Pilgramage immediatley to recharge his saintlyness and commune with the angels , James was to accompany him on this spiritual journey to Ali Biceps Club Hanky Spanky in Istanbul and I was to atone for my multitude of sins by looking after the dogs .
As proof of this cannon law he was brandashing what looked suspiciously like a Cafe order stating
Dear Beast .
Shut the fuck up ,and do what I say
or your doomed
Luv
The Baby Jesus
xx
Well I was mighty impressed

So Beast finds himself once again in possesion of the hounds of hell . The last three days have been a whirl of walking , feeding , grooming and prizing treasured posessions from the very jaws of chewed oblivion. Lloyd also has terrible wind.
Alfie the larger of the dogs has taken to following me around as we approach dinner time with his teeth chattering in anticipation , it sounds like casternets.
This has sparked a marvellous idea , with a little choreography , stamping , shouting and much mularkey with a fan , I feel the next 'Crap Bingo with Mavis' could be a very different affair

THE MORNING AFTER - PAULINES STORY

2010-02-10T18:46:00.000Z

It was Friday night at Cafe C . The dreaded Ladies Singles club had booked dinner for 10.
The staff at Cafe C live in terror of these events , as the ladies at best are snappy and menopausal and at worst bitter , drunk , snappy and menopausal .
On such occasions it seems prudent to have an emergency supply of HRT patches , a mop and bucket ,the samaritans hotline and the local roit police swat team on speed dial .
Singles club queen bee Pauline had apparently had a very bad week , and a raging thirst .
When a waspish Frobisher hit the stage for Crap Bingo with Mavis , things soon turned ugly .

Miss P spent the rest of the evening stumbling about insulting and abusing anyone or anything that crossed her path........she was not a happy woman .
Eventually she was carted off by her mates , unceremoniously dumped in a taxi , clutching a sick bucket between her knees (Thoughfully supplied by Cafe C....we always go that extra mile) and waved off with an enormous sigh of relief on our part and a look of pure terror for the poor taxi driver.
One can only imagine the poor womans horror the next morning as memories began crashing through the blinding hangover and friends huffed and cold shouldered exploritory phone calls.

To her credit she ventured out on Sunday , I would guess in shamed disguise , and posted a rather sweet card of apology to all the staff at Cafe C. I for one almost feel sorry for the Ghastly old bag :-).

NEEDS MUST........

2010-02-08T18:09:00.004Z

In more affluent times The Beast Liar was a three dyson household , an upstairs one , a downstairs one and a spare .
A succession of disasters soon thinned the herd . Firstly Mr C kidnapped one of them . When faced with the unspeakable cleaning tasks of Mr C's former residence, Mincer Cottage , the poor thing exploded . The Beast was straight round and harvested its 'organs'.

The upstairs dyson began ailing almost imediatley and wheezed asmatically to an early end at the local dump . Its bits were whipped out and off before the smoking motor had cooled.

As number three began to pine and falter the Beast retired to his shed . Late into the night , hammering , muttering and screamed oaths could be heard until finally , one dark and stormy night , with a final exaltation of
ITS ALIVE MWA HA HA HA HA

FrankenDyson was released into the world

Much could be said of the FrankenDyson , and I am sure a few of my dear readers will identify with this all encompasing description........

It may not be pretty but it sure can suck !

No Offence intended :-)

AMBUSHED

2010-02-02T12:59:00.001Z

During a busy lunch shift on Saturday , one of the girls popped down , peeped round the kitchen door , and asked very sweetly if their adored old Beast could make herself and her sister a Chillie Chicken wrap , as It was their very favourite and I made the best ones EVER.
Obviously I was being buttered up in the most shameless manner , but any child who doesnt learn this skill at an early age deserves to go hungry in my book.A little smarm goes a long way , even a old cumudgeon like Beast had to grumpily surrender to this infantile charm offensive.
Wraps made , plates dutifully dressed , Beast set off up the narrow staircase to Mr C's flat above Cafe C , half way up I had to manouver round a lethally placed dog bowl on one of the steps , holding one plate aloft , the other by my side , twisting and teetering like a demented flamenco dancer , muttering dark oaths about idiots leaving stuff on dark narrow stairs , where any reasonable chap could fall and break his neck , etc etc .
Too late I realised my error , the little swine Lloyd (Mr C's brindle staffy) was waiting , hidden , behind the landing rail .He shot out and snatched the wrap off the 'held aloft' plate and scarpered , leaving a trail of chillie chicken and mixed salad in his wake .
I am furious that I was ambushed by the canine fiend , and am convinced the whole bowl on the stairs mularkey was a carefully planned set up by a calculating criminal mastermind .
In other News , on Saturday night we had our first Cafe C fight .
You know how it is in any small town , posturing twenty something young men , limited supply of attractive young women, add drink ,Crap Bingo with Mavis , the heady aroma of Beasts chocolate fountain and a full moon to the swirling cloud of hormones and you have a powder keg waiting to blow.
The perpertrators were swiftly seperated by an enraged Mr C and frogmarched straight out the door and given a classic dressing down . You have let me down , worst of all let yourselves down and spoiled everyones evening (Especially the birthday girl who ended up with a full glass of red wine tipped iinto her ample cleavage) etc etc ,following a verbal mauling they were eventually sent skulking off into the night under the baleful glare of mine host....Bless.

EXIT STAGE LEFT

2010-01-26T19:21:00.000Z

Another exciting week at Cafe C , a big old thespian (don't get over excited its not a mis spelling this post contains no girl on girl action) approached Mr C with a proposition for booking Cafe C for three nights for performances of an exciting new play featuring an internationally aclaimed cast of seasoned actors , there was wild talk of 50 punters per performance plus additional matinees all lapping up the culture and comestibles of Cafe C's .
Ever the cynic Mr C had already cut through the hyperbole and assumed the 'Internationally aclaimed cast' meant a load of out of work cruise ship hoofers , and that the advertising of a play that was being touted as 'a feel good light hearted comedy about aids' may take a smidgeon of finessing.
Too prove her self proclaimed comedic genuise and oscar winning writing skills to a increasingly dubious Mr C , the writer/director of this masterpeice would perform a stand up spot to open Saturday nights Caberet Nite.

Saturday arrived and following numerous diva like telephone calls our Prima Donna arrived and proceeded to demand various props to ensure a set of such hilarity we would not have a dry seat in the house. Apparently a pot of tea placed on a table on stage is comic gold ......
There is no polite way of saying this but her act was unutterable shite . You and I would be hard pushed to sit and write material that was so dull and utterley unfunny . Within ten minutes Mr C was almost having an embelism and the audience was turning nasty . It was highly likely we were about to have a lynching on our hands . Mr C leapt into action and tasked Beast of hunting down Frobisher and getting him dressed and on stage for an emergency 'Crap Bingo with Mavis' intervention.
I found a half cut Frobisher stumbling about in the garden , rushed him upstairs to change .There ensued a farcical 2 minute make over , as Frobi stumbled about trying to get into panty hose and a dress , James's squealing girls slapped make up on his face and myself and James ran about the house trying to retrieve the wig from Lloyd the staffies jaws

You can imagine the state of 'Mavis' when 5 minutes later, he stormed the stage .

If there are lessons to be learned from all this dear reader its dont attempt to put on panty hose in a hurry if your drunk .
Don't allow 8 year olds to do your makeup.
Dogs and wigs don't mix.

Frobisher set was of course a triumph and rumours of him being booed off stage are wildly exagerated.

The upshot of all these shenanigans is the play is no more
I believe the phrase 'You must be F*cking Joking' featured in spirit if not form.
Mr C informs me he is now off to have an motivational pep talk with his staff

Oh dear!

REVELATIONS

2010-01-18T19:00:00.003Z

I got up on Friday morning and felt flipping dreadful , so I went back to bed and slept most of the day and the next night , and recovered just in time for my Saturday shift at Cafe C .....Phew I here you say dear reader , that was lucky! . I arrived nice and early , so I could make a delicious fresh soup and get all my kitchen prep done , only to find myself locked out in the pouring rain for an hour as Mr C claims to have left the door open for me but some unamed person then locked it. I retired to Starbucks and dripped on their leather upholstelry while quaffing a reviving cup of foam until the waittress arrived to let me in .

Anyway enough of my blethering and on to more pressing medical and pscycological disorders that are currently plagueing Cafe C.

After being lambasted for some minor chicken related incident ,I had cause to raise the issue of Mr C's random mood swings , a cherubic little bundle of joy one minute , a snarling , yelling whirlwind the next.
To my suprise Dr C had already self diagnosed , and claimed emphatically to be suffering from BiPolariod Disorder

I am not medically qualified myself but I imagine this is a variant of bipolar disorder (Patron Saint Kerry Kantona) with the added horror of hanging heamorriods(the smarting of which could explain the sudden bursts of temper.

Myself , I had taken a wild stab in the dark and decided upon demonic possesion If all else failed I was going to try beating Mr C with a bible while shouting the Lords
prayer .
This was obviously the least prefered option during restaurant service.

So thats Mr C sorted , now on to James . It had not gone unoticed that since James got an Iphone , he was often to be found skulking in corners , looking very shifty , fiddling with his internet connection .We jumped to the obvious conclusion that the man was becoming a drooling porn hound , and set about stealing his phone for confirmation at the earliest oppertunity . Imagine our horror to find it was a lot worse than we first thought. Avert your eyes readers of a delicate constitution or nursing mothers....

Oh yes we have outed James as an internet PLANE SPOTTER . His internet links were chocca block with pictures of Jumbo Jets , wings akimbo , undercarraige down or thrusting into the air in a most libidinous manner , plus numerous links to cancelled flight information sites. I think he wanted to be discovered and its an obvious cry for help.

Which brings us to Frobisher . In he staggers on Saturday , totters about like he had accidently filled his trousers and eventually admitted to a bad back and staggered off home . I would imagine the rest of Frobi's weekend went something like this :-)

PS. You will have to excuse any misspellings but the sodding spellchecker has vapourised from my tools bar :-(

WET AND WILD

2010-01-11T18:55:00.000Z

Fantastic news , James was cleaning out under the bar and has found the Love Mitten . I detailed my infatuation HERE.

Oh yes I have learned how to do links , there is no stopping me now.

Otherwise it's been a slow old start to the year , its been freezing cold ,snow and ice everywhere , there was even some attention seeking twit ice skating in the road outside The Beasts Lair the other day . I am assuming attention seeking as he had a film crew from the local news station capturing his tomfoolery for prosterity.It nearly made Mr C choke on his baguette(Thats not a vile euphemism it was cream cheese and bacon) when he saw it on the news having just finished harangueing me on exagerating the ice problem as an excuse for turning up late.....how we laughed (well I did as I executed a near perfect heimlich manouvre and then scraped cream cheese off the tv screen) :-)
What bizzare but timely intervention has saved your bacon dear reader ???

A BRAVE NEW YEAR

2010-01-04T20:21:00.001Z

New Years Eve at Cafe C , Frobishers dreams of a Las Vegas styleee all singing all dancing spectacular lay in tatters at the first sound check .
A disabled Beast was weaving his buffet magic in the kitchen , having previously almost brained himself on the extraction hood , but a mild concussion and profuse bleeding was not going to get between a true artist and his medium . Mr C had contrived a rather ameteur field dressing that was strapped to Beasts head and looked like a bizare victorian bonnet. Still against all odds , the buffet was conjoured , a bitter Frobisher was plied with gin and finally cajouled to the stage , where he proceeded to rip his adoring audience to shreds , stamp on the prizes and abuse the time honoured calls to make his displeasure apparent .For example snarling TWO FAT LESBIANS .....24 * as he glared balefully at the pair of spooning rug munchers on table two . It was like watching the oft rumoured deleted bingo scene from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane . The drunken audience loved it....Doubtless Cafe C has spawned a monster.

*The correct call is of course Two Fat Ladies ....88

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-12-31T12:34:00.000Z

Wishing you all the New Years Eve you desire and a healthy and happy 2010.

Beast will be churning out a luxury buffet for 20 . That frightful old lovey Frobisher will be hamming it up on Stage reprising his role in the hit of the Xmas Season "Crap Bingo with Mavis" .
Mr C will be festering in a corner somewhere nursing a glass of Malibu and working on tomorrows hangover , making occasional forays into the kitchen to lambast poor Beast.
James will be delighting our guests with his hot and spicey chipolatas and firecracker prawn balls(He is seldom without pain , poor thing).
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL
PS : Isn't Miss MJ looking well :-)

SEASONS GREETINGS

2009-12-23T09:29:00.000Z

After a gruelling month , the final slice of Christmas pudding has dissapeared through the doors of the Cafe C kitchen.

Its a Christmas miracle that myself , Mr C , James and Frobisher have all survived with out major incident , mayhem or murder(the sacking incident not with standing).

Beast will be taking a few days of rest and relaxation to recharge and enjoy some quality time with his potted plants , family and friends.

I am Wishing all my blogging chums a relaxing and enjoyable festive season . You have all been a joy and an inspiration to me over the past year and I will be quaffing a foaming tankard in your honour as soon as possible.

A Very Merry Christmas my lovelys

:-)

THE GRAPES OF WRATH

2009-12-13T13:11:00.007Z

Beast cops it !

In the midst of the Christmas party season at Cafe C , stress levels are at an all time high . Inevitably a tired and blundering Beast was gonna get it . Friday night , the meals were flying out the door and Mr C was like a man possessed . In the fray a less than perfect grape was placed on a cheese board and a cataclysmic explosion ensued . Accusations of a very impolite nature were bellowed ,questions relating to Beasts quality of vision , general dexterity , sanity and well just about everything else were debated in a brusque manner , culminating in the following scene.

After such ungentlemanly behavior , one could have been forgiven for doing a 'Frobisher Flounce' on the spot but Being a good old stoic Taurean , the Beast still finished the mound of washing up and cleaned up the kitchen before doing The Walk of Shame to my car :-(.

What did you get for Christmas Beast ???

THE SACK !!!

:-(

TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY

2009-12-07T22:44:00.003Z

Ho! Ho! Ho!

The Cafe C Christmas Revels have begun.

I will be up to my neck in gibblets , horror and shame for the next two weeks and likely not be about on the blogs very much.

Have a very happy ,wild and safe party season and I look forward to catching up with you all soon :-)

THE SHOW MUST GO ON

2009-12-01T19:49:00.003Z

Another weekend has come and gone .

Friday night was the Dorchester Christmas Cracker fundraiser . The Dinner Ladies (a local band not the usual pile of tits and attitude found behind the canteen counter) were headlining the Cafe C stage supported by our beloved Frobisher reprising his glittering cabaret show Crap Bingo with Mavis
Friday morning dawned and the distressing news reached a nervous Mr C that Frobisher was Ill.
Possibly too ill to perform
***gasp***
But being the leathery old trouper that he is ,wild horses and a dropped lung wouldn't keep a terrible old lovey like Frobisher from that stage .

Pictured left: an ailing Frobisher is airlifted into Cafe C determined that he would not disappoint his ~~army of fans~~ fan .

It all turned out rather well , Frobisher strutted , preened and even called the correct numbers (lesson learned , keep the gin bottled locked away until after Frobishers set) .

The dinner ladies did a rollicking couple of sets , then sadly fell foul of Mr C's cocktails , went all rock and roll and started smashing up their instruments in a frenzy of over excitement and in the blink of an eye it was chucking out time as the merry revellers were turfed out in the street with Mr C's jovial farewell of LEAVE NOW OR I WILL SET THE DOGS ON YOU .

Saturday night we did it all again , minus Frobisher who had taken to his bed with a fit of the vapours :-)

BEASTIES BIG END

2009-11-24T18:00:00.002Z

The Beastmobile is in the garage AGAIN. That will teach me to park by the chip shop where local Dorset beauties like the lovely Paprika hang out guzzling saveloy and chips en route for the Saturday 'Pull a Pig' night at elegant local nitespot The Fire Station .
Hopefully the problem will be fixed before Fridays Dorchester Christmas Cracker Fund Raiser hosted by Cafe C , featuring some woman who sang on the BBC.... Mr C can't remember her name , but she's famous...apparently!

I shall update you on our imminent brush with celebrity as and when someone remembers who she is !

DORCHESTER RESTAURANT REVIEWS

2009-11-18T19:16:00.005Z

Looking for fine dining in Dorchester , Dorset
Why not try the fascinating photo essay reviews featuring ~~totally fake~~ genuine customers experiences at www.slagoffyurcompetitors.com

CAFE C

Cafe C
Saintly lane
Dorchester

Fine Dining at its best.
Dorchesters finest eating experience

THE HORSE WITH THE RED ~~VAGINA~~ errm UMBRELLA

The Horse with the Red Umbrella.
Corner of Saintly Lane and Lower Colon Street
Dorchester.

Frankly the horse would taste better!

TASTE

Taste.
Lower Colon Street
(end of Cafe C's Back Passage)
Dorchester

Nasty afterTaste more like!
Gedddddiiiiiiit!!!!!!!!!!

Now lets finish with a fascinating glimpse of ecstatic diners enjoying Cafe C's famous 'Grab a Tranny' Night

THE GATHERING STORM

2009-11-17T06:17:00.002Z

As December fast approaches , Cafe C is booked solid with christmas parties.

It is likely Myself , James , Frobisher and Mr C will go completely bats by Christmas . I will only be posting as and when , to keep you updated on the wacky kitchen antics and the inevitable slide into insanity and exhaustion that will ensue . I am already jolting awake in the wee small hours plagued by nightmares of insufficient portions and under cooked carrots.

So prepare yourselves for a whole month of 'highly hilarious' pictures just like the one above , as any spare time I have I will be rocking and dribbling in the corner while I babble about the state of my stuffing balls

BEASTS TASTE OF SUMMER

2009-11-11T19:46:00.005Z

A stalwart of the Cafe C menu is the glorious Oven Roasted Med Veg .

You can have it hot and fresh from the oven prehaps served with rice , bacon and a dusting of grated cheese , or maybe some sausages(vegetarian if you must) . chilled in the fridge it will happily last for three days and can be re heated and served atop a jacket potato , added to soup or any dish you fancy slapping it in , add to sandwiches , wraps or baguettes with cheese or cold meat .Spoon it into your underwear.Dance semi clad round the dining table splattering your loved ones with steaming gobbets of this flavoursome comestible . Fill the bath with the damn stuff and romp nekkid with a few like minded friends for all I care.

I wash my hands of the filthy minded lot of you and your disgusting vegetable related shenanigans .

Against my better judgement here's the Recipe:

Chop up the following

Peppers

Aubergine (Egg plant)

Courgette (Zucchini)

Onion

Mushroom

Tomato

1 or 2 cloves of garlic

Olives

To this basic mix you can add any other veg you have to hand including stuff like cucumber.Your aiming for lots of colour , texture and flavour

Season , slap in an oven proof dish/roasting tin and mix well with a good slurp of olive oil.

Roast in a medium oven for 40 to 60 minutes stirring occasionally.

A DREADFUL DRAG........

2009-11-08T18:46:00.003Z

Saturday evening is the end of a punishing 6 day work week at Cafe C .
<<<<<<< By 9 pm after a few Malibu and cokes , a tired and emotional Mr C usually looks like this.

This week however was different ,Saturday evening was the Birthday dinner for legendary local Tranny , Charity , hosted by Cafe C.

Beast was cooking , Frobisher was in charge of glamorising the plates where he can be happily left muttering and twitching with his latest obsession with julienne of carrot and radish shavings without mishap.

James had front of house spruced and gleaming and was fending off three flirting and squealing middle aged harpies who were finalising arrangements for their party in January . As Frobisher remarked bitterly he is like catnip to women of a certain age.
Mr C had decided to 'drag up' in honour of Birthday 'girl' Charity and made his grand entrance , this certainly dampened the ardour of the trio of menopausal hags , who soon hastily departed screaming into the night .
Crikey what a sight ! how to best describe Mr C in drag .... I think a review of a stage appearance of actress Diana Rigg best gives you feel for the apparition .
Miss Rigg in her younger years was the lithesome and sexy Emma Peel in the cult 60's TV show the Avengers , but became rather stocky in her middle years . The review unkindly commented that Miss Rigg was built like a brick shithouse with insufficient buttresses
Bearing this in mind , the Beast has scoured the interwebs to find a picture that best conveys the essence of "Miss C"

Myself and Frobisher were a little put out as the hours we spent slaving over a hot stove ( in my case) and a shaved radish (in Frobishers) ,were probably in vain as the shocking site of mien host was bound to make anyone bilious from the get go .
When faced with a traumatising sight , drinking to forget is not a strategy the Beast would generally support . However on this occasion ,it certainly put the takings up on the bar as the hapless diners scrambled for oblivion :-)

BEASTIES BIG BANG

2009-11-06T13:34:00.004Z

Its Bonfire weekend in the UK where we celebrate an assassination attempt on the whole English parliament by silly old Guy Fawkes by burning him in effigy ,burning other stuff , letting off fireworks and pigging out .

When we were kids this used to be great , making the guy by stuffing old clothes with newspaper ,collecting driftwood from the beach for the bonfire , building the bonfire in the back garden , going out with Pa Beasty to buy the fireworks the weekend before , Ma Beasty used to cook up a big old vat of a hearty winter soup , jacket potatoes with cheese , sausages and usually some sort of crappy bonfire themed cake.

Come the night it was usually tipping down with rain or blowing a gale . We would huddle in the garden , Pa Beasty would totter about and let off the fireworks (With varying degrees of success) , each firework was traditionally greeted with Oooh's/Ahhh's or hoots of derision and blowing of raspberries , then we would light the bonfire and spend the rest of the evening burning stuff or poking burning stuff with sticks and feasting (Which are three of the Beasts favourite pastimes) .

Nowadays we don't do Ma and Pa Beasties Bonfire spectacular since the neurotic old bag moved in next door and ends up having a screaming epi in her garden that we have upset her pussy , and neither myself or Mr C has enough back garden space to host such an event without sparking a conflagration that would wipe either Bournemouth or Dorchester off the map :-(.

We did however sneak off to a farmers field and let off some rockets the other night , but had to scarper quick in case the police or farmer came to investigate........which made it almost fun again.

Oh to be 6 again :-)))

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN

2009-11-03T13:07:00.004Z

It was a Halloween full moon.

No! not that kind , this isn't Infomaniac

This kind....silly.
Cafe C was warming up for a 40Th birthday party for 40 guests . Buffet , drinkin and dancin. With all that spooky lunar energy slopping about everyone was all a twitter and literally anything could happen , there was even a whiff of an appearance by Frobisher on the grapevine.

The last we had seen of Frobisher was his Surprise Birthday Party and a recent fleeting scurrilous attack on poor Beasts macho mojo on that pitiful rag Frobishers Fun Pages(If I could do a link I would , but I can't so tough titties). I expect Frobisher is desperately hoping a little of the glamour that epitomises Beastbites would rub off.
Anyway Frobisher eventually appeared wearing a full anti contamination suit and gas mask , I have no idea why , subtle social comment perhaps or just hiding a recent tragic haircut

Ever the diplomat , James gaped like a cod for just a second and then rallied marvellously with Do you know that colour suits you......and then scarpered fast with a handy tray of mini Yorkshire puddings , stuffed with a ) roasted sliver of beef(medium rare and a sumptuous frosting of horse radish mayonnaise.

A harried Mr C barked , Ignore him its just attention seeking and then made quarrelsome remarks about the portion control of my a masterful tomato salad (5 different types of tomato roughly chopped with a whisper of minced red onion and garlic , drizzled with an oregano , olive oil and white wine vinegar dressing).

Frobisher meanwhile stood disconsolately at the sink making grumbling farty noises thru his gas mask . An accord was eventually struck when Fobisher was allowed to call the bingo and a happy little kitchen crew , chopped , roasted , fried , drizzled and fluffed a magnificent buffet into existence.

Cafe C offers a choice of bar staff for party bookings , those looking for a little spice can opt for the glamorous option of a couple of trannies 'manning' the optics , it is surprisingly popular .

However on this occasion we will swiftly gloss over the bar trannies , who would frankly frighten the crows from your Aunts garden as my old grannie would say**.

Plaudits for the party atmosphere (probably helped by Mr C's Jugs of Dog Bollocks Cocktails) and the buffet came a tumbling in as the drunken revellers stumbled off into the bright new dawn and the cast and crew of Cafe C dragged their aching bodies off to their respective beds.

And so begins another week....................

** Not really ,the 'girls' were glamour personified

BEWARE THE ONE EYED SAUSAGE

2009-10-28T18:24:00.003Z

Al tho the days are shortening ,

its still very warm here at the moment , it wont be long till we get that autumnal chill in the evening air .Its very evocative of childhood winter evenings snuggled up with Ma and Pa Beasty in front of a roaring log fire , toasting crumpets on a long ornate toasting fork , the gusting winds booming in the chimney , roaring in the trees and rattling the windows .It was evenings like this that Pa Beasty used to tell us stories , On particularly stormy nights it would be ghost stories , but normally it was stories about Pa Beasties own creation and our childhood hero Sausageops .In the very first story , Sausageops(A one eyed sausage) was discovered by three children(Me and my two brothers) on a Greek Island , and was first encountered escaping from cyclops and from then on lived in the forest that surrounds Pa Beasties French house and got up to all sorts of malarkey with the three boys and a cast of other characters.Sausageops was a selfish , gluttonous rather stupid little beast . every Sausageops story followed a similar course . Sausageops would be forced into an undesirable course of action by his greed and stupidity against the sage advice of the children , usually upsetting the Prince schmoozing plans of the dimwitted and vain princess and her unpleasant aunt (The witch) in the process . Sausageops always at some point falls into or drinks water by mistake .Being stuffed with breadcrumbs he will then swell up and explode.The children at this point usually have to find a genie or a wizard to magic the little blighter back together and deliver some strategic punishment before peace and goodwill are restored to all parties (Except the witch , who was traditionally left gnashing her hatred and vowing revenge on the little devil). Pa Beasty wrote all our favourite stories down and illustrated them .I to this day have a bound copy of the stories , a second edition was made changing the children's names for both sets of grandchildren .

Incidentally a good few years ago while the whole family was holidaying in France , my brother though it would be very funny to wait till the kids were out with Ma and Pa Beastie , open the shutters in the kids bedroom and prop a ladder up against the window , spill some water and breadcrumbs on the bedroom floor and hang a burst balloon skin from the beam above their beds.As the children were about 4 and 6 at the time and utterly convinced that sausageops was real and lived nearby the house , went absolutely hysterical on finding the evidence of his untimely demise without a wizard or genie in sight…….. I remember it took some finessing to get out of that one without causing childhood trauma.

Pa Beasty has since had a book of cartoons published (I think under the nom de plume of spyder look him up on Amazon) and was asked by the publisher if he had anything for the children's Christmas market .When he showed them The Adventures of Sausageops , the editor almost had an embolism at the thought of a 'one eyed sausage' character that befriended children and a whole host of politically incorrect characters. A bemused Pa Beasty could not understand why…….

how we laughed at my exasperated little brothers attempts to explain the possible connotations of a 'one eyed sausage' in this child molestation obsessed age , twas a memorable family dinner indeed

Always wear your best knickers if there is a chance of meeting a one eyed sausage

KNACKERED KNEE

2009-10-26T17:41:00.003Z

I woke up Sunday morning having had a marvellous nights sleep (with an extra hour as the clocks went back) .Sprang nekkid from beneath my delicately fragranced duvet , to greet the dawn and promptly fell flat on my face, in gut wrenching agony as my frigging knee is banjaxed AGAIN.

Altho Saturday night was Rubber Duck Cabaret Nite at Cafe C , I spent a fairly sedate evening in the kitchen , cooking and washing up , I didn't get drunk , I didn't indulge in frenzied dancing on tables and general carousing with Mr C and James , I closed down the kitchen , cleaned up and sneaked off home about half past 11 and had myself a reasonably early night . I have no idea what I did to my knee.

I spent Sunday hobbling about at home , making wincing noises like Sir Elt on his wedding night (Just thought I would infect you minds with that image so you can share in my pain.....there was probably also pillow biting!!!) and have spent the day hobbling around at work , being driven mad by stupid people asking

" Are you limping????"

I always reply

"NO!" as I blatantly drag my useless leg behind me on route for the coffee machine.

Every single one of them , looked slightly confused , and said said "Oh!" .

I often wonder how some of these people make it through the day

MOIST GINGER PUSSY!

2009-10-23T22:35:00.006Z

I bet you read the title , grabbed a wad of tissues , loosened you underwear and came scampering over here ready for a few moments of self administered 'stress relief'

Dont deny it .

I know you filthy devils so well.

Well now your here , adjust your clothing , wash your hands , stand up straight and as penance for your base behaviour The Beast is expecting a haiku stylee pome on the pleasure of self denial and a blameless existence.

BELLS AND SMELLS

2009-10-19T17:37:00.005Z

It came to pass that the Beast went to church .

Some would say this happened because God moves in mysterious ways

~~other more cynical devils would say it was because Mr C lied and told me I was going to a party~~

What a jolly time we had , there was singing , clapping , some of it was even in time

***Glares at Mr C who is incapable of singing and clapping in sync***

Frobisher made very unchristian remarks to the effect that I was not singing along at all

~~I was miming , if its good enough for Britney its good enough for Jesus~~

I replied that as I am tone perfect Mr F could not single me out amongst the angelic throng

Some of the congregation were doing the one hand to heaven thing as detailed by Miss First Nations(we theorised that it improves heavenly reception like a TV Ariel) , there were Amens and hallelujahs a plenty , Dancing lesbians , transvestites singing baritone ,earnest readings and heartfelt testaments.

The very Reverend Ganja visiting from Nigeria was wheeled out to do communion and tempt us to drink from the furry cup with a choice of full fat or gluten free communion wafers , Mr C embarrassed us by guffawing aloud at this point.When he symbolically broke the wafers and held them aloft Mr C guffawed again as it looked alarmingly like 70's classic Pacman.

If things couldn't get anymore unworldly , Mr C was then presented with a services to the Religious Community of Dorchester Award...I nearly swallowed my tongue with the shock and Mr Frobisher had to perform an emergency Heimlich maneuver before calm was restored.

As we all piled into my car for the journey home . Mr C , his whole system obviously marinaded in celestial cleansing energy (or maybe it was the massive roast dinner ) , broke a healing wind of such a satanic vileness , we had to drive for half an hour with all the windows open , James and the girls choking in th back , but I am sure he felt closer to god as a result.......I know I did!

REPELLING BORDERS

2009-10-15T13:03:00.002Z

Mr C had Flu and made a huge fuss , even by man flu standards.
Beast was getting 10 minute telephone updates as to his latest symptoms and ludicrous staffing situation (They were dropping like flies with real and imagined ailments....one waitress was off for two weeks with what turned out to be an imaginary appendectomy)

The Beast however has manfully resisted the germ infested hordes and remained stoically healthy. Unfortunately, there lies my downfall , I could have done with a few days in bed , dossing about eating donuts. I am a fool to myself !.
What imaginary illnesses have you bunch of slackers used as excuses in the past ???

A HEARTWARMING TALE OF DIVERSITY

2009-10-08T16:08:00.003Z

In todays news :

A gay man tried to poison his lesbian neighbours by putting slug pellets into their curry after he was accused of kidnapping their three-legged cat.

Are their sexual preferences and physical shortcomings relevant to the story ? . Discuss .........

Personally after my diversity ~~indoctrination~~ training at work , I find the whole thing totally astounding .Surely only White imperialist hetrosexuals are capabable of any sort of nastiness , particularly if they are meat eating men.

How could a fluffy poof living next to a nest of tuppence lickers and their physically challenged cat be anything other than a haven of peace and love, common sense tells me that had there been a hostels for Peado's , drug addicts and assylum seekers been built in the near vicinity , it all would have been very different......... :-))

HOUNDS OF HELL

2009-10-07T15:27:00.003Z

Beast is a little worried about his four legged house guests.

I am not so worried about the demonic glowing eyes as they are very useful on our nighttime walks.

Its the 'breath of Satan' eminating from Little Lloyds bottom that I object to

***Genuflects and sprays Holy Febreze Water ***

Please note MJ's favourite fireside rug , she has been BEGGING me to sell it to her , but some things money can just not buy :-)

TRAINS , PLANES AND AUTOMOBILES

2009-10-02T11:24:00.002Z

The Beast will be somewhat occupied for the next few days as Mr C has skipped the country for a bit of sun , leaving Beast holding the baby (well 2 dogs and 2 kitchen shifts to be exact).

Its all been a bit of a blur this week .

Firstly Mr C managed to lose his chef (ran away in the midle of a shift as debtors had tracked him down)

The washup - too dozy to find his way into work without the chef .

My car blew up the day before I was supposed to be picking up the dogs and driving Mr C to the airport (Had to hire another one).

But happily the cafe kitchens will be manned by a combination of Myself , Frobisher and a pair of trannies(skidding about on 9 inch stiletto's , wigs eskew , makeup running in the heat......and thats only Frobisher) and somehow , god willing, Dorchester's finest eatery will survive the week with its reputation intact.

AGEING DISGRACEFULLY

2009-09-28T17:19:00.005Z

Its late September again when the evenings start to draw in and leaves are on the turn , it must be time for Frobisher's surprise Birthday Party

You may wish to ponder why its such a surprise as we have one EVERY year , however Frobi seemed to be oblivious as I chauffeured him to Cafe C where the gathering throng were hiding in the garden shushing each other and tittering as all surprise guests do.

Frobisher was carping all the way there that at his age all he wanted was a nice quite birthday dinner and perhaps a celebratory cup of cocoa before retiring early for the night , and should he be spared , maybe a gentle constitutional and a nice rest would set him up for the next year .

Predictably on being 'surprised' , opening a mountain of presents and hitting the cocktails , all those gentle plans were soon forgotten and he was off making lewd suggestions to the bar staff , cavorting with the drag act , screaming like a girl and dragging strange women in off the street to partner his frenzied dirty dancing.

You can just imagine the final result

I had volunteered to cop the early shift the next day to clean up and get the cafe open for the daytime and prepare for another birthday party in the evening .

The Cafe floor looked like a herd of passing hippo's had been wallowing and I had to move all the furniture to one side of the room , then sweep and double mop and then move it all the other way , collect all the debris and wash all the tables and chairs and then put everything back . A very pale and wan Frobisher staggered in about 11.30 en route from his hotel to home , probably leaving a trail of sick down the high street .

I managed to slouch through the days service and James eventually surfaced about 3 pm looking somewhat worst for wear and here we entered familiar territory . James having a fit of the vapours trying to prepare the restaurant for the party , Beast having a nervous breakdown in the kitchen trying to sort out the dinner for 30 and Mr C refusing point blank to get out his festering pit until 5.30 pm....the party was kicking off at 7 .

Still being professionals

***beast chokes slightly at this point***

we pulled it all together in the nick of time , despite the kitchen bitches turning up 40 minutes late and half cut. Frobisher staggered back still looking rather delicate and gamely did some washing up after Mr C had a tantrum , following a bit of an incident with a chocolate gateaux and accidently sacked the washer up(Easily done when your hung over I am told) .

Still the meal service was as smooth as silk and the party was a triumph , and our guests staggered off in the early hours to hit the fleshpots of Weymouth belching gently as they went.

However I cannot help reflecting that unless Frobisher shuffles off this mortal coil in some bizarre sex related accident we could have another 30 of these 'surprise' birthday weekends to get through......

You may ask what happened on my birthday , I will tell you ,driving Mr C to the supermarket , a kentucky fried chicken dinner and a lengthy lecture on my short comings......I am not sure which of the three gave me the squirts but my money is on the Kentucky.....

It seems blatantly obvious that God and the Colonel hate me !

LARGE PORTIONS

2009-09-23T13:43:00.005Z

It is said that vegetables are good for one .
The Beast can report this is not always the case .
Last night dear reader , the agent of my undoing was the humble carrot.

The Beast is an avid reader of Blogging lifestyle Guru Miss MJ and lives by her maxim that Less is more .
Miss MJ usually demonstrates this ethos using wall to wall pictures of saggy old men wearing very few clothes .

Following a bollocking of biblical proportions viz a viz insufficient portions from Dorchesters favourite restaurateur Mr C .
The Beast now realises that as Miss Fiona Funbags admirably demonstrates that while less is more when applied to clothing that more is better applies to most other things.

Conspiracy......

2009-09-21T20:03:00.003Z

When Miss Scarlet recently fanny farted in my comments lounge

Was she perhaps hinting at this biography

Is the ginger hair another subtle clue

Has a cake been 'airbrushed' from the jacket picture

Has anyone ever seen Miss Scarlet , Miss MJ and Mr Frobisher in the same room

Has Donn ever categorically denied he is the love child of Old Knudsen and Nancy Reagan

Why do Mr C and Frobisher keep Beast locked away in the kitchen like a modern day Cinderella

What is Miss First Nations doing on her hiatus

I leave you gentle reader to theorise as to the most obvious answers to these perplexing questions

COMMUNING WITH THE COSMOS

2009-09-14T11:43:00.002Z

We are enjoying a bit of an Indian summer in the UK . Saturday was steaming hot , as this usually causes most of the populace to bugger off to the beach and then spend the evening burning animal flesh in the garden the Cafe was fairly quiet .

The management at Cafe C declared Saturday evening a holiday and we all set off for a meal at a little inn amid the desolation of Portland bill .

The inn blatantly had not changed their menu since 1974 , so we pigged out on retro classics and then staggered off to walk round the lighthouse promontory caressed by the balmy nighttime zephyrs. We just about made it to the end and collapsed in decorous heaps on the massive chunks of Portland stone bordering the sea .

It was idyllic lazing about under a truly amazing blanket of stars , lulled by the pounding of the surf and the murmurings and barkings of Mr C's digestive tract.

As a shooting star sped across the firmament Mr C asked wistfully

"Did you make a wish???"

To which myself ,James and Midge cried joyfully in unison

"Yes ....but your still here !!!"

I can thankfully report that even a retaliatory punch to the head cannot put a damper on natures awesome majesty :-)

ENNUI

2009-09-09T11:18:00.003Z

Says it all really . Beast is prolly suffering from Post Traumatic Stress disorder from his weekly battering in the Cafe C kitchens , but I cant actually be bothered to do anything

***loafs about eating crumpets***

COMING SOON!

2009-09-03T07:51:00.003Z

Kieth , exhausted from minutes of frenzied Napkin folding tries desperatly to take a short nap , His plans are foiled by a fretting Frobisher having a Pre Love Parade wardrobe dilemma
'Can I run in slingbacks?????'
'Are gold hotpants , a gas mask and nipple clamps just too much????' ,

Apologies for not posting for a bit , in mitigation , last Sunday was The Dorchester Love Parade hosted and organised by Mr C/Cafe C .

Understandably this involved a lot of stress , preparation , work and clean up .All involved are completely knackered .

Beast will be posting his take on the event shortly (Grins evilly)

If however you feel the need for the 'truth' , search For the Dorset Echo once you are on thier site then search for Dorchester Love Parade , you can read their articles on the event .

FREAKISH TALENTS

2009-08-26T12:12:00.002Z

Today at work I wandered out to the smoking hut , while I was loafing about smoking I noticed a twig at my feet that had that perfect wishbone shape.

This set off a whole train of memories of water divining with my dad when I was a kid.

I was the only person in the family that can divine(The rest being insensitive oafs) , so I always got dragged out when divinng was necesary.

You get a Y shaped twig (Willow is best) , grasp the two ends with you palms facing the floor and then twist your hands up and out until your palms are facing the sky .

This puts tension in the twig so you can feel the slightest tweak against the end .

If you now walk over any running underground water you will feel a strong pulling down on the end of the twig (With some people its down with others its up......dont know why).

You may ask why water divining was neccesary at all , all I can remember is that my dad had a thing about certain aspects of how they built ancient churches . they were always built with the altar over a blind(underground) spring , and one of the exit streams(also underground) would flow out of the knave door .

Suposedly becuase an underground spring messes with the electrical fields above it , this goes part way to explaining the odd 'spooky' atmosphere in some old churches.

This also explains why some of the old churches and cathedrals in the UK are banana shaped, when viewed from the air (Just look at an ariel shot of Canterbury cathedral if you dont believe me).

It also has something to do with ley lines but I cant remember what .

Anyway thats my freakish talent , I can water divine.

I dread to ask , but what gentle reader are yours????

YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND

2009-08-23T19:48:00.003Z

Show us a prime example of Plumbers Crack cried Beastbites Canadian readership (in a very shrill and demanding manner one might add) .Ours is not to reason why gentle reader , but my money is on a certain Canadian bloggeress feverishly clicking the picture to enlarge and there will be a bit of screen licking going on .

Judge not , the winters are long and hard in the cutural wasteland of the colonies , however what was Miss Scarlet thinking of when she pleaded for a little Hot Banana Action , one expects a little more restraint from the Garden of England

WATER TORTURE

2009-08-21T09:05:00.004Z

The Cafe C kitchen has a leaking tap. This has been driving me insane for months .
Here is Beast's easy to follow ,step by step guide to how to remedy the situation , specially adapted for the hard of hearing and the infirm ~~MR C~~

1. Pick up the telephone

2.Call a plumber

ANOTHER SOLUTION BROUGHT TO YOU BY BEAST'S FLIPPIN OBVIOUS ANSWERS

ON YER BIKE

2009-08-18T12:40:00.004Z

The Beastmobile finally gave up the ghost and I had to be towed home with a banjaxed clutch.

I blame Mr C's canine familiar Lloyd , who ran away while on his walk and caused much racing up and down from the Beast's Lair to Dorchester to firstly join the midnight search party , then to go and spring Lloyd from Weymouth Goal where a kindly Lorry driver had dropped him off after finding the little blighter capering around on the A31 and causing a traffic jam at 6 oclock in the morning.

Of course the clutch went bang in the middle of a huge traffic jam so it took the recovery van flipping ages to come and get me .

Little Lloyd is sleeping off his big adventure.

The Beastmobile is now recieving the tender mercies of the local mechanic and hopefully will be restored to its former glory(a scratched ,chewed and dented , doghair filled heap) shortly

PAST ITS PRIME

2009-08-14T08:00:00.002Z

The poor Beastmobile seems to be ailing .
This car has put up with some terrible abuse over the years .
Mr C has borrowed in on numerous occasions , its usually delivered back looking like someone emptied the bins in it
Lloyd has chewed most of the fixtures and fittings at one time or another
Alfie has been sick in it.
Its been reversed into , keyed , shunted and still stalwartly flies backwards and forwards to Cafe C at least three times a week .
Now its making alarming squealing noises from the engine when you start it up and strange hicccups from the right hand rear wheel when you drive over 50 mph.
I will be checking it into the garage next week for a bit of TLC.
Lets hope it makes a speedy recovery :-(

RED BUSH

2009-08-11T17:06:00.002Z

The tight asses I work for have finally made us pay for the manky tea and coffee from the vending machines. I therefore decided to use the hot water facility and buy a sack of tea bags Sadly I didn't pay attention and bought 5 million Redbush tea bags.
Naturally caffeine free - no problem there
As hydrating as water - goody
Rich in antioxidants - fantastic
.....
TASTES LIKE SHITE........
feck , they missed that one off the packaging :-(

While searching for a picture of REDBUSH teabags , you can just imagine 90% of the results

BEAST'S FLAVOURSOME TREATS

2009-08-03T18:33:00.004Z

Beast is scouring the world of haute cuisine to create a splash at the next Cafe C buffet.

Teabaggingtastic is the only description for Beasts bulging meaty entrees , this could make the buffet go with a swing and bring a tear to the eye of many a hungry diner

One always likes ones comestibles to go with a bang!

careful where you poke your fork

Natures bounty never goes to waste at Cafe C . Admittedly one has to allow a little longer for the drive to work and remember to bring a shovel and a bucket .However I am sure Beasts medley of spatchocked badger and hedgehog will be a screaming success.

Just the thing to give that Delicious roadkill and authentic 'burning engine oil' finish

***drizzles nibbles with castrol GTX and a scattering of tyre shavings***

Sophistication and understated good taste are our watchwords at Cafe C , One will often hear Mr C wondering aloud when faced with a styling dilemma 'what would Liberace do??'

I think we all know the answer to that........

BEAST'S DIARY

2009-07-27T18:21:00.002Z

Dear Dairy , another week gone by and what a week it has been .
Thursday :
Arrive at Cafe C for evening shift clutching 2 enormous flower arrangements
Expects hero's welcome
Get sacked for breathing and stuff......its a fair cop!
Trudges off home
Eats cake

Friday :
Get mysteriously re instated(by email).
Put cake away(reluctantly)
Cancel exotic dancers and take away pizza
Prepare for work

Saturday :
Cafe C bright and early for the BBC Radio Solent launch
Wall to wall loud obnoxious media types
Mien Host Mr C dashing around 'networking' , James true to his cabin crew roots, gliding about with a tray of foaming cappuccino's and steaming croissants , deftly pointing out emergency exits and emergency procedures in the event of Mr C having some sort of 'being awake before 11.30' incident .
Open for lunch as normal and getting ready for Cabaret Nite .

19.oo Caberet Nite hosted by Wilma Fingadoo .
Mr C scoured the variety circuit , searching for an act that fit perfectly with the raison d'etre of Cafe C
Miss Fingadoo describes herself as
" A total whore from Hounslow Heath , loves a packet of silk cut and a vodka and coke....
A cartwheeling drunk drag queen , vile , quick witted and so far past the PC line I
I cant even see it "
Sympatico ! Miss Fingadoo could almost be quoting from the Cafe C , staff hand book mission statement. the gig was hers , and marvellous she was too!

The shy and retiring Miss Fingadoo

Sunday :
The event we were all dreading .A surprise birthday party for 50 - 60 people with luxury buffet.
We started the day with James having a nervous breakdown trying to prepare the restaurant.
Beast having an attack of the vapours in the kitchen preparing the buffet
Mr C farting , belching and scratching under his duvet upstairs and refusing point blank to get up.

Frobisher , preferring to stand aloof from the common kitchen drudges , was pottering in Frobishers Country Kitchen(in quilted nylon house coat and curlers no doubt) producing what he boastfully assured me would be the crowning glory of the buffet.
In the event Frobisher swept into the building with minutes to spare , proudly clutching a very decent red pepper humus

and a truly despicable brown rice salad
<---- it looked like this
I am all for a bit of culinary experimentation , but we all know that Dr Frankensteins 'messing about in the kitchen' ended in the locals getting a bit over excited with pitchforks and burning torches

Altho It certainly made an impact on the buffet , the Rice Salad had to be banished to the boot of Frobishers car before a riot ensued.
It goes without saying that my classic tomato salad with oregano , potato salad with chives , and cucumber salad with yoghurt and mint were run away successes(don't believe Bitter Frobisher if he says any different).

All in all , we hosted a stonking weekend of events that was thoroughly enjoyed by the guests.
Its fantastic working with a team that can really pull it all together(James , Frobi , and the restaurant and kitchen bitches). Its relentless punishing work , particularly for Mr C ,who creates the vision and then has to conjure it into a reality , day after day, and despite all the stress related bickering and fireworks.....the show must go on sweethearts !
And I bloody love it(Mostly) :-)

RADIO GA GA

2009-07-20T18:18:00.004Z

As previously mentioned Jazz Singer Julie Dunn (Look her up on the interwebs you lazy bastids!) casually mentioned before majestically sweeping to the stage , that Mr C had the look of Freddy Mercury about him......in a strange and tortured twist of fate , one of queens greatest hits was Radio Ga Ga and bizarrely enough
****twilight zone music bubbles under***
BBC something (What am I Magnus fecking Magnuson...you expect me to know EXACT details) will be broadcasting live from Dorchester's Premier eatery , Cafe C , on Saturday Morning .....

LIVE FROM CAFE C.........

HOW COOL IS THAT !!???!!!

No doubt a certain starstruck Bournemouth based Blogger , who shall remain nameless ~~FROBISHER~~ will try and pull some attention seeking stunt in his desperate quest for fame and celebrity.
Did he learn nothing from the Paris Hilton's British Best Friend debacle

BUSY

2009-07-18T06:30:00.003Z

Cafe C is very busy and Beast is working his socks off in the kitchens

Supervised by Mr C

(Last nights Jazz Singer thought Mr C had the look of Freddy Mercury about him !?!!!)

Should have gone to specsavers sweetheart !)

Occasionally assisted by Frobisher

(All that lace was very handy for drying glasses)

THE GRAPES OF WRATH

2009-07-09T19:01:00.002Z

Picture the scene :
Our harrassed hero The Beast wrestling with a dou of moules and frites , three jacket potato with bries bacon and grapes , goats cheese and med veg and cheese ham and mushrooms , 2 wraps with chicken cheese and bacon , 1 enthusiastic kitchen assistant and a strutting and bumbling trainee chef....
Into the melee rushes an enraged Mr C with all the grace and finesse of a rotweiler with burning piles.....

Yeah no shit !

Exit Beast stage left with scathing comments nipping at his ass like the lobsters of doom.

Next year I spend my vacation on the friggin beach !

PARENTAL PANDEMONIUM

2009-07-06T19:57:00.002Z

Ma and Pa Beasty have just trundled off , after a two day visit.

Love em to death and all that , but its like having the Gremlins in the house , they move all my furniture around when I am not looking 'because it looks better that way' . Change all the contents about in the cupboards because 'I don't have a logical mind' .

Argue about everything I say , squabble with each other , fidget , constantly run about doing 'things' , force feed me and tell me long incomprehensible stories that don't make any sense , squabble all thru dinner , make loud embarrassing comments in public . within half a day I start twitching .

Today we went out for a trip to Weymouth and then wandered back past Dorchester and dropped in on the Cafe to visit with Mr C and have lunch - which was delicious , Ma Beasty has long wanted to adopt Mr C , originally on the premise ( I cant remember why) that As all her own children were blithering idiots and Mr C was certainly as bad she wanted to adopt him and have a full matching set , now she just want to feed him up , wash his clothes and re arrange his furniture - Silly old bat :-))

CRAVINGS

2009-07-02T09:25:00.003Z

It must be the heat , but I am having strange cravings for childhood foods.
The first is Heinz salad spread , its like a cross between tartar sauce and salad cream , full of undefinable crunchy bits and is tangy and luscious spread on a nice thick slice of well buttered bread.

Toast Toppers are a real delight a delicious mix of processed cheese and ham with a gloopy cat sick kind of consistency that sticks to the roof of you mouth in a molten mass if your too greedy to wait a few minutes when it comes out from under the grill - a real treat

Mmmmmm Bloater* paste
The evocative name just says it all. A pox on your fancy taramasalata , spread a bit of bloater paste on your bread in all its fishy loveliness and you will never look back

* for the uninitiated and the plain stupid a bloater is a big old herring.

What are your secret cravings (We are talking food Miss MJ you minx!)

SLACKERS

2009-06-29T11:17:00.002Z

The Beast has had his nose to the grindstone the last few weeks .

In his absence what have you been doing

Eh ?

Eh?

Slacking that's what

Lazing around , picking your noses , scratching your nether regions and pigging out on fat and sugar drenched comestibles dragging yourself up occasionally to half heartedly post or comment.

Its a disgrace.

You have let everyone down

Worst of all let yourselves down

and ruined every ones day

***wags finger at lazy assed bloggers***

I shall be back later in my five minutes spare time to post and comment
You better have had a good think about your behaviour by then or there will be trouble
DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE !
****BEAST SNARLS MENACINGLY****

PECULIAR ERECTIONS

2009-06-22T18:23:00.003Z

The Beast has been busy working his fingers to the bone , and is rather upset to discover while he has been slaving away to buy fresh supplies of miracle grow that the feckless plants have siezed their chance to indulge in a frenzy of horticultural lust .

There are phallic protuberences thrusting from every bed , the sap is a' pumping and engorged stamens are a' throbbing , curb crawling bees are queueing round the block to part the lush moist petals and slip inside.

**** a fevered Beast lays down in a darkened room and wonders if he needs a long holiday****

BUSY

2009-06-18T14:24:00.003Z

Stalking the corridors of International Finance by day.....

Cooking and washing pots by night.....

Blah , Blah , Cafe C , Blah , blah Blah

Yes , Yes ! You have heard it all before.

Dull but concistant , thats the Beast promise

However that's the situation , hopefully back on Sunday

SOCIAL DEATH

2009-06-08T16:48:00.004Z

On Friday afternoon I was wandering down Dorchester high street en route for Cafe C , when I spotted Mr C striding towards me with a determined gait and a mad glint in his eye .
As this usually portends me being sent off to the local purveyor of fine food and wine , with an enormous list and no assistance , I was very fleet of foot and dodged into the local chemists , ducked below the level of the shelving and scuttled for safe haven.
Sadly I had been spotted and Mr C ran me to ground and cornered me in the colon health aisle.
As it turns out , this was rather unfortunate as Mr C exclaimed gleefully and VERY LOUDLY
'I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER AS FINALLY THEY HAVE CLEANED OUT MY BACK PASSAGE!!!

I know what your thinking

But he was actually referring to a long running refuse collection issue

Sadly any explanation would have looked feeble to the startled old lady who choked and ejaculated her dentures into the health food aisle. I think I made a valiant effort to muster my tattered dignity and exited the store under a cloud of disapproving glares and the leaden sound of chi chi cocktail party and social event invitations being torn up !

SINGLES NITE

2009-06-05T05:24:00.004Z

It's that time of the month again , yes my proud young beauties it's Cafe C Singles Nite.

Pictured left are the pick of the local 'talent' , and you have to admit they scrub up well after a hard day at the pig farm *.

Get a few 'Screaming Orgasms' down these luscious lovelies throats and the evening is sure to go with a bang!**.

*Cafe C is air conditioned for your comfort ,so you will hardly notice the smell

**I have it on good authority that those two on the left shag on a first date

BEAST's LUSH VEGETATION

2009-06-02T14:20:00.003Z

Blogger is being difficult and wont let me put words in between the pictures .
Ma and Pa Beastey have been visiting and we have been decorating and gardening in between sumptuous meals .
In the pictures above there is a not very good shot of the topiary dolphin leaping through a hoop(picture 4) which Miss Scarlet was convinced I was making up , and my newest acquisition a 70's retro solar optic fibre lamp(You can see it lurking to the right of the fun house mirror n glow boob in picture 2)

Regular readers of Infomaniac may be surprised to note the absence of nekkid flabby old men lurking in the shrubbery and interfering with each other on the garden furniture.
This strange phenomena only occurs in Canada , I am reliably informed it has something to do with cheese poisoning